Jeffery Toobin's Penis is Speaking, And We Should Listen

(Art= @hoodfinch Instagram)

In 2020, Zoom transformed the world into a new era of predominantly online gatherings.

With it, a slew of embarrassing boomer-esque tech mishaps occurred. Well established professionals at the top of their game- the folks we have entrusted to run the world so that we can feel safe- were suddenly thrust into the awkward beginner territory of trying to navigate a technology they had no prior experience with.

Remember when the Texas attorney accidentally joined a virtual court hearing while using a digital kitten filter?

One of the more devastating examples of Zoom-tech mishaps was the tragedy of Jeffrey Toobin.

Toobin has an impressive professional portfolio.

A prominent lawyer, journalist, and NYT bestselling author, he served as a senior legal analyst for CNN and was a writer for The New Yorker for 17 years. He wrote a book on the crimes of Donald Trump. He’s covered major legal trials and the inner workings of the U.S. Supreme Court and even won an Emmy in 2000 for his televised reporting.

Tragically, he will now be infamously most known as the guy who masturbated during a Zoom meeting.

Was this a case of another #metoo predator who used his power and status to sexually assault or manipulate?

No.

This was a tragic zoom mishap and tech fail of humiliating proportions.

To make matters worse- the meeting was a practice run for The New Yorker’s coverage of the 2020 election, filled with dozens of staff members and many of the magazine's high-profile contributors. These are people who no doubt believed they were a critical part of a historical moment when the fate of our country was in grave danger.

During a lunch break, Toobin- believing his camera was off- retreated to the back of his room, laid down, and masturbated himself to completion within full view of those that were still present.

Ouch.

Once he realized what happened- he was horrified.

The embarrassment and humiliation of this innocent mistake is palpably cringe worthy. As is the sense of overwhelming violation, shame and fear he must have felt.

In a sexually healthy society, humor could be applied to soften the sting and awkwardness of such a deeply epic fail.

After all, one can imagine the stress he was under. A journalist in the Trump era preparing for a possible re-election, compounded by the stress and tension of Covid, the lockdown and the earth shattering global events of that summer...

Can you really blame a guy for wanting to rub one out?

Do you really expect a liberal journalist to not engage in a little prescription free stress relief in these unprecedented times?!

All jokes aside, in a sexually healthy society, care for Toobin would be a top priority whose innocent tech-oversight landed him in the unenviable position of being sexually exposed to friends, colleagues and strangers in a deeply vulnerable moment.

But we don’t live in a sexually healthy society.

Instead, Toobin was promptly fired by The New Yorker after 17 years of employment. He was fired also- and critically- despite the fact that the investigation showed that this was an accidental mishap and no bystanders were harmed within the course of this masturbation.

He was also suspended by CNN, and every late night host had their heyday at Toobins expense in the weeks that followed. SNL did not one, but two sketches about the event.

Can you imagine?

Toobin called his behavior that day “deeply moronic and indefensible.”

Indefensible? Really?

Isn’t the tech mishap the definition of defensible?

I understand Toobin has to jump through various public and professional hoops and say the things he’s supposed to say. So it’s impossible to know what he really thinks. But those who matter nodded in agreement:

Yes. This was indefensible.

Many people were interviewed at the time to give their opinion. With grave seriousness and forehead wrinkled contempt- pundits, journalists and fellow colleagues of all kinds- shook their heads and tsked their fingers at Jeffery’s “shocking” and “indefensible” behavior.

Masturbation is hardly shocking. And the fact that he was visible to the room was shocking to Jeffery himself.

So which part is indefensible, exactly? The fact that he made an innocent mistake in understanding how Zoom works?

Or the fact that he decided that the break- which he is free to use however he pleases- would be best used having an orgasm?

Or- is it simply indefensible that he masturbates at all? That he has sexual urges, at all? That he’s not simply an automaton of professional execution and labor but actually has a body filled with animal instincts and needs?

Public discourse on sexual topics often involves a gaslighting of circular logic where things are inferred and left unexamined that are rooted in unconscious collective beliefs about sex. Beliefs that that are part of the erotic mythos we have inherited through centuries of religious programming, body shame and sexual-emotional illiteracy.

And so, when I study collective discourse on sexual topics or scandals I am also listening to the quiet parts. The insinuated beliefs. The parts that are left unspoken.

And the Toobin scandal was a ripe mirror for our collective erotic mythos.

Even with the understanding that this was devastatingly unintentional, the disgust and confusion was deep. The implication was that even in light of the tech mishap, Toobin was suspicious for wanting to masturbate at all. Or at the very least, there was something deranged about his choice to jerk off during office hours.

Toobin couldn’t simply be dismissed as a predatory monster, because he wasn’t one. He couldn’t be so easily “othered” as one of the “bad ones”. And so people were left to confront something even more uncomfortable: He was normal. And that was a terrifying truth that threatened to topple a fragile house of cards covering other more terrifying truths.

People were forced to reconcile with the fact that Toobin was not simply a professional authority figure who helps them feel safe by making sense of this world.

He was also just a horny dude.

A guy with a penis.

A guy with a body.

A man with a sexual appetite.

A man with an urge to ejaculate.

And most importantly- this urge took place not in his “other life” but amidst this one. Beneath all the mental- “neck-up”- busy business of the meeting.

At the same exact time as all that big important business was taking place, right there underneath the desk, was Jeffery’s very ordinary penis with its very ordinary desires. Probably talking to him and making plans for the break as he counted down the minutes.

He wasn't just a professional brain. He was a penis. He had a body.

Jeffery- HOW COULD YOU!?!

People were shocked, horrified and most importantly- confused as to how this could happen.

His need to masturbate during a work break was deemed inexcusable. But what I sensed underneath the outrage was the need to defend against the realization that the people we look to for safety to make sense of our world are also horny animals and that these things do not exist in separate worlds but can occur in the same moment.

As a former Sex-Worker, this interested me.

Because I know penises quite well. I know men and their sexual desires quite well. And I experienced men inside this secret and taboo aspect of their sexual nature many times.

I saw men exactly like Toobin in their buttoned up suits and ties enter my temple on their lunch breaks. Breaks, much like the one Toobin was on. Breaks in which they cast aside their professional identities and work demands and crumpled them onto the floor like the pants and belts they discarded in my presence. Here, I watched them get naked. Here, I watched them indulge in their secret desire to let their primal sexual desires be known, be received, be touched.

Here, I watched them consent to their bodies needs for touch, for pleasure, for orgasm.

After, I watched them suit back up to return to their meetings. To the sterilized, neck-up demands of their professional lives.

Much of my work as a Sacred Prostitute took place in Washington D.C. Many of my clients worked for the government. Jeffery reminds me of many of the clients I saw. He is very familiar to me. In Toobin’s scandal I saw a man whose secret, underground sexual side was colliding suddenly with his professional, above ground life in the exact way that I know he invests considerable effort into hiding.

When I first heard of the scandal I cringed with empathic embarrassment for the guy.

And I realized quickly as I witnessed the response that this was not just about the accidental exposure upon non consenting viewers. People were shocked to see a side of Toobin I observed in hundreds of men just like him. Filled with sexual desires and the need for touch. Desires that coexist alongside his professional skills.

These two things were deemed to be fundamentally incompatible in Toobin. Their sense of safety with his authority was compromised because he revealed he was no longer just a machine of production.

It seemed people could no longer take him seriously or see him as a good person anymore. They couldn’t reconcile the fantasy we have of professionals and authority figures with the “shocking” realization that they also have the desire to orgasm.

The unfortunate voyeurs of the “indefensible” act said that they were “shocked and appalled”, despite knowing that it was both unintentional and devastating for Toobin.

Really? Appalled?

By what- exactly?

After a taking some time to reflect, Toobin said: “I have spent the seven subsequent months…. In therapy. Working on myself. Working on why I did this cause I think there are deeper issues involved.”

Are you fucking kidding me? Deeper issues involved?

Like what? Being a man who feels the need to jerk off at inconvenient moments? Whose desires occasionally intersect with his professional life?

He knows he tried to turn off the camera. Everyone else knows that too. Are we accusing him of some kind of deeply subconscious Freudian Zoom slip here? Or is the fact that he masturbated in a professional setting believed to be evidence of pathological sickness? Where exactly are these “deeper issues” showing?

The more I looked into this it just all became so obvious that the reality of the sexual desire itself is the “deeper issue” here.

He also shared that he would be doing charity work and working to "become the kind of person that people can trust again”.

Those whose opinions matter solemnly nodded their heads- “Good.”

GET HELP MAN!

It’s worth noting that as I searched for quotes about Toobin while writing this, Google offered suggestions for popular related searches such as:

How big of a sin is masturbation?

And

Can God forgive masturbation?

These are things that people around the world are Googling with frequency, apparently.

We mistakenly assume that masturbation is destigmatized now but it isn’t really and Toobin is proof. He has been permanently stigmatized. We may accept masturbation hypothetically but we don’t want to face the implications of what it really means about the world that everyone we know is getting themselves off.

The collective discourse about Toobin isn’t just about how we feel about sexual pleasure. It’s not just about centuries of religious shaming around masturbation. It’s about how these beliefs intersect with our concepts of “professionalism” within the capitalist machine. How we feel about the people we trust to help us feel safe in the world also being vulnerable animals filled with sexual desires.

Because the fact that this was- without question- a purely accidental mishap was not enough ease people’s minds. Instead, soul searching examination into the “indefensible” and “appalling” behavior needed to be excavated.

Why Jeffery? Why did you do it?!!

It’s incomprehensible and WE MUST KNOW- WHY!?!

How could he be a good person and helpful public servant and also a horny animal at the exact same time?

It was a mystery no one could solve.

With an answer so obvious it puzzled me until I understood that accepting the obvious would force an internal psychological confrontation that was too threatening for people to face.

This need for touch, relief, tenderness, pleasure and orgasm. It’s too contrary to who we need you to be. To how we need to see you.

Toobin said in an interview here:

“I’m sorry to everyone who thought I was a better person than this. I’m trying to be a better person.”

In what way- exactly- can he “be better?”

What about him was so flawed to begin with that supposedly led to this indefensible behavior?

There’s another layer of the unspoken discourse here as it relates to how we feel about male sexual desire specifically. Testosterone is notorious for generating a very particular flavor of sexual energy that one might call primal, powerful lust. It is animalistic and instinctual horniness. A raw and passionate impulse that differs significantly from the sophisticated and mystical shapes that erotic energy can also take. Even women who take T for various reasons report that it makes them feel horny. Uncomfortably horny- even.

Men are creatures of testosterone. And this little horny beast inside of them can be harnessed and sublimated into pro-social behaviors, including more sophisticated dimensions of erotic experience. I know because this is one of the things I taught men to do as a Tantric Bodyworker and Artist of Carnal Pleasure.

But let’s not forget that testosterone is what it is. It commonly generates a particular relationship with ejaculation that many men relate to as simply relieving themselves of an uncomfortable itch much like peeing or drinking water. Many men have zero awareness of how to deal with their testosterone nature so that it serves life- so that it serves them. Instead, many experience it as a pesky master they must serve instead. Sometimes at inconvenient moments- such as the lunch break at work.

This uncomfortable truth about testosterone is part of reason (and there are many others) why men frequent Sex Workers far more than women.

It seemed to be implied that the “the deeper work” Jeffery needed to do was vaguely related to this truth. The fact that he’s a horny dude with a very classically presenting testosterone sexual nature that is considered problematic at this time. This is where men “doing the work” to address their innate “male privilege” or “internalized patriarchy” intersects incorrectly with shaming and pathologizing the biological, physical template they live inside of.

The truth is- there’s a particular primal physiology to the male sexual architecture that is vastly different to the female because of the effects of testosterone. This truth exists outside of any feminist theory of male entitlement, patriarchy and domination over women.

It’s natural. It’s the body.

Just look at gay male culture for goodness sakes. No one does primal, animalistic sexual indulgence like gay men. Remove women from the courtship equation and you get to see the kind of sexual culture men create from all that raw, testosterone, sexual impulse. There is a public gay bar in San Francisco called Hole in the Wall that has functioning glory holes. Enough said.

This is not, of course, a “boys will be boys” type of sentiment around men not being “in control” of themselves that has been an underlying myth in the normalization of rape culture.

Rape is a choice. Behavior is the expression of our free will.

That’s why Jeffery tried to shut off his camera.

Of course, there is a way the Toobin discourse was made possible because of the #metoo era in which it arose, particularly the “deeper work” he was expected to do on himself. This is made all the more tragically ironic when you know that Toobin did extensive reporting on the many sexually criminal incidents of men inside the movement.

In one interview he was asked point blank how he- with all the sensitive knowledge and reporting he had done- could make such a similar mistake? How could he do something so indefensible as he had traced so much indefensible male sexual behavior?

But Toobins behavior was not a “similar mistake” to sexual assault. And to frame sexual assault this way is a grave and serious error. But he agreed that it was a “similar mistake” and responded:

“Because I am a flawed human being.”

Apologize and repent for your horniness!

For many, this was a certifiable #metoo moment for which his career and public image should not be allowed to recover. In a project funded by Georgia University that analyses public apologies, it was reported that his “statements were, on the whole, full of denials and defenses, including arguments about what ‘counts’ as harassment…”

If a tech fumble such as this- where a guy was accidentally visible as he masturbated- constitutes as “harassment” then how are we to ever appropriately respond to the epidemic of sexual violence against women and girls? This doesn’t make the matter more serious- in my opinion. It has just the opposite effect.

Megan Kelly- who was once a #metoo heroine- famously tweeted about Toobin’s rehiring and acceptance back into the public sphere by stating that no woman would have ever been forgiven and redeemed if she had done the same thing. She was pointing out the boys club, rightfully so. And she makes a good point.

However, that point is compromised when you realize that this statement amounts to nothing more than a political pawn. Toobin is a liberal. And Kelly has no issue forgiving and redeeming characters like Russel Brand- the newly conservative Christian- with a nudge nudge wink wink when it comes to his allegations of sexual assault. Some against 16 year old girls. And let us not forget how Kelly forgave Trump’s 2016 smear campaign against after she dared to fire a #metoo coded question at him during the debate regarding his “grab em by the pussy” statement as well as his propensity to call “women he dislikes, fat pigs, dogs, slobs, and disgusting animals.”

The weeks long misogynistic abuse he unleashed on her led to such extreme attacks from his fan base that she received countless death threats and had to hire body guards to protect her and her family. The severity of this public Scapegoating ritual nearly ended her career. This was all forgiven recently when she publicly endorsed him in the recent election and stated that she understood that he did all this to her in 2016 as part of a political strategy.

Here again we see priority given to the machine over the vulnerable, sexual, human animal. Keep the cogs in the wheel moving and never disrupt the important business that needs to be done.

The more I investigated the Toobin case the more I was filled with the righteous fury of Fuck This Shit.

We are not just a cog in the wheel goddamit! We are more than this!

More than the output of productivity! More than mere numbers and modes of production!

We are bodies! Animals! Sexual creatures! We have needs! We feel things and those feelings matter damnit!

Yes! We orgasm! Yes! We jerk off when we get stressed out! It down regulates the nervous system!

And we are stressed the fuck out!

Are we allowed nothing? Will you really take this from us too?!?!

Let’s be honest. If Toobin would have retreated to the back of the room to rub his heart tenderly. To squeeze his aching shoulders and audibly sigh while making sounds of pleasure and relief- the reaction would have been similar.

Side eyed shaming. Shock and confusion wondering: what the fuck is wrong with this guy?

Because it’s not just about masturbation. It’s about how we feel about the reality of the body and it’s need for comfort.

I know because I do strange things with my body in public all the time and I see the way people react to it. I’ll tuck myself into a ball in a waiting room and rock back and forth for comfort if I need to. I’ll move energy through making sounds. I am that girl in the airport who will sit down in the middle of the floor and relieve myself of the tensions of travel by stretching, touching my body and audibly breathing and sighing.

None of this is explicitly sexual, but it’s sensual, embodied and expressive of the body’s need in such a way that it registers to most people as both sexual and strange.

Breathe in an audible way in public and trust me- someone will ask you if you’re ok with a tone that says what the fuck is wrong with you. Strangers will assume you are insane at worst and rudely inappropriate at best.

It makes people uncomfortable to witness it.

It makes them confront the truth of their own body too.

It makes them realize how much they are suppressing.

So suck it up. Hold your breath. Ignore your body. Execute tasks. Carry on like a floating brain. Stop listening to the reality of feeling and sensation. Stop meeting your body’s needs.

Jeffery Toobin masturbated and made everyone confront the fact that they have bodies and needs too. They had to face the truth that the machine of our world is held together by a bunch of vulnerable humans that get horny sometimes. Even the professionals we trust as authority figures to help us make sense of the craziness we find ourselves inside of are still animals underneath. Not “flawed human beings” but bodies with the urge to orgasm. Bodies that crave tenderness, comfort and pleasure.

Toobin did exactly this. He consented to his body’s needs. He met his body’s desire for touch, pleasure and comfort. And he touched his genitals in a moment he believed was private.

His masturbation that day may very well have been nothing more than a need to release some physiological tension. His orgasm may have been his best attempt at down regulating his nervous system.

The man wanted some fucking relief.

Sadly, Jeffery understood that people could not integrate these two aspects of himself existing in one person. Which is why he said: “I’m sorry to the people who read my work and watched me on CNN and thought that I was a better person than this”.

We want our leaders to be free of the carnal desires of the animal body. So they indulge their body’s needs and then clean themselves up and return to work to do open heart surgery and write articles for CNN and explain the scary world to us so that we can feel safe and secure in part by pretending they are more than human.

I touched their sexual desires. Their need for physical comfort. I saw them in the secret parts of themselves that no zoom meeting wants to see.

Sex Workers have always taken on the thankless labor for the collective in bringing much needed stress relief to the people who run the world. And hopefully- blessing their day with a glimpse into the beauty, magic, Love and meaning that only the Sacred Feminine can bring. Beauty, magic, Love and meaning that our public institutions are so desperately and urgently in need of.

Really, we should all listen to Jeffery Toobin’s penis. We should pay attention to what it’s telling us:

I am not just a cog in the wheel. I am not just a productivity machine. I have a body. I have needs. I need pleasure.

This world is stressful and scary.

And I need some fucking relief.

Read the Undercover Priestess: Secret Diary of a Whore series here.