I Don't Wake Up Anxious Anymore

For those of you who know me, you will remember that I would always share about waking up with crippling anxiety every morning. I was always worried when I woke up. Then I would pray, and the rest of the day would be fine. Of course, this drove me to depend on God, which was good, but the deep-seated early morning anxiety was very unpleasant.

I woke up with a realization yesterday. It suddenly dawned on me as I opened my eyes that I did not wake up anxious anymore. It probably stopped a while ago, but I only paid attention yesterday. So I reflected on why I would be so worried when I opened my eyes for years on end, decades even.

I am someone who strives for excellence. It was drilled into me at a young age. So I want to do everything well. No shortcuts or half-baked jobs. I also want to be true to myself and have integrity in my interactions. I set myself high goals in everything I do. Working in a church or para-church environment with high expectations (unrealistic, I may say) reinforced that tendency.

I also do not suffer fools, and I stand up for myself and others. If I disagree with something, or if my conscience is bothered, I will speak up. This led to having many difficult conversations and fighting many battles over the years. Every day brought difficult interactions, and the anticipation of that was the main reason for my anxiety.

As a woman working in a high-control patriarchal setting, life felt like a constant battle. Difficult conversation after difficult conversation. Disagreement after disagreement. Having to fight for my voice to be heard. Having to work three times as hard as my male counterparts to have a place at the table.

I stepped out of that environment two and a half years ago (I decided three years ago, but I actually left two and a half years ago), and gradually my circumstances changed. In the beginning, I was still having to engage with challenging conversations, but now I have my boundaries in place. So that has helped a lot. I can say no to conversations I do not want to have. I can also disagree without an explanation.

Occasionally, I still engage because the mama bear in me gets activated, or I advocate for others, but overall, my life has changed a lot. I only need to have difficult interactions once in a while, and when I do, they do not affect my life outcomes, my livelihood, my future, or that of my family.

Writing this blog and getting therapy have also been incredibly validating. My therapist would often ask me how I felt, and every time, I would say “validated”. I was not crazy for thinking the way I did. I was actually the normal or sane, rational one. This blog has connected me with so many amazing writers in the same ecosystem of spiritual deconstruction after being involved in toxic religion. They have been so encouraging!

The response to this blog has also been so unexpected. I started writing it for myself and my close friends, but it is now reaching far and wide. I receive so many messages of gratitude and validation. I am not doing it for those reasons, but the fact that my posts are resonating with so many is really encouraging. Every time I think maybe I am done and I have written enough, someone will say not to stop. Right now, it is so valuable to so many. I suppose that hearing a former leader agree with and validate what so many members have experienced is healing.

So the early morning anxiety has gone. Just like that. By itself. And my nervous system is thankful. I do not wake up with knots in my stomach and a desperate need to pray. I still pray, but not with the same motivation. It is probably a good thing. I know it is a long road of recovery, and I will discover more and more in the next few months and years, so here we are today, with this new realization. And it feels good.