Help, Hear, or Hug? Dealing with Emotionally Distraught People

Imagine that you are a grade-school teacher and that an emotionally distraught seven-year-old has approached you. They clearly seek your help, but how can you best help them? Some teachers have adopted a strikingly direct strategy for dealing with such encounters: They ask the student whether they need to be helped, heard, or hugged, and respond accordingly.

• If the student is frustrated by their inability to accomplish some task, they might want to be helped. The teacher can not only provide them with that help but reassure them that they are capable of accomplishing the task in question.

• If the student feels that they have been treated unfairly or have been disrespected, they might want to be heard. They might, in particular, want the teacher to punish the offending parties or prevent recurrence of such events. By simply listening with compassion, however, the teacher can go a long way toward comforting the student.

• If the student has been dealt an emotional blow—suppose, for example, that their pet has died—a hug might be exactly what they need.

I will refer to this as the Three-Hs strategy for dealing with a distraught person. You determine whether their needs are best met by helping, by hearing, or by hugging them, and act accordingly. This strategy can be used not only by grade-school teachers, but by the parents of grade-school students.

Significantly, it can also be used on adults, including your friends, your coworkers, and your partner or spouse—but it must be used with care. To begin with, you can’t simply ask whether a distraught adult wants to be helped, heard, or hugged; indeed, they might be offended that you are treating them like a child—even though, by letting their emotions hijack their mind, they have reverted to a childlike state. Taking into account what you know of the person’s personality and circumstances, you must quickly decide how best to meet their needs.

Suppose, then, that a coworker comes into your office and starts carrying on about their computer: “The damn thing refuses to communicate with the printer!” Under these circumstances, it would be inappropriate to offer him a hug. It would also be a waste of time to let him spend ten minutes venting about the stupidity of computers in general. What the person needs is technical help, and if you are tech-savvy, you will offer to take a look at the offending devices. You can also take advantage of this teachable moment: “This is why it is important to routinely update your drivers.”

Now suppose that a friend comes up to you with a distraught look on her face. Her boyfriend, she has discovered, has been two-timing her. Under these circumstances, the jilted friend probably isn’t looking for a hug. What she wants to do is vent, to go on at length about what a conniving, spineless, and rotten person he is. As a loyal friend, your job is to let her vent, maybe nodding your head as she does. You might also throw in an occasional word of support: “You deserve better!”

If a friend, instead of having been jilted, has been fired, a similar response might be appropriate. Once they are done venting, however, you might want to offer some practical information. You might, for example, offer to put them in touch with a skilled recruiter you know.

Finally, suppose that a friend has been dealt a serious emotional shock. Perhaps a family member has died. Under these circumstances, it is appropriate to offer to help them and to listen with sympathy as they express their grief, but the most effective initial response is probably a hug.

Many Feelers—people who habitually feel rather than think their way to conclusions—will instinctively respond to emotion in others by displaying emotion themselves. In contrast, when Thinkers encounter emotionally distraught individuals, they will respond in—what else?—a thoughtful manner. They will assess the situation and will determine how best to help the other person. They know that in some cases, a hug is the best way to deal with an emotional crisis, and will not only offer a hug but might enjoy participating in it. They also know that it is pointless to hug someone who wants to be helped. Likewise, tell someone who wants to vent that they are overreacting, and they will likely aggravate the situation.

Because the world isn’t perfect, we will sometimes have difficult days, and because we humans come wired with an emotional side, we might respond to them by getting angry, upset, or even emotionally distraught. We need to keep this in mind in our dealings with others—and hope they keep it in mind in their dealings with us.

The next time you encounter a distressed individual, give the Three-Hs strategy a try. It is easy to remember, easy to use, and in my experience, a remarkably effective way to strengthen relationships as well as to help those I care about.

Need more food for thought? Click here for my past essays, listed by title. Want to listen to rather than read my essays? Click here for narrations of my essays on becoming a Thinker, and click here for narrations of my essays on “applied thinking.” Narrations of my essays on becoming a Thinker are also available on your favorite podcast app. To play them, open that app and search for “Thinking More and Better,” and add episodes to your playlist.