This afternoon, a new recruit reported for training. His name is Major Starbert the Starfish , and he comes from the more exotic regions of my kingdom, a mysterious territory beyond the usual sofa, dining chairs and approved sleeping quarters. I understand he has travelled some distance to enter my service. Admirable, certainly, although I remain unclear as to who approved his transfer. Major…
This morning, my male-human woke up to discover Miss Moo Moo Longtail underneath him. He seemed surprised. I was not. Allow me to explain. During the night, I had carried Miss Moo Moo Longtail to him personally. This was not random behaviour. It was a carefully considered household-management decision. Miss Moo Moo Longtail is, after all, one of my trusted companions. She is soft, dependable and…
There comes a moment in every well-run household when one must accept that the training department needs to expand. Apparently, that moment has arrived. I would therefore like to formally introduce Sir Hops-a-Lot Longtail , the newest member of my household training programme. Sir Hops-a-Lot Longtail is a small frog with an unusually long tail, which immediately raises several administrative…
This morning, I arrived for inspection at 7:30 . Yes, 7:30. My humans had been granted a full extra hour of sleep. I do hope they appreciated it. Such generosity from senior management should never be considered standard procedure. When I finally appeared, I was exceptionally affectionate. Lots of cuddles. Close contact. A particularly warm and loving performance. There was, of course, a perfectly…
Today, I regret to report a serious breach of trust within my household. My humans approached me with suspicious levels of kindness. There was gentle talking, strategic stroking and absolutely no mention whatsoever of medical procedures. Naturally, I assumed they had finally understood their place. I was mistaken. Before I could convene an emergency meeting, one of them had applied an anti-worm…
I have been informed that a new young gentleman has joined my Ring of Friendship. His name is Little Soldier . An excellent name. Especially for a cat who has been appointed to a strong military family and will, no doubt, soon discover that commanding Humans requires discipline, patience and a very clear chain of command. Little Soldier comes from a distinguished line of cats before him, including…
Today is an important day in my household. My humans are celebrating their wedding anniversary. Naturally, I have been supervising the occasion. Marriage, after all, is a serious long-term household arrangement involving patience, loyalty, shared furniture and the occasional disagreement about where someone is allowed to sleep. In that respect, I believe I am highly qualified to comment. My humans…
I am pleased to report that the recent decision to leave the doors open at night has been met with my approval. Naturally, I do not sleep in just one place. That would suggest a lack of options, and I have worked far too hard on this household to tolerate such restrictions. Some nights I select the sofa. On others, a chair, a quiet corner, or another carefully chosen location that happens to meet…
Today is a particularly important date in the household calendar: the male-human is celebrating his birthday. Naturally, I have dressed for the occasion in my finest white outfit. It is freshly arranged, beautifully fluffed and, as always, entirely bespoke. Some creatures require wardrobes. I simply wake up looking magnificent. In honour of his special day, I have also decided to be on my very…
Tonight, the doors will remain open. Quite right too. A queen cannot be expected to manage her household through closed departments. I shall be making full use of this new freedom. There will be bedroom inspections, hallway patrols and several surprise checks on my humans. I may also test every available sleeping spot before choosing the one that inconveniences them most. This is especially…
There was a time, before I took up my present royal appointment, when I lived in Enschede and answered to the name Jutta. It was a perfectly respectable name, of course. Nothing wrong with it at all. But when my future humans came to meet me, they immediately understood something rather important: I was not Jutta. I was Mrs. Cotton. Some humans require months of training before they recognise…
Miss Moo Moo Longtail has once again been under the knife. Plastic surgery, no less. Fortunately, my humans performed the operation rather well. I supervised from a suitable distance, naturally. A ruler must allow her staff to develop confidence, even when they are repairing important members of the royal household. Miss Moo Moo Longtail is recovering nicely, although I shall continue to inspect…
My Dearest Nieces of the North, I was utterly delighted to receive your handwritten communication in the form of a proper letter. In an age when humans insist on tapping hurried little messages into glowing screens, it was most refreshing to receive something created with genuine care, patience and excellent penmanship. Please know that you are always most welcome in my household. Your presence…
King Charles and Queen Camilla appeared at the opening of the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow by stepping out of Doctor Who’s TARDIS. As a fellow head of state, I must admit this was an impressive entrance. Arriving officially by blue time machine is difficult to surpass, although I personally prefer to materialise silently behind my humans while they are eating. It creates much the same sense of…
A ginger tom from the neighbourhood came to assist me with an unexpected security inspection today. Naturally, this involved enormous tails, several firm hisses and a considerable amount of highly professional staring. My humans appeared concerned, but they do not always understand advanced feline diplomacy. Allow me to reassure everyone that this was completely normal. The tom had entered my…
By the time my humans believe the house has settled for the night, my real work begins. At precisely the moment they switch off the lights and whisper, “Goodnight,” I commence the final inspection of my kingdom. The female human turns over exactly seven times before accepting that I have already selected the best part of the bed. The male human continues to insist that the duvet belongs equally to…
My female human is coming home, and I can hardly wait. Naturally, I have kept the household running smoothly in her absence. The cushions have been supervised, the windows inspected and the male human has received several important training reminders. Still, the kingdom is simply not the same without her. I am very much looking forward to hearing the door open, seeing her walk in and pretending,…
Yesterday, my humans committed the same household offence they have committed many times before. They brought out the vacuum cleaner. I was resting peacefully, supervising the living room from a strategically selected position, when the machine appeared without warning. No consultation. No written notice. Not even a polite request for approval. Then it began. The noise was entirely unreasonable.…
Saturday mornings are an important part of my household administration. My humans seem to believe that Saturday is a day for “sleeping in”. This is a charming idea, rather like believing the sofa belongs to them. At precisely the correct hour, which is whenever I decide the household has been inactive for long enough, I begin my inspection. First, I sit beside the bed and observe. Nothing. Then I…
The weekend is nearly upon us, which means my humans will once again be at home for a full twenty-four hours a day. Naturally, they consider this relaxing. For me, however, it means increased supervision, additional household management and considerably more foot traffic through my kingdom. There will be doors opened at inconvenient moments, cushions occupied without permission and repeated…
Last night, the Nieces of the North came by for one final farewell before setting off on the very long day ahead of them. Naturally, I supervised the proceedings. Farewells are delicate household matters. They require warmth, suitable attention and, ideally, a cat positioned somewhere nearby to ensure that emotions do not become entirely unregulated. I therefore remained available in my official…
At first, I regarded the exterior painter with the caution appropriate for any tradesman arriving at my residence with ladders, brushes and suspiciously energetic footwear. He made noises outside my windows, moved objects without submitting the correct paperwork and appeared at several unexpected heights. Naturally, I placed him under observation. However, I am a fair ruler, and I believe in…
Humans do not understand closed doors. They believe a door is simply either open or shut. A practical household object. Very sweet. To a cat, however, a closed door is a formal challenge to authority. In my household, I deal with this personally. I sit outside the offending door and issue one clear instruction. If my humans fail to respond, I repeat it at increasing volume while placing one paw…
By the way, there is a beauty nap in progress now. Royal duties have been temporarily suspended while I restore my elegance, recharge my authority and ensure I remain the finest-looking member of this household. Yours, Mrs. Cotton 🐱🐾
When the Northern Family left, I noticed that my female human had a little dampness in her eyes. I also thought I heard her quietly wondering when she would see them again. Humans do become terribly attached to one another. So, by the way, I shall be keeping a closer eye on her for the next little while. Nothing too obvious, of course. A queen must preserve her dignity. But I may sit nearby,…