File 32: The Complex Mother

Mothers are under enormous pressure to be Good Mothers. To be embodiments of virtue. To not transgress. To not disappoint. Never to be unethical.

But I have been thinking about another figure: the Complex Mother.

The Complex Mother is imperfect, flawed, searching. She is sometimes aware of making the wrong choice – and makes it anyway.

I’m not referring to mothers who maltreat their children physically or psychologically. Such mothers are the consequence and cause of tremendous suffering. The Complex Mother is not emotionally cold or abusive.

The defining characteristic of the Complex Mother is self-possession. She lives fully. In doing so, she teaches one of the first lessons of a fulfilling life: do not reduce yourself for anyone, not even your own brood.

Love – whether platonic, erotic, or in this instance maternal – always contains a modicum of separation. The Complex Mother’s love of herself both includes and transcends her maternal role. In fact, the Complex Mother refuses to become a role. Many of us have known one, we simply haven't had a name for her.