The Self and Its Surrender

In a previous post I wrote about The Search for Self, which I believe is a primary psychological task all throughout our lives. In psychology the self is a core identity, our essence, which persists through time. Some call this equivalent to the soul or spirit. I believe we are born with the necessary elements of this self and begin to manifest it when we are toddlers. It can be modified with experience, positive or negative, but the core or essence never leaves us. Negative experiences may distort, batter, and shrink it, circumstances may lead to its failure to thrive, but it is always there, seeking expression in the world.

Faith traditions sometimes speak of this self as God-given. That the self is the source of some things the world needs: talents and skills and joy. Whatever the case, in the people I have worked with I have seen that attempts to stifle or redirect it by external forces are doomed to fail. It is particularly a terrible thing to see a young person thwarted in their search for self. The result is pain, which is then transmitted to others.

It seems odd, then, that some entities, like corporations and governments, and sometimes the same faith traditions mentioned above, also call for its surrender. That we set aside or deny the self for a “greater need or purpose.” Through a perceived need for obedience or conforming to whatever expectations or rules are being promoted. This creates a pernicious degree of dissonance, problematic behavior, and sickness. It’s like trying to stop the sun from rising, or the rooster from bidding it welcome.

There is gold in the real self.

Self-centered, self-absorbed, self-promotion, self-validation, or selfish are other matters entirely. Though these contain the root word of self, these are not equivalent to the genuine article at all, and are externally versus internally driven. In my opinion it is these that need surrendering, in all their manifestations. Vanity, conceit, humble bragging, and tyranny are examples. Expression of the real self requires none of this. A real self also does not inflict pain. These are all distortions in the self. There are many other blind alleys and trap doors besides these.

The thing is, the pull for the false self is great, and we are all vulnerable to quick boosts to self-esteem. Such hits can feel good but are temporary at best, which means we have to keep doing or increasing it to achieve the same effect. It’s no accident that social media barons have incorporated this vulnerability into algorithms. They (seem to) work! They’re (apparently) easy! Yet they can be as harmful as any other addiction. There is no gold in this, only shiny objects. Fool's gold, as it were.

I don’t mean to suggest that separating the self from beguiling substitutes is a simple task. This is part of what it means to “search” for the self. Time, exploration, trial and error are all involved in the search. It’s more like nurturing and pruning roses than cutting them down and replanting them over and over. This discovery of what fits and works well is the business of the young, and what seems like a silly “flash in the pan” is not that at all. And it is relevant to any age. Just ask anyone who has “regrouped” in, say, mid- or late-life. It’s a harder process, but also more rewarding and enduring. If anyone demands that you abandon or contort the self they are at best confusing or conflating psychological concepts, and at worst impairing your development. They should instead find ways to integrate your real self into the relationship, group, or organization.

I once overheard one smart person tell another smart person “Well, it's too late to be thinkin' about your legacy now.” Bunkum and malarkey! It’s never too late to articulate and refine who you really are. Others can stay in the past if they choose to.

We all have to cull the dross in our lives, a worthwhile task that never ends. That is the true surrender.

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