Some people wanted me to shrink

Hi there Goat Herd,

One of the biggest changes over the past year had nothing to do with art, writing, or even comics themselves. It was confidence.

When I first started interacting with comic creator circles, there were several occasions where male creators tried to put me down or downplay my work. Sometimes it was direct, sometimes it was more subtle, but the message was the same: that I was lesser, “unserious”, or lucky to even be included in the conversation.

Those things add up over time.

And after enough of it, I started doing their job for them. I downplayed my own work before anyone else could, I criticized myself first, I acted smaller than I was and I spoke cautiously about what I made. I treated other creators like they were automatically more legitimate than me.

I figured if I got there first, it would sting less when someone else did it.

So for years, being in comics felt like fighting for a seat at the indie comics table, trying to prove I belonged there and trying to be good enough that maybe someone would finally make room for me.

Eventually, I got tired of fighting for that seat.

This past year changed something in me. Going back to school, stepping outside the comics bubble, meeting new people, learning new things, and succeeding in spaces that had nothing to do with art reminded me that I’m capable. It reminded me that my value doesn’t depend on whether certain people approve of me.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped waiting to be invited.

And I realized I could just bring my own folding chair from home and set it right up at the table where I belong. If someone wants to tell me I don’t belong there now, that sounds like their problem.

That’s how coming back to comics feels. I don’t feel desperate to be accepted, I don’t feel the urge to make myself smaller and I’m not apologizing for “taking up space.”

I’m going to keep showing up as myself, with the work I believe in and take my place.

That shift has meant more to me than I can explain.

Confidence doesn’t have to be dramatic. I don’t have to loudly proclaim that I’m here. I just have to sit at the table and smirk at the people who want to tell me I don’t belong there.

I think Sacrimony is better for it.

I’m better for it, too.

Talk soon. 🖤
-M