Reading · Mother of all Chapters

My husband’s reaction to this post, through a fit of laughter, was “your Substack people need to know you’re not yelling at them.”

I am not yelling at you in this post, ok? Only at the special brand of parent described below. We all slip up and have our moments, none of us are perfect.

This is a rally cry for “let kids be kids.” It’s just veiled in a tirade :)

I love my son, fiercely. I love the children in my life - family, friends kids, the random kids I see while out and about in our local area. I’ll expand on that further and say I have absolutely nothing against children as a category of human being.

What I cannot stand, as it turns out, is watching adults lose their minds in response to kids being kids.

For context, I’m writing this in my notes app as I sit poolside on Mother’s Day sipping my second blonde ale. A little truth serum never hurt, right?

I’ve realized I’m a mom who does not enjoy to be around large groups of random children. And it’s not their fault, it’s not the kids. I simply cannot stand being around parents parenting their children loudly, frantically, empty-threateningly, ineffectively in public.

That being said, I am pro bring your kids everywhere and anywhere. It’s the only way they learn how to be people in public. Bar? Bring ‘em. Fancy restaurant? Bring ‘em. Nice resort? Bring ‘em. Post-bedtime live event? Bring ‘em. Children belong in the world. They learn how to exist in it by being in it, not by being kept home until they are somehow magically ready.

But…BIG but, when you do that, as a parent you need to be ready to pack up and leave when things go sideways, or better put, when they have reached their developmentally appropriate limit in adult spaces. A two year old is not a ten year old. Do not expect them to behave like one. And please, do not throw an iPad in front of them to prolong the inevitable. Talk to them. Engage with them. Bring fidgety toys and things to color. And when they can no longer be redirected, calmly pick them up, walk outside, and determine whether they just need a break or if the party’s over and they need to go home.

Do not sit at the table and berate them because you are having a power struggle in public and you have a complex looming over you from your own childhood.

100% of the time, you are the asshole. Not them.

Behind me right this second are a mom and dad barking “if you’re not going to listen we’re going home”, “you’re getting people wet stop splashing” over and over and over again at increasing volume levels at their mayyybe four and six year old (?) for splashing in a hot tub.

We’re at a hotel sir and ma’am, I know you’re not going to yank them out and force them to go home and they know that too. That’s why they’re not stopping. How about take them to the big pool 12 steps away and splash around with them alongside the fifty other kids and parents in the pool. And please stop yelling, can’t you see I’m tipsy typing right now.

My criticism is not of kids having hard moments in public. Every kid has hard moments in public. My kid has hard moments in public. I have had to be the person who picks up their child mid-meltdown and walk calmly to the parking lot while he is thrashing around with my internal monologue saying something to the effect of “will I ever eat a full meal in a restaurant again?”

This is one of the most normal parts of parenting. Being the calm one during your child’s age-appropriate storm and removing them from a situation that is too much for them to handle.

What is not normal, and what makes my soul want to leave my body, is the parent who responds to their child’s behavior with a performance of their own.

Also...

If you are in a space designed for children, let them be children. They are allowed to be loud, excited, running, playing, exploring and testing the limits of what is socially appropriate at places like the zoo or the children’s museum. It is their territory. You brought them to a place built specifically for the purpose of them being exactly who they are. Stop over-correcting every single behavior because you are afraid other adults are watching and judging your parenting. I promise you your attempt at loudly correcting them is significantly more annoying than their behavior will ever be. You’re killing the vibe.

Children belong in the world, “adult spaces” included. And in those adult spaces, the adults in charge of them are responsible for reading the room. It’s really not that complicated. It just requires being more attuned to your child than to the lady two tables over rolling her eyes at you, which is (I think) the whole job…?!

Roast me in the comments.

Eww. Parents.

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