When Lucky messaged me, I immediately recognized their name from the chat — they are a group chat royalty, always bringing up the kind of real and vulnerable issues that receive a ton of responses. I was thrilled that they were up for being our next Beguiler and used it as an excuse to talk to them on the phone (ostensibly to help me write this intro.) I’ve decided to paste some of our conversation here, interspersed with their questionnaire (that’s allowed because this dating service is just one woman who makes up the rules as she goes!)
We talked on a Wednesday afternoon. Lucky is from London, so please apply the accent with your mind. They have a sexy, raspy voice and the most adorable laugh.
Miranda
I imagine it’s quite vulnerable, doing this. You’re up for it though?
Lucky
I am. I’m definitely not ready for a relationship with one person, like a one-on-one relationship, that feels too vulnerable, but this feels exciting and fun…it lights me up in a different way. So, it’s making me brave.
Miranda
Beguiled or the couple?
Lucky
The couple.
What kind of relationship are you looking for?
I’m looking for a relationship with a queer couple. I can imagine nothing more affirming, nurturing and fun than being invited into a couple’s dynamic and all three of us following our instincts together. I’m yearning for the romantic companionship of a queer couple who are clear communicators, emotionally literate, and value honesty and transparency, as well as laughter and joy. They both need to be on the same page about bringing a third into their lives. I’m not looking for drama! Ideally this wouldn’t be the first time they’ve engaged with a third, but that’s also not a dealbreaker. I would like to see them once a week with some flirty messages in between our dates.
Miranda
Yeah. I’m on my own, like, very specific romantic journey. I’m realizing that if I set up a relationship in way that is very particular to me then I feel safe and then I can…open my heart. [MJ goes on and on about her heart.] Have you been a 3rd before?
Lucky
No, I haven’t dated a couple before.
Miranda
Right.
Lucky
I think that when my relationship ended, I was, for a while just feeling disheartened by relationships in general, but when I was able to spend time with friends who are coupled, it really brought me a lot of joy and then I met a couple who just kind of lit up my brain with all the possibilities. It wasn’t like a romantic; there wasn’t any, well…who knows? Nothing has happened…
Miranda
Yet.
[laughter]
Lucky
But it just kind of planted the seed in my mind that that’s something that I would want and enjoy.
Miranda
Yeah, that’s interesting. I mean, the truth is being the 3rd or, you know, the mistress –I know that’s not the language we’re using [laughter] but like, you are the special one. You know, you’re the new thing. You don’t have the responsibility of like, you know, okay, I’ll go visit your parents with you.
Lucky
Right? Exactly. You know, if you’re spending time together, it’s because you want to spend time together. I think the previous relationships, for me, have gotten overwhelmingly about the practicalities of life and less about that specialness and so, I’m needing something that is wholly focused on the specialness and the rapport.
Miranda
Perhaps we are both feeling like we’re self-sustaining, like we’re taking care of ourselves.
Lucky
I wasn’t sure that I could. Like if you asked me when my world blew up, if I would be able to live alone and take care of myself, I wouldn’t have known. But I'm doing it and it’s working and it feels good to not need someone else to provide that day-to-day stability. I'm self-sufficient. And obviously there’s still comfort and touch and, you know, all the other things that you do need from another person.
Miranda
Right. I don’t see myself as a sad figure anymore, not at all. I mean post-break up.
Lucky
Yes. I had a moment where I was washing my hands and I looked up and caught my eye in the mirror and smiled. It was the very first time in my life that’s happened and it was just a couple of months ago. And it was such a big moment to be like, I’m good. I’m gonna be fine.
Miranda
Oh, God. That’s so sweet.
Share a photo of a tree you love, or a sign of Spring that has stopped you in your tracks recently [Editor’s note: Lucky added this question. “I care more about that than the inside of my refrigerator”.]
Describe the gender(s) of the type of people you usually are attracted to, include details about types if possible.
Butch lesbians, dykes, studs, trans masc and non-binary folks.
How would you describe your gender?
I identify as nonbinary and use they/them pronouns. Today I feel more connected to my body than I ever have and I’m finally at peace with my gender presentation. I’ve wasted too many years feeling caged in by gender, or trying to escape it. I’m not a woman and I don’t want to be a man. Divesting from masculinity and femininity has given me a deep sense of freedom.
Where do you live? Do you need the person to live there or could this be long distance?
I live in Seattle. I’d prefer to find folks in the PNW, or at least those who come here often.
Lucky
My previous relationship, before that 8-year one, was one of pretty serious responsibility. My ex-wife and I were caregivers for her mum, who has MS. So when I came out of that relationship, I think I was needing exactly the opposite. And so I met this person who was like, let me show you the world and it’s not going to cost anything and you’ll be able to pay off all your debts because your paycheque will go directly into your bank account and we won’t be paying rent and…and it worked. It was incredible. We lived a life far beyond our means, because there were no bills to pay. We didn’t have a permanent address. We were just always on the go, living out of a suitcase, but–
Miranda
But now –
Lucky
It’s impossible to really believe that that was my life, but I’ve done it and now I just want to stay still and have a routine; have friends that I cook dinner with; explore myself through sex; be good at my job. I don’t need to travel, or do anything else spectacular right now.
Miranda
Right. Okay, so that was the relationship after the one that involved a lot of caregiving…two extremes. You’re sort of hardcore? Okay, so then that ended and you ended up in Seattle?
[dramatic story about how they ended up in Seattle; you and your partner can ask them about that.]
Text this to an ex-partner: “I’m filling out a sort of dating profile/questionnaire for a Miranda July thing and I’m supposed to ask an ex to describe me. Do you mind? It only has to be a couple sentences.” And then upload what they say as a screenshot.
Why are you single?
After 30 years of serial monogamy, I no longer believe in the constraints of a monogamous relationship and I don’t want to go there again. I've been enjoying learning about relationship anarchy, which is a non-hierarchical relationship philosophy that treats all connections - romantic, sexual or platonic - equally without primary partners or predetermined structures.
I recently started going on dates, and I have a lover who I’ve been seeing once or twice a week for a couple of months. I’ve noticed how our intimate relationships can deepen when we explore our dynamics with different people and notice which parts of ourselves are activated in those connections.
The non-escalator relationship menu has been a helpful tool to articulate what I want, by identifying what I don’t want. I live alone and intend to keep it that way.
Miranda
I think when I live with a partner (or maybe even just have a partner?!) I internally abdicate a certain amount of responsibility for myself which results in a lot of confusion, like I often couldn’t figure out what was wrong and now in retrospect, I see that I wasn’t really wholeheartedly taking care of myself. I enjoyed the feeling of leaving at least a little bit in their hands, and then that little bit ended up coloring my vision completely.
Lucky
Yeah. It’s so wild how the revelations have come so hard and fast in the 6 months since my separation. After a lifetime of being alienated from myself, now with all this time in my own company, being able to hear my own thoughts, the rate of self-awareness and growth has been astonishing. Especially around pleasure and sex.
Miranda
Yeah. Me too. [Miranda says way too much about her sex life.]
Lucky
I think that something I didn’t really express in the questionnaire is that because for so long I was uncomfortable in my skin and disconnected from my body, I really wasn’t experiencing pleasure. For the first time I’m actually understanding the reverence that I have for sex and the importance of desire in learning about yourself. It feels like a massive oversight that I’ve spent so much of my life, really most of my life, not tapped into this infinite pool of pleasure that now I’m suddenly aware of.
What is the role of friends in your life? How often do you see them?
My friends are equally as important as my lovers. I make time to see friends 2 or 3 times a week at least. I work remotely, and I make it a priority to get out of the house once I wrap my meetings in the early afternoon. I like to be outside and make the most of the daylight and I usually have something fun planned most days, either with friends or solo.
When you and a friend hang out, what do you tend to do?
I love to make dinner together. I find it hard to get motivated to make nutritious meals by myself, and there is something so sweet and bonding about cooking food together. We all have to eat, so why do it alone? Since moving here in the fall, I’ve gone with friends to Dance Church, Crowdsource Choir, yoga class, breathwork & sound bowl sessions, comedy, trivia, and concerts. I’m excited to get out onto the water soon.
Who/what else do you consider to be part of your community?
I’m queer, non-binary, bi-racial and neurodiverse, and I love meeting others who embody some (or all!) of these intersecting identities.
In these dark days these are some of the people whose work keeps me lifted up: adrienne maree brown, Prentis Hemphill, Alok Vaid Menon, Robin Wall Kimmerer, Norma Wong and Dean Spade, as well as the brilliant Black, Brown & Indigenous storytellers I’m surrounded by in my job.
Finally, a major focus this past year has been about making time for grief. I’m grateful that there is a robust network of grief workers here in the PNW who provide an invaluable support system. It’s critical that anyone I’m in relationship with is willing to engage on the topic of loss; it doesn’t do us any good to look away.
What’s an ideal Saturday for you when you’re with a partner?
Morning sex, making breakfast together and then going outside to do an activity in the sunshine (eg. hiking, paddleboarding, picnic). Lots of laughter, deep presence & spontaneity. No rushing, no commitments. Reveling in our sexual energy and physical affection throughout the day.
Give 1-3 examples of what has turned you on recently (scene from a movie/book, something you/a lover did, a thought.)
Music videos: kwn & Kehlani “Worst Behavior” & Khalid “Out Of Body”
Sex-wise, do you have any specific boundaries or preferences you feel would be good to state up front? (Ex: Stone top, strap only / No penetrative sex.)
I’m a true Switch, and enjoy both roles equally.
Any kinks you care to mention at this juncture?
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