I'm exposing the worst parts of myself to the world

I’ve been anonymous for most of my life, aside from occasional flickers from my time as a child blogger or being linked to my family, who are in the public eye. I was happy being unknown, but recently, on a whim, I began posting videos of myself, with my face and my voice, on TikTok. This was never part of my plan, but here I am. It’s horrifying! This is the story of how I got here.

It started when I was 19. It was a horrible night; I was in the middle of a mental breakdown. I’d been crying for hours, and a lightbulb went off in my head. I have to be a writer. I immediately stopped crying.

This was a bit contradictory, given that I was halfway through undergrad, majoring in political science. Circumstances left me dropping out anyway, and my poli sci degree faded away.

At first, my love for television felt a strong indicator I should write television. It was the format I was most familiar with. I was and still am deeply inspired by Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Lena Dunham, and consider Shonda Rhimes a sort of deity or Mother Mary figure. I spent my days in the most unimaginable places, college dropout, head down, taking Shonda Rhimes’ screenwriting masterclass over and over, committing the ticking time bomb to memory.

COVID-19 hit, and because I had nothing to do and was a fresh college dropout, I developed a demure TikTok addiction. This was my introduction to ‘booktok’. I’ve always been a big reader, especially of fantasy, speculative fiction, and science fiction, and being there was nothing to do, I read the books everyone was talking about. I binged ACOTAR.

My binging of Sarah J. Maas’ books wasn’t in the way I binged Fleabag, because the latter was about craft and deep recognition. With Fleabag, I was experiencing a level of pen unseen since Dunham— no, I was reading Throne of Glass and A Court of Thrones and Roses because I was hungry and could only afford to Postmate Taco Bell. And Taco Bell tastes extremely good.

I’d already written a couple scripts at this point, and had this idea that I’d instantly sell one of them to HBO once I’d spoken aloud that it exists, and would be lamented as a TV icon forever. But after the Sarah J. Maas event, there was a feeling that I could do something better than this, a novel as bingeable but more substantial. So my first book idea came quickly. It was basically a retelling of Rapunzel, but with fae, and if the fae were like, doing a Real Housewives Of-type show and the ‘Rapunzel’ character wasn’t in on it, so it was like a Truman Show situation. Keep in mind I was still a teenager, and this obviously a very teenager concept. I wrote the book in a month. The genre was a strange combination of things I love: magical realism or urban fantasy, cultural / celebrity commentary, and satire. I’ve yet to find something in this space. I call it Vanity Fantasy. The closest thing might be Patricia Wants To Cuddle by Samantha Allen.

Six months later, I moved back to my birthplace, Los Angeles, with a script and a book and serious delusion about what my life was going to be. I’d assumed since I’d done the work (I’d written stuff), I had connections (industry family), that I’d be like bada bing bada boom BOOK DEAL, TV DEAL, VERIFIED IG BLUE TICK. I was the scumbag nepo baby who didn’t have to work (yet) and mindlessly listed off my ambitions, waiting for the genie to snap his fingers and make it all true.

The genie didn’t snap his fingers, and I became a barista. I learned soon after moving to LA that my family wasn’t down to fund my delusional lifestyle, and I had to learn responsibility. In the moment, it was devastating, but now I realize it was very much needed to break free from the distorted reality I was living in. So I hunkered down in Brentwood and worked as a barista 5x a week, doing script coverage work on the side. Throughout it all, I was writing, but I was grappling with what form of writing I’d want to pursue, which put me in a gridlock— I had 2 pilots, a book, a screenplay, some songs, and a folder filled with essays on my computer. It wasn’t lost on me that my most passionate moments, the moments where I completely laughed or cried while writing, were while writing novels.

Then, there was Victoria, my best friend from college, whom I began writing scripts with once I returned to LA. In college, we had incredible chemistry as friends, creating inside joke upon inside joke, and unseriously spoke about writing together since we bounced ideas off each other so effortlessly—she’s always been someone I feel I can say anything to. We both had the dream to make it in LA and be writers. One day we decided to stop joking about it and actually collab on a script. It went great, and we’ve been creative partners since. We have had a lot of ideas, and some of them have been completed— Fairywood being the most significant, which is another story in the Vanity Fantasy genre. So, I had a pact with my bestie that we would one day be these uber-successful Hollywood writers/producers/whatever, and I don’t think a single day has gone by in the past 5 years where we haven’t been in semi-constant contact.

On my own, my books were still stirring and calling my name. I pitched to this startup in the romance publishing world, which was never my forte; I was more on the gritty satire of my life vibe, or into the meta vanity fantasy like my fae Truman Show book or Fairywood. My stuff was way too weird, but I came up with a handful of normal ideas and pitched them to the founders of this company over Zoom. Well, my normal ideas were still too weird and meta, and they told me they weren’t into it. They were more into grounded, tropey, aspirational romance. Then, off the rip I was like, well, we could do like an enemies-to-lovers thing (tropey!) where the girl is a witch, and the guy is a Christian? They didn’t like it either. But I did.

For days after that failed Zoom pitch, I couldn’t get the taste of that concept out of my mouth. A witch seducing a Christian man, and them actually falling in love. Not a grounded pagan kind of witch you’d see at a crystal store, a witch who does spells and can teleport, a serious fantasy-coded witch. But how would they fall in love? What would draw them together? While I was trying to work through scripts to add to my portfolio or writing Fairywood with Victoria, this idea stuck to me like a tick; I couldn’t stop thinking about it. So I finally decided to give it legs, and I very quickly wrote it. It was the first time I’d ‘pantsed’ a project, meaning there is little to no outline, and you just have a vague idea of what’s going to happen, allowing the story to write itself. I’ve never felt more connected to myself, my creativity, or a character I’d created than during this time. While working at the coffee shop, I’d take my computer to the corner during my 10-minute breaks and write furiously, this story a constant thrumming in my mind. I didn’t see anyone or spend time with anyone. My older sister visited during this time from London- I’d stay up late until 3 or 4 am writing after getting dinner with her, because it wouldn’t stop flowing out of me.

I felt Lilias was truly my future; I would write her books into a series, and I loved every second of writing it. I haven’t felt as compelled towards a project since, and though I wrote the first draft 3 years ago, I still think about her every day. I’ve gone through cycles of writing, querying, and rewriting, and requerying. Nothing has happened yet, of course, since I’ve been doing it all on my own, not asking anyone in my family to help, and hadn’t figured out what genre it was yet. I wrote Lilias as a beauty mogul and her love interest as a Christian pop star, and the book is a satire on the cult of celebrity and parasocial relationships, so it couldn’t be a strict ‘fantasy’ like I thought it would be simply because she’s a witch. It wasn’t until earlier this year that I realized it’s more of a dark feminine literary fiction/satire kind of book, like Bunny by Mona Awad or The Pisces by Melissa Broder. For two years I queried Lilias as a fantasy novel!

Each time I felt like I was walking down a more defined path, another path would show itself again— when I got in the thick of querying Lilias the second or third time, I became a writer’s PA in a comedy show’s writers’ room. TV was the original goal all along, and that’s what I’d been projecting outwardly. In many ways, I still saw myself as a budding screenwriter who had a literary passion project. Working on a TV show would benefit me and Vic’s chances as well, because our production company would need to be built from the ground up, and this would be true, real experience in a place like a writer’s room. On this show, I was working as the silly Gen Z assistant to people who are insanely funny and talented, and it was a huge step in the right direction. Once I got to know everyone more, I recieved encouragment of my style of comedy and delivery. That was another major wakeup call. How can I be focusing on querying a book when these very funny people think I’m funny? I was encouraged to do stand-up and skits online, do comedy, be in front of the camera. This was an idea I’d lightly considered, but ultimately felt I’d be better suited as a writer.

But it was the first real feedback I’d gotten on myself as a creative from people who have real success in the industry. None of them said things like Oh, you’d be an incredible novelist. I am naturally a person with a lot of bits, who cracks a lot of jokes, and I knew I had something there, even if it was underdeveloped or I didn’t have much confidence in it. I also needed something to change. I’d been in LA for five years with no quantifiable ‘break’, being that I got the job on the comedy show through nepotism. I ached to make it, to put myself out there, and this was a new, unexplored avenue I could do. Additionally, my boyfriend Ben is a comedian and has been building his audience online, so I saw him as an inspiration, or someone I could collaborate with in the space.

Following my role on the show, which ended 2 months ago, and still working and rewriting Lilias to more accurately reflect the literary fiction angle, I started posting skits on TikTok. The plan was to embody a character I could write into a TV show, Dunham style, which was me years ago, before I’d learned to make my own money and was relying on my rich family to back me up in any situation. Pairing that with my silly, socially-awkward sense of humor could introduce people to this satirical part of myself, which is still present in what I write. In the past month, I’ve had some viral moments, and I’m gaining followers and even my very own death threats.

This is one element of my life, but also the one with the most traction. However, I’m also about to shoot a vertical short rom-com with Victoria, which is the first project under our newly founded production company Foster Taylor Productions. I’m working on a spec script for the show I worked on. I’m rewriting the pilot I wrote a long time ago, which is a satire about my very exact life, the flopping, poor nepo baby, which is the character in most of my skits online. So it feels like the most direction I’ve ever had, though Lilias is still the thing I care about most.

Underneath it all, I’m on my fifth Brandon Sanderson novel. Everything leads back to fantasy. Aside from Victoria, who so kindly indulged me on Fairywood, there are only two people in my life who care whatsoever about fantasy like me: my sister and my friend Meredith. I’m so glad for them, because they’re really holding this down for me. My ugly truth is, my heart is in fantasy novels. The Cruel Prince by Holly Black is my favorite book of all time. I can’t contain my love for Harry Potter or my excitement for the new show. On a secondary but still strong level, I love science fiction, speculative, and dystopian fiction. Octavia Butler and Suzanne Collins are up there on the deity panel with Shonda. None of my passions are strictly comedy, though I’ve been told I’m good at it. I’m tired of being directionless, when this is something quantifiable I can track, something I’ve seen proof of that I’m good at. Strangely, receiving misogynistic hate feels like even further confirmation I’m doing something right.

I like having all the options, but some wise person whom I can’t remember at this moment once told me that you need to just pick one thing and put all your energy into it, since you can’t lock in on every ambition. This is what has led me to comedy, doing videos about a twisted version of myself from years ago, the broken, presumptuous nepo baby who thinks it’ll be easy, though nothing is working out in her favor. However, maybe some of it is still true, since I still feel uncertain about what I’m doing, and I’m hoping it’ll all work out. The only thing I think I’ve left behind is my entitlement, which is that it simply should work out for me since I’ve willed it to, since I’m a nepo baby. The funny thing is, that’s the crux of this whole character.