Everything I Was Carrying When I Lost My Mind

For nearly seventeen years, I smoked weed on and off.

I’ll never forget the first time I tried marijuana. I was around the age of 15, having a sleepover with my two best friends from high school. We waited until her parents went to bed, cracked open the bedroom window, turned on the bathroom fan, and secretly smoked some of her dad’s stash. It’s actually a funny story: that first time I got high, I thought I’d gone deaf in one ear. Literally, for some reason, I could not hear out of it.

That night was filled with giggles and memories I can still smile about. But looking back, it was also the start of what quickly became an unhealthy coping mechanism, one I couldn’t shake no matter how hard I tried, until this year.

That was just over seven months ago, when I finally kicked the habit for good. I challenged myself to go 365 days weed-free. I didn’t promise myself I’d never smoke again in my entire life, although the longer I’m on this path, the more I want total sobriety, especially considering I’ll be four years sober from alcohol this September.

Now that I’m 100% sober from everything, and accomplishing goals I never would’ve dreamed of before, it genuinely feels like this was the missing piece, the thing that had been holding me back from the life I always knew I was capable of living.

I do want to clarify something: I never did my spiritual work high. I never once gave a reading, conducted an oracle session, taught a workshop, or hosted an event or retreat under the influence of cannabis or psychedelics.

But outside of my work? That was a different story. Several years ago, I experimented with mushrooms. And on days without commitments, there were plenty of mornings I was waking and baking first thing. Toward the end of last year, it had gotten to the point where I was smoking marijuana most of the day on days I didn’t have my son.

It’s honestly kind of crazy to me how candidly I can talk about this now. Earlier this year, I even documented an entire Reels series about my weed detox on my @monica.imani Instagram, but for most of my career, this was one of those rooms I kept locked.

I carried a lot of shame around being a pothead and having experimented with mushrooms, scared that if people knew, they wouldn’t trust me as a medium or that it would discredit my gifts. Even though I never smoked or was high while channeling Spirit, I was still afraid of how people would judge me if they knew what was happening behind the scenes.

I’ve come a long way since then. These days I’m stepping fully into sharing the raw, vulnerable, messy parts of life, not just the polished ones. It probably helps that I’m on the other side of it now. If I were still in it, all of this would be a much harder thing to say out loud.

People try to say marijuana isn’t addictive. I absolutely call bullshit on that. Every stoner I’ve ever met is having a harder time detaching than they’d admit. And yeah, I was what you’d call a functioning stoner. I still had a very successful career (until I lost my mind, lol) despite the smoking.

I’m sure some of you are wondering if my psychotic break had something to do with being a chronic smoker.

The answer is yes. I do believe marijuana was one of the many reasons behind it. But I don’t believe it was the reason.

More and more research is showing a link between marijuana and psychosis, and I think it’s a conversation we need to have as a society. But over the past three years, healing has taught me that my story isn’t as simple as pointing to one thing and saying, that’s what caused it.

For a long time, I wanted one answer. One thing I could blame. One thing I could point to and say, if only this hadn’t happened. But the more distance I’ve gotten from that season of my life, the more I’ve come to believe my psychosis wasn’t the result of one event.

It was a perfect storm.

I don’t believe marijuana caused my psychosis. I believe it significantly lowered the threshold for a storm that was already building: trauma, isolation, infidelity, betrayal, shame, heartbreak, financial pressure, the weight of who the world expected me to be, the cumulative effects of years of alcohol and cannabis use, and an identity unraveling from every direction at once.

I’ll probably never know exactly which pieces mattered most. Maybe that’s because healing isn’t about finding one villain. It’s about honestly looking at every piece of the puzzle.

The Perfect Storm

Looking back, I think the storm started building much earlier than I initially realized.

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Thank you again for allowing me to open my heart so deeply here. Your willingness to hold space for the rawest parts of my story means more than I can express.

And I promise every essay won’t be as heavy and intense as the last couple have been, lol. There will be lighter chapters, too.

Now for a few updates:

First, I know that over the past couple of weeks, I’ve sometimes shared two essays in one week. These first few weeks have involved a little experimenting as I figured out what publishing rhythm feels best.

Going forward, I’m going to do my best to stick to a regular once-a-week publishing schedule on Sundays, with the occasional bonus essay on Thursdays if or when inspiration strikes and I genuinely don’t want to wait.

That feels like the most sustainable rhythm for me, especially as I begin working on my upcoming podcast, Psychic or Psychosis? (Jesus Take the Wheel). I want to continue writing here for a long time, and part of doing that means creating a schedule I can realistically sustain.

Second, I’m so excited to officially invite all active paid subscribers to an exclusive Virtual Sound Healing and Guided Meditation on Sunday, September 13, at 11:00 a.m. PT / 2:00 p.m. ET.

This event falls on the three-year anniversary of my NDE, when I came face-to-face with God and Jesus (a story I’ll share in a future essay). That makes the timing especially meaningful to me.

I’m offering this as a special one-time gathering to thank you for being here with me from the very beginning.

While I can’t promise that live events like this will become a regular part of the paid subscription, I would love to offer the occasional bonus gathering here and there as this community continues to grow. These events won’t follow a set schedule, but when I feel inspired and have the capacity to create something meaningful for you, I’ll be excited to share it.

All active paid subscribers will receive the private Zoom link via email approximately 48 to 72 hours before the event. There won’t be a replay available, so if you would like to join us, please be sure to mark your calendar. I’m really looking forward to sharing this experience with you.

Thank you for being here while I experiment, learn, and find my rhythm. I’m so grateful to have you along for this next chapter. If these essays have resonated with you, please consider sharing my Substack with someone who may also benefit from reading them.

And if you’d like to connect with me beyond Substack or explore working together 1:1, you can find all of my current offerings at www.monicaimani.com