The Conversation Before The Conversation

I used to network the way I think most people do.

Someone would introduce themselves, we’d trade the usual openers — what do you do, how long have you been doing it, isn’t this venue nice — and somewhere in those first thirty seconds, I’d already decided. Worth continuing this conversation, or find a graceful exit and move to the next name tag.

I was deciding based on what they said.

The problem is, what people say in the first thirty seconds of a networking room is almost never the truth of who they are. It’s a performance. Everyone’s doing it — the version of themselves they think they’re supposed to bring to a room like that. Polished. On script. Safe.

So I was filtering people out — and staying stuck with people I should have moved on from — based on the least reliable information in the room.

What changed it for me was learning to feel the person instead of just processing their words.

Not their story. Not their pitch. What I actually felt in my own body while they were talking. The pace of their voice. Whether I felt hurried along or invited to slow down. Whether the conversation felt like it was expanding or like I was watching someone perform a version of themselves.

That’s Human Design at work, whether you’ve ever studied a chart or not. Energy is real, and it’s readable — if you stop long enough to actually feel it instead of just responding to the words layered on top of it.

Here’s why that works. Every relationship — business, friendship, it doesn’t matter — forms the same way. First there’s a like factor, an energetic pull before a single meaningful word is exchanged. Then comes knowing, the listening and watching that lets you actually see someone. And trust only shows up when what someone says, does, and the energy you feel from them all line up. The moment those three stop matching, you feel it, even if you can’t say why.

Here’s what I started noticing.

If I feel rushed — like there’s a current under the conversation moving faster than the words themselves — I’m probably talking to a Manifesting Generator. That pace isn’t rudeness. It’s how their energy actually moves. When I feel that, I stop asking open-ended questions that ask them to wander. I ask something closer to yes or no. It respects the pace instead of fighting it, and the conversation gets better, not worse.

If I feel seen and heard — like they’re actually taking me in, not just waiting for their turn to talk — I’m probably talking to a Projector. That’s an invitation, not small talk. When I feel that, I slow down. I let the conversation go somewhere real, because that’s what they’re actually offering me.

And if the conversation feels extra inspiring — like something is lighting up in the room that wasn’t there a minute ago — I’m probably talking to a Manifestor. I stop steering. I let them lead, because that’s the energy that’s actually running the moment, and trying to redirect it just flattens it.

None of this comes from asking anyone their type. It comes from paying attention to what’s happening in me while they’re talking — and letting that tell me how to show up next.

Here’s the part most people miss: it goes both ways.

While you’re feeling them, they’re feeling you. And if you’re performing — wearing the persona you think a “good networker” or a “successful business owner” is supposed to wear — your words and your energy stop matching. People feel that mismatch before they could ever explain it. That’s the real reason so many of us were taught to sell in a way that feels wrong in our bodies, and why the people we’re selling to can feel it too.

Here’s what I believe most people get wrong: they perform.

They walk into a room, or onto a discovery call, playing the version of “good networker” or “confident coach”, they think they’re supposed to be — instead of being present enough to actually feel who’s in front of them. Performance keeps everyone at the surface. Feeling is what gets you past it.

Since I started doing this, my conversations stopped being about the weather and started being about something real. Networking events turned into actual relationships. Discovery calls turned into conversations people remembered. Not because I learned a new script — because I stopped needing one.

You already have this capacity. Human Design didn’t give it to you — it just explains why it works.

The next time you’re in a room, try skipping the filter you’ve been using. Don’t decide based on what they say. Notice what you feel instead. That’s the conversation happening underneath the conversation — and it’s the one that actually builds trust.

Nancy O’Keefe is a business consultant, leadership mentor, and Certified Human Design practitioner with over 30 years of experience helping small business owners find clarity, alignment, and lasting success. She is the bestselling author of Lead with Your Light: Individual Empowerment, Influence, and Impact with Human Design. Nancy holds an MBA from Babson College and is a Certified Executive Coach Learn more at www.NancyOKeefeCoaching.com.