One of my goals this year is to become more confident: as in feel more assured to voice my opinions, try new skills and activities without the fear of getting things wrong. Personally, putting myself on the line to face rejection, evaluation, and judgment is unfathomably difficult and one of the hardest things in my life.
At school in Vietnam, I was uninclined to share my opinion. If I ended up raising my hand, my heart started racing. My body developed a physical reaction to the anticipation of being called. All my life, I have tried hard not to cry in public. I used to be terrified of speaking English when I was learning it as a Vietnamese native speaker. I fretted showing up to school with a new haircut or new shoes for fear of being asked about them.
What do all of these have in common, you ask? My lack of confidence. I didn’t want people to pay attention to me in any capacity. I wanted to exist in silence or the periphery. Then, the dislike for attention encroached on stunting my development and self-expression.
In middle school, I couldn’t public speak without worrying weeks beforehand. I couldn’t argue for what I wanted without a strong emotional reaction. My emotional friends will know what I am talking about: whenever I argued with my parents, I cried every time. I had a hard time speaking up for myself - my skills, abilities, thoughts. My shyness was crippling throughout the age of 5 - 13 and continued throughout high school with moderate improvement.
The world of books, online archives, and eventually the blogging world, where people comfortably show their failures/successes/thoughts, opened my eyes to what is possible. Learning through emulation and observation of people accomplishing things were beneficial. Time, exposure, growing older with more lived experience, etc. was also a key component in blunting many fears.
Until this day, I am a work in progress with my confidence. I have improved vastly compared to ten years ago but I still feel afraid of making mistakes in front of others.
A shining example is my French learning journey, which I have been on for ten months. There is a lot of knowledge that I don’t know in French: conjugation, vocabulary, and grammar. During class, if I can do research beforehand, I feel comfortable sharing, but being put on the spot is unpleasant. My mind stopped working. I got nervous coming up with the correct expression. One thing my teacher does well is encouraging her students to keep speaking even if our sentences are not entirely accurate. I found this approach conducive to building confidence, having the assurance that I can make mistakes without repercussions. After all, learning a language is a low-stakes activity, and speaking something wrong as a foreigner is easily forgiven by native speakers. In addition, I went through a similar journey years ago when I learned English as a second language.
I talked a lot in the past about gaining confidence through keeping promises to yourself and achieving new milestones. What I am still working on is how to gain confidence in skills you are not yet good at. I recently listened to a Jay Shetty podcast on anxiety where they talk about how one gains confidence AFTER they do something, not before they ever try it. Jay shared that he gained confidence after giving his speech, not before it. This instantly reminded me of the many times I felt more comfortable after (usually slightly unwillingly) doing something that I was unsure about like meeting new people, going to an event, winning air hockey matches, swinging across trees in a rope course in Da Lat.
As someone who chronically deals with lack of confidence and anxiety, there are a few things I have found to help. One, calling on your fears and facing them head-on, is an effective first step in conquering them. Writing about my introversion publicly three years ago was one of the best things I did to face my social anxiety and “shameful” past, where I felt closeted with my anxious feelings. It is liberating when you can “claim” a fear rather than run away from it.
Second, exposure therapy. Knowing you have an irrational fear and willing to gradually expose yourself to a small dose of it will teach your amygdala (part of your brain in charge of fear and anxiety) that there is little to be afraid of. We have a four-month-old puppy that we have been working on leash training on. He used to detest having a leash on, reacting with full blown crying and stopping mid-walk. Yes, he is a diva. Over time and with practice, we saw him become more comfortable with activities that he used to dislike. It is silly but also acts as a powerful reminder for how we can unlearn our discomfort.
Lastly and most recent discovery that helps my mindset is the belief that we are meant to grow into the people we are meant to be. Whatever you love doing will seep out. The essence of you stays constant and people who love you will love you for the whole of it. As long as you approach life with curiosity and openness, it will turn out okay. We can brute force as much as we want but things will only last so far as it is fitting to you. I would highly recommend reading this piece on Maybe Baby.
I’d love to know if you have an irrational fear that is holding you back or something you want to change. If you have tips on overcoming them, please share by leaving a comment down below :)
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