I Have Solved Texting

Two-thirds of people hate when this happens at their house, while 20% say it’s fun.

I’ll have your answer coming up.

Few things are as awkward as ending a text thread with someone who doesn’t know how to just . . . stop.

You might recognize the situation. You’ve said all that needs to be said, you’ve wished them a good afternoon/evening/night, and maybe even said “Bye!”

But they come back with a reply that requires you respond again. If you don’t, you run the risk of looking like a jerk.

All you wanted to do was end the damned thing and let everyone get on with their life.

Nope. They’ve got to throw in something that doesn’t even belong in the thread. Maybe something like, “Okay, you too! And look for me on TV at the Broncos game—I won tickets at work! In the suite, even!”

See what I mean? You’ve got to reply with something, even just a simple: “Cool! Have fun!”

And that should end it.

Nope. They’ll write back with: “I will! Have you been this year?”

AARRGGH! The original text thread, which now has at least ten messages per person, was about a television show recommendation. JUST END IT ALREADY!

A few years ago on the morning radio show, I came up with a solution. It would have to be universally adopted and strictly adhered to. When you reach a certain point, you end your message with NNTR.

We would all know that means: No Need To Respond.

You’re off the hook. No more pleasantries, no more well wishes, and certainly no more questions that go off on a tangent. No Need To Respond.

I think if the word got out about my proposal, the world would be split into two groups. Group One would enthusiastically support it. Group Two would call Group One monsters.

Then call me Godzilla. After a dozen messages—and after we’ve thoroughly hashed out the original issue—the texts should just end.

The only caveat would be if you’re both sending hilarious lines back and forth. That can go on all f-ing day, as far as I’m concerned.

But remember Group Two? I suspect those are also the people who don’t have the same sense of humor you and I have.

I see you nodding.

Look, some people don’t know how to end a phone call. Some don’t know the proper time to leave a party.

And some have no clue how to end a text thread.

I do.

NNTR

Two-thirds hate it, 20% think it’s fun . . .

When the doorbell rings

We already know your dog hates it.

What the hell are you doing ringing our doorbell like that in the middle of the night?