Lessons in Cringe

Cringeworthy entered the lexicon in 1977 and its usage increased dramatically around 2012-2014. It refers to behavior that is embarrassing, awkward, or upsetting to both the producer of cringe and those around them. It is a universal phenomenon; everyone has experienced it in some way. So universal that it has become a theme in modern comedy. Related terms are Freudian Slip or slip of the tongue, which refer to actions that arise from unacceptable impulses breaking through ordinary defenses, and bursting forth in an uncontrolled manner. Another related but more crude term is “brain fart.” Cringeworthy has also become a pejorative term to convey a sense of disgust in someone’s behavior. But this is not the sense I want to focus on today.

Cringe has value. It can be a sign post for unconscious or subconscious motivations we need to grapple with. Motives that remain less than conscious can do damage to everyone, so it follows that we can do better in the world by being conscious of our unconsciousness. The notion of “unacceptable impulses” refers to what we ourselves think, not just others. So wrestling with this means we struggle to know that we can think or believe negative or unsavory things, and work to accept that it is in our nature. It is by accepting the reality of the unacceptable that we can gain some control of it. One of the many paradoxes of life.

It is clear that many in the public sphere today are not or will not do this work. Perhaps the advent of reality shows, social media, and the politics of cruelty have encouraged us to eliminate social filters and enthrone a “right” to be exactly as we are, at all times. (This right does not actually exist, in the formal sense.) Endorsing this entitlement may result in:

• Over sharing personal information in the wrong context

• Teasing to the point of cruelty

• Needlessly and wrongly offending others

• Glorifying power, aggression, or conceit

• Failing to respect or belittling healthy boundaries

• Dominating conversation, time, or space

The list of possible cringes goes on. The point of all this is not that “some people” do this…it’s that we are all capable of it.

The continued evolution of our species depends on our continued development. Stasis does not lead to evolution. Improving our mastery of unconscious motives will also improve the world, or at the very least our little corners of it. One way to work on this is to keep a journal of negative impulses or occasions we have expressed them reflexively. Dreams in which these appear may also be of interest. Over time you should see patterns or groupings which can be meaningful. Then ask yourself: “Where do these come from?” “Are these working for me and those around me?” “Are these reflective of who I am able to be?”

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