#4 Brain blinking

It was 7.50 in the morning, my neck hurt like hell, I had slept poorly and felt stressed.

I was helping the kids to get ready for school. Between the clearing the of breakfast table and the brushing of teeth, my daughter expressed herself in a not so nice way to her brother. Then to me.

When confronted about it, she stated that it was because she was stressed and didn’t want to be late for school.

I kept pushing.

“I can’t talk about this now, I need to go to school.” she said.

I didn’t stop.

Why?

My cognitive vision was impaired by the negative thoughts in my head. My judgment clouded by self pity.

It got worse from here on.

Our mental toolbox is where we store the mental tools we have acquired over the years. Tools that help us deal with the challenges we face on a daily basis.

My daughter is 11. Her mental toolbox is of course far from complete. In her state of stress, she used the tool she had access to. She let out steam.

Letting out steam can be a very useful tool. Today however, the steam she let out blinded my already impaired cognitive vision.

I was unable to see the bigger picture, unable to see the situation from her perspective. Unable to see her. Unable to see.

Blinded as I was, my hand desperately reached into my own toolbox. It fumbled around and ended up in a top compartment, one that’s been with me since my own childhood.

My hand grabbed the tool of anger, but when recognizing the shape, it wisely let go.

Instead, it took the tool right next to it. The tool of externalisation.

Externalisation is one of the very first tools I ever acquired. It is not without merit but it is the opposite of a Swiss army knife. It’s meant to be used selectively on very specific occasions. This was not one of them.

None the less, once in my hand, I started using it.

I put the blame outside of myself. On my daughter. On my wife. On my life.

Five minutes later, the kids had gone and I was all alone. Feeling like shit, I decided to go for a walk in the woods.

While walking, I listened to Bruce Lee, telling me to be water. I listened to the rippling sound of actual water from a nearby creek.

Soon, the sound of water was drowned by the sound of my feelings. Verbalising inside my head.

After a while, I realised that the feeling of disappointment I felt was real. It was just directionally miss-guided. In reality, I was disappointed in myself.

My disappointment quickly turned to shame. I was ashamed of my behaviour. Of myself.

Just before she left for school, I told my daughter that I was disappointed in her.

Unacceptable parenting.

I’m not writing this down to create another tool for my toolbox. All the tools in the world can’t help me if I’m too blind to see them.

No, this mental model is not a tool. It’s more like a reflex. Designed as an attempt to shield my brain from blindness.

It’s not possible to find the right tool when experiencing brain blindness. Not before clearing the sight.

Blinking is a physiological reflex, designed to clear the eyes.

Brain blinking is a mental reflex, designed to clear the brain.

I know what brain blindness feels like. I’ve experienced it many times. It’s almost a metaphysical experience, like observing myself from a distance. For a couple of seconds, I’m fully aware that I’m about to lose control. Then boom, it happens!

My brain goes blind.

My usually well organized mental toolbox is suddenly a mess. Bad things follow.

From now on, for those two seconds right before Brain blindness kicks in, I will close my physical eyes. I will take one deep breath and silently verbalise the words Brain blinking.

I will tell my brain to blink in an attempt to restore my cognitive vision.

Will it help?

I don’t know yet.

As my daughter came back from school, I feared that she suffered deeply from my unacceptable parenting. What if I had hurt her self esteem? Her feeling of self worth?

With fear bubbling in my throat, I approached her to apologise. I told her how sorry I was, that I didn’t mean what I said and that my behaviour was unacceptable.

Her reaction?

Thankfully, she is her father’s daughter.

She too has the tool of externalisation in her toolbox and she knows how to use it. Today was one of those rare occasions where it perfectly matched the challenge she was confronted with.

It’s comforting to know that kids don’t necessarily break from an occasional act of unacceptable parenting. 😅