I'm feeling euphorbic

First time I saw a mess of big euphorbias in bloom I was enraptured. I wanted one.

You can’t have just one. The euphorbias will see to that. Euphorbia is one of the largest genera of flowering plants with thousands of species and all of them are bent on empire.

I never did plant one. They just descended on my garden like a good idea, an inspiration, a gift from the gods, and only later became a bad earworm, an ominous threat, the back taxes you’re trying not to think about. They colonized the alley side of our wall and sent out recruits to the other side of the alley until our commodious neighborhood thoroughfare had narrowed to moped territory. And one day I decided they could go away.

To be specific, I would just pull them the fuck out, is what I would do.

I got started. They’re shallow-rooted but some of them were tenacious. I’d get a good grip and start yanking and nothing much would happen. I had to throw my whole body into it. I know how this works. You either don’t get it out, or you do but you sail backwards end-over-end and land in the blackberries with a snapped twig in your fist while the neighbors pretend not to giggle. It’s about as effective as pulling up an anchor by tying yourself to the chain and heaving yourself overboard.

I paused.

Didn’t there use to be a big strong man in this house?

There did. Real big and strong, and no longer on retainer.

The big strong man wouldn’t throw his whole body into it unless he had to; he used his arm muscles. But wait! I’ve been taking weight training classes since February! I am a strong and powerful woman! I can do this! Flaw: I am not a strong and powerful woman. I am a noodle-armed old lady in a travel-size package. I don’t even outweigh some of the plants I’ve tried to pull out of the ground. However, I am considerably stronger than I was the last time I tried to do this. I even have little bumps on my arms where the muscles show up on the anatomy chart. I can flex and you’d totally see them if you were close enough. They’re not so strong I can’t squish them with my opposite hand, but it’s still an improvement. I figured if I get a good grip down low, and use my new arm bumps instead of my whole body, I could pull that mofo out.

New subject, completely unrelated: Where did the phrase “ass over teakettle” come from? I looked it up so you don’t have to. And the answer is nobody knows. Sometimes it’s arse over teacups and sometimes it’s ass over tincups and nobody knows what the teacups and tincups are either. Everyone’s guessing. The phrase sounds like a euphemism, but “ass” is already out there, so why be coy?

In the phrase “ass over teakettle,” what’s the teakettle?

Is it the thing with the little spout that makes high-pitched sounds when it starts to get hot?

Oh. It could totally be that.