Love sells. So, it’s no wonder that we’re peddled a lot of fantastic ideas about coupling. These fairy tale fantasies all too often end up being confusing at best and heartbreaking and even fatal in the extremes.
Still, there is something beautiful about marriage and all other forms of enduring coupling. We’re not meant to go through life alone. Having someone to share it with is not only nice, but essential to our nervous systems.
It need not be just one person, and it need not be romantic, but it does need to be daily and deep. We evolved to live in intimate, interdependent groups where we knew everyone our entire lives. For better, or probably for worse, pair-bonding has attempted to replace this.
Chris Ryan argues in his brilliant book Sex At Dawn that the intimacy of our prehistoric ancestors was probably cemented by polyamory. It sounds credible and likely to me. Uncertain paternity and bonobo-like bonds made for a very connected, very cooperative world, which is where our evolutionary superpowers live.
While I personally find polyamory a tough sell for most of us in today’s culture, I do recognize the beauty at the essence of the idea. If we are able to pull off something similar as a couple, or a friend-group, or even with one platonic friend, it touches that very same naturally selected beauty.
I realize that a lot of people are not coupled, and a lot of us, like me, have struggled to make intimate, dear friends. So, I don’t say this flippantly. I don’t want to make anyone feel bad. But I do feel that it’s still worth saying.
The cost of intimacy is the difficulty of the dance. And it’s admittedly tricky, especially with a lot of preposterous, fantasical ideas planted in our young minds. Emotional injuries sustained while growing up often interfere with our ability to connect as adults. And, if you are like me, that means personal work, with help, needs to be part of the dance training.
Lasting love is never about perfect harmony. It’s about allowing the dissonance, and crafting it into polyphonies. And that’s always about an unwavering commitment to the bond, and an understanding of the essential challenges inherent in the terms of endearment.
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