Snowfall & Surrender

Today was a snow day.

Before the break of dawn, we opened our front door to a world blanketed in hushed beauty, a morning not yet moving, because today there was no rush. No, this morning was filled with a beautiful silence.

Just a few short hours later the silence broke and the peace and joy almost felt as if it slipped away as our 21 year old got upset and left. I was stupefied, but I chose to remain in a controlled state of mind. Hours later, though, I found myself overtaken by grief and a deep, soulful tiredness. I shouldn’t be surprised, I never took the time this morning to speak with my Father. Now, I didn’t even know where to begin.

I was speechless. And yet my hands ached for a pen, longing to bleed onto paper. I had nothing to say, which made the ache all the worse. And this is where my frustration was reminded of my faith and I began to write out my prayer. It felt strange to write a prayer. I never do. I often feel like written prayers should be manicured and restrained… just in case. In case someone reads it. Or worse, what if God reads it and it sounds exactly like I feel…uninspired? Still, I did it anyway.

My written prayer unfolded differently than I ever imagined. I didn’t begin with the familiar, “Hello Lord.” Instead, I stated the obvious, “I do not know how to handle conflict or tough moments. It’s days like today that make my heart ache with sadness. I have no appropriate coping skills.”

Then came the familiar voice of my past, cue the self-pity, “There are so many days of my life I wish I could do over. Live better. Make decisions without fear, fear of people, fear of upsetting others, fear of being left.”

But the me of today has been through so many refining seasons; and of recent God has really had my attention and I have begun to more fully live a life laid down for Him. A life lived better for His glory. A life where lost time is being redeemed.

This is where my past and present had to bow to the GOODNESS of God. And, it is at this intersection that I am reminded of my husband’s saying, “We have to choose surrender every day.” Surrender certainly is not a one and done. He continues, “We either start with surrender or end with surrender, but either way we surrender.” And my starting with it would have made today so much different.

The prayer continued.

I have spent a great amount of time of late thinking about laments. When I had begun writing this prayer, that was my goal, thank God, shake my fist, remind myself of His faithfulness and sovereignty and move past this moment. Here is how it went, “I feel so tired. Maybe because I feel like my life keeps repeating the same cycle. I SHOULD be asking You what I need to learn. What old behavior and ways do You want me to lay down? Because I know that this is the only way forward. But I will need to hear from you what needs to be refined. I want to lament and feel better but how can I do that when I am the problem?”

When all else fails, begin where you should have started, in the Word.

That’s when I began to write out Psalm 77. Almost immediately, God brought another passage to mind,

“Do not be conformed to this world, but transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:2

I accepted those words. I agreed, I will not be conformed to this world. I will not relive my past. Instead, I chose to be transformed by the renewing of my mind. As I wrote out the remainder of Psalm 77, I heard exactly what I had been asking for. The will cycle break when I meditate on His Word. That is where I learn to discern His voice of truth over the noise of the world. When our thoughts race, when we are troubled and perplexed, we must choose to steady our souls and renew our minds. Renewal requires returning to Scripture again and again, listening for the comforting voice of the Father. I will dwell in His Word. I will surrender to reflection and contemplation daily.

In Psalm 77:11–12, Asaph gives us three verbs that guide us toward renewal:

“I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
Yes, I will remember Your wonders of old.
I will ponder all Your work,
And meditate on Your mighty deeds.”

1. REMEMBER — zakar: to call to mind.
Asaph intentionally recalls what the Lord had done for Israel. When we feel buried beneath the weight of the past or present, we must call to mind the ways God has shown up for us. Speak your testimony aloud. And if your well feels dry, cling to the truth you cannot deny, the saving resurrection power of Jesus Christ and the love that carried Him to the cross for you and for me.

2. PONDER — hagah: to meditate, to resound.
If we want to loosen the grip of this world’s weight, Scripture must fill us. We want the Word of the Lord to fill us, impact us therefore we need to hear it, pray it, sing it, and let it resound through minds. Isaiah 31:4, “This is what the LORD says to me: “As a lion growls, a great lion over its prey...” uses the word roar, or hagah, to bring a vivid image to our minds. Stop for a moment, close your eyes and picture a lion roaring. He roars with more than just his voice, no the roar resonates and reverberates through his entire body. His roar, like the way we should let God’s word resound in us, it should come from the very center of our being. Without it, our minds, the world and Satan fill in the blanks where the truth belongs. We cannot forget that Satan’s lies don’t become our truth until we believe them, and then those lies become our reality. BUT when the Truth in buried down in our heart and radiates from the inside out of us, Satan’s lies cannot stand. Truth will then hold the place it belongs, on top of the remnants of the lies we once believed.

3. MEDITATE — siyach: an internal dialogue with God through prayer, reflection, and even complaint.
The Puritans described meditation as preaching to ourselves. Isn’t that freeing? In the pre-meltdown, mid-panic, or post-anxiety moment, we don’t need an audience, we need to preach scripture to our own souls.

Tonight, the world outside remains hushed. Inside the warmth of my home, my soul is learning to be the same. Tomorrow I will begin with surrender. And by His grace, I will stay firmly planted there. The day may be ending in a sad kind of quiet, but it is here that He draws me the closer to Himself.

I did not get the do over I wished for. I did not rewind the morning or repair the moment with my son. But I was given a day that was filled remembrance, pondering and mediating on the Word. Maybe this is what renewal looks, not the absence of conflict, but the presence of God within it. Not a perfected heart, but a yielded one. Not a beauty filled snow day, but a fractured snow day redeemed by His Truth.

• Where in your life are you resisting surrender instead of starting with it?

• What cycle do you sense God inviting you to break through the renewal of your mind?

• When was the last time you truly lamented before the Lord…honestly and without polish?

• What Scripture has anchored you when your thoughts felt loud or overwhelming?

If this resonated with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.