Reading · Mother of all Chapters

I watched Remarkably Bright Creatures last night and a quote by one of the supporting characters stopped me cold. Mary Ann turns to Tova and says:

“You are so busy trying not to be a burden to anyone, you've forgotten how to be a friend.”

It got me thinking about friendships and the village we all say we want. I think we have gotten so caught up, as people and particularly as moms, in not saying the wrong thing, not doing the wrong thing, having opinions about everything and knowing entirely too much about each other from the internet, that we have retreated. Not because we do not want the connection. We do. We desperately do. But we have lost sight of something simple: needing help, support, advice, or just some company is not a burden. It is how friendship is built and sustained. It is how we create the village we all say we so desperately want and need.

A village is not something that happens to you. It’s not something you go searching for and magically find one day. It is a network of genuine community that you build, snack preference by snack preference.

My mom was not the parent with the biggest house or the coolest toys or the loose rules that made our house the cool house. What filled our entry way with other kids shoes year round was her presence (and her food). She is the most loving, thoughtful, attentive version of a mom I could have asked for, and the way she showed up for the people in her life, our neighbors, our friends, all of these kids who weren’t hers but ended up at our kitchen table anyway, taught me more about community than anything I have read since.

She did not wait for a village to arrive. She just set the table and started feeding people. She shared some of the mental load with other moms, being sure to fully stock our friends favorite foods, volunteered to car pool, asked our friends about school, their lives, actually got to know them. She’d make an effort to go to everyone’s birthday parties, we were always invited to other kid’s major life events - school plays, first communions, bar/bat mitzvahs. They could count on her being there, gift in hand with a shared pride for their kids success. I once had a friend tell me “I’m only friends with you because of your mom” she was joking… I think :)

Since becoming a mom, being that mom is one of my goals.

I’ve already written about the importance of finding your village, or as I prefer to call them, your co-workers in motherhood (link), and how to ask for help as a mom (link). But wanting a village and actively building one are two different things. In order to find or create a supportive group of women to share your motherhood experience with, you have to be an active participant. You have to be a villager. And in a lot of cases, if you are building from scratch, you have to be the first mover.

Follow me on a quick detour into marketing principles… I promise it applies.

First mover advantage is the competitive edge gained by the first significant player to enter a new market. It is why you ask for a Kleenex instead of a facial tissue and why you Google something instead of searching for it. The first mover establishes the brand, builds the loyalty, and sets the standard before anyone else has the chance to. You want to do exactly this within your village. By being the first to put yourself out there, you set the tone, establish your brand within the community, and make it easier for the people around you to reciprocate. It also dissolves that awkward early “what kind of friends are we” feeling. You are the helper. The one who shows up. The reliable, dependable presence who wants to support others. That reputation builds faster than you think and becomes self-sustaining.

If you are anything like me, you want to be a villager but it is easier said than done. I am the type of person who, when I read parenting advice, struggles to apply it if it doesn’t come with a script. Ok, but what do I actually say? What do I actually do? I find myself in the same situation with the idea of being a villager at times. The concept resonates completely, the desire is there, but the execution is where I stall. Three years into motherhood and a cross-country move later, I’ve found what has worked for me and how to better put myself out there. I’m still learning on the fly and have room for improvement but I’m getting there!

This post is meant to serve as your how to be a villager “script”:

Know their coffee order. Ask every new mom friend what she drinks and put it in her contact notes on your phone. When she has a hard week, a DoorDash Starbucks order takes you four minutes and will make her genuinely feel seen. Lowest possible lift, highest possible return.

Double the recipe. If you made something good for dinner, make twice as much and drop half off to someone who could use a night off. Text ahead, leave it on the porch, done.

Pass things forward. Before anything your kid has outgrown goes to a donation center, post in your local mom group first. Someone in your neighborhood can use those clothes, that gear, those toys. It costs you nothing and builds exactly the kind of goodwill that comes back around.

Invite people over. Your house doesn’t need to be perfect. Invite a few families over for pizza and a chance for kids to run themselves ragged in the backyard before bedtime. No one will turn down the opportunity to skip dinner planning for the night.

If standing at the park and trying to make awkward please be my friend eye contact with other moms isn’t your thing (SAME!) here’s a few playdate ideas to try. If you have a group of moms already, great. If you’re still finding your community, be bold and post these prompts in your local mom groups on FB or send out an invite to the moms in any mom and tot classes you may be a part of:

Schedule a “swap”. Snack swap, clothes swap, book swap … basically a themed playdate. By swapping you’re creating a reason for people to actually want to show up and you’re inviting discussion on a shared topic to make things less awkward. I recently attended a snack swap and it was actually fun. A pile of mom approved snacks laid out on the picnic table for kids to try something new and take home their favorites.

“Let’s mix things up with a toddler-friendly favorite snacks party at the park!
Bring your little one’s go-to favorite snacks and swap with friends for something new. It’s a fun way to discover new treats while the kiddos play and snack together!”
Other themed playdates in my notes app: books and bottles, bagels and bubbles, dinos and donuts, chalk… just chalk

Mom lunch club or coffee club. For whatever reason calling something a club makes it easier to plan and more exciting to join. Have it be the same day and time each week or month to encourage attendance. Rotate locations as a way to try new places in your area or choose the coffee shop closest to the park for the kids to play after. You are creating a purpose and lowering the social stakes at the same time.

Create a menu of activities to choose from/invite friends to. Summer is coming, jot down a list of ALL local attractions, parks, restaurants, etc. you know your kids (or you) love as well as some new ones you’ve been meaning to try. Keep it on your phone and treat it as your activity menu for the week. This is the list that makes the spontaneous “want to meet tomorrow morning?” text to another mom actually get sent instead of remaining a good intention that never becomes a plan.

You are not doing any of this to collect favors. You are doing it because the kind of community worth having is the kind worth contributing to. The person who knows your kid’s snack order by heart got there because she was paying attention. Be the person who pays attention.

How do you show up as a villager? Comment below, I’m always looking for ideas.

How to Be a Villager

Comments