What to do when your family tree looks like a cactus

If you read my posts, you’re aware that I’ve been working on writing my wife’s story for her son & eventual grandchildren since KJ passed on - and, even if you don’t subscribe, you know it now.

Writing KJ’s biography was a passion/cause that grew in me as I watched her only natural-born child step up in the most incredible manner as KJ went through palliative care in the middle of 2025.

Observing the maturity in how the young man in his early 20s connected with & cared for KJ during those final months inspired me. His mum had lived an incredibly eventful life. But, too often, those closest to us cannot see the wonder in our lives because of the “familiarity filter.”

So, I’ve spent most of the 6 months since KJ left my side gathering insights from the signs of life she left behind so he would see how amazing his mum was. It wasn’t until December last year that I realised the best way to tell KJ’s story is to let other people describe her “life well lived” through their eyes.

If you want to know more about the 19 chapters currently being penned, typed & recorded, please refer to my earlier post HERE.

As I’ve been working on KJ’s story and chatting with many people who knew her during various times of her action-packed life, something has crystallised in my mind.

And it’s not related to KJ herself.

It’s something I am sure you can relate to.

I certainly experienced it myself when I walked alongside KJ through her season in palliative care, and then staggered my way through the first few months of grieving her passing.

It’s the difference in friendships that we all experience as we do this adventure called life - what I’m calling seasonal versus intentional friends.

Guaranteed, you already know what I’m talking about. It happens to all of us.

Seasonal friends are those amazing people who blow into your life for a period of time eg a new job, a new neighbourhood, a new club or social group, etc. And then, somewhere along the way, life’s path digresses and those friends slowly drift away. You might remain in contact every now & then - that’s where social media sites like FaceBook are great. However, those who once walked close by your side are no longer an active part of your life, nor you theirs.

Intentional friends are those who come into your life & make every effort to stay alongside you through thick or thin. They’re family, but by bond, not blood. And as some of you are painfully aware, a good bond often beats a family tree, especially if your family tree looks like a cactus & has lots of pricks.

Sadly, the difficult seasons we stagger our way through often make a clear distinction between seasonal & intentional friends. When the going gets tough, many seasonal friends prefer a smoother route. Often, people don't know what to say or do and just disappear rather than confront a difficult situation ... though everyone who’s gone through a hard time (i.e., all of us) knows that saying something, anything, is better than silence and distance.

Now, what many of you are possibly thinking right now is, “Yeah. I remember so-and-so letting me down like that when I really needed a friend.”

However, I want to inspire you with the woman that my current writing adventure is focused on. She understood that building intentional friendships starts with YOU. If you’re not intentional, any friendship will only ever be seasonal.

That’s because intentional friendships always require both parties to be committed to one another.

I remember when KJ & I had only been dating for 6 weeks and she rang me early on a Saturday morning to tell me that she needed to go to hospital.

“The cancer’s back,” she’d almost whispered with dread.

Then, she started sobbing.

As I asked her what was wrong, she cried, “I want you to know that, if you can’t stay this journey with me, then you should go now. Please. I couldn’t stand it to have you leave later on when it really matters.”

Having battled cancer myself and then experiencing the ending of a 16-year relationship that I didn’t want to end as I endured chemo, I knew the pain of losing someone you thought/hoped would be there by your side when the going got rough.

There was no way I could do that to KJ. In just 6 weeks, she had overflowed my life with the wonder & joy of her life & love. I didn’t want to do life without her, no matter what lay ahead.

And I didn’t want to fill her heart with the pain I had endured 3 years earlier, as someone I still loved at that time disappeared from my life for reasons I never understood.

I only realised later that KJ was essentially saying on that Saturday morning that, if she was going to be intentional with me (as she was with most people she befriended), I needed to reciprocate that - it was the only way “us” would work.

The indescribably complex yet unspeakably awesome years I experienced with KJ after that reinforced to me that I made the best decision I’ve ever made that Saturday morning in February 2022. The painful lows could never come close to the indescribable highs of doing life with her, even if it was just for a sliver of time.

And I will be forever grateful that she decided to be an intentional friend to me.

You see, if ever there was someone who knew what intentional friendship was, it was KJ. As I’ve looked through some of the remnants she left behind for me to write her story, I am constantly amazed by how many people KJ went out of her way to help before I knew her, despite her own battle with metastatic breast cancer.

Likewise, I’ve been shattered to discover how some of those very people did not reciprocate that when KJ really needed them.

Despite those seasonal friends disappearing from her life when they were needed the most (something I’m sure we can all relate to & are probably all guilty of doing to others), KJ never let that change the person / friend she chose to be. From the last few text messages she sent, I know that Katrina continued to actively pursue intentional friendships right up to her final day of consciousness.

And that is the point I’m trying to make - to myself, just as much as for you.

If you want great friendships, don’t wait for others to be there for you. Be there for them.

And when you do eventually need friends to be there for you, sure, some will drift away. Just be grateful for the time you shared & the memories you created with seasonal friends. There’s nothing wrong with that. They are part of this adventure called life. If someone is like that to you when your chips are down, that’s okay. Let them go. Focus on the pages you wrote together, not that final paragraph.

However, the louder the winds howl & the fiercer the storm rages, the more your intentional friends will stand right by your side, holding you up … just as you were there for them.

As I’ve interviewed people for KJ’s story, I was particularly frustrated by someone very close to her. When I asked him to describe his favourite memory of KJ, he nodded sagely and said, “She was there.”

When I asked him, “How? Tell me how?” he simply shrugged and said, “You know Katrina. She was there. She was always there.”

I’ve mentioned that to a couple of other people I’ve interviewed. And they’ve all responded the same. “Yeah. That describes Katrina perfectly. She always turned up. She was always there. You could always count on her.”

And that is because KJ knew what intentional friendship is.

May we all do & be the same.

Mindful of that, my word of the month is …

kintsugi

traditional Japanese technique of repairing ceramics with lacquer and a metal powder that is usually made from gold or silver. The centuries-old practice is often used to mend treasured objects by beautifying the cracks, which serve as a visual record of the object’s history. {Britannica}

Example: As shown in the photo above, KJ appreciated how kintsugi transformed a broken object into something of value & wonder because that’s how she saw all of us, including herself - broken, yet beautiful.

I know it’s not an English word. Yet, there is no singular English word to describe what “kintsugi” is. All I can tell you after experiencing KJ kintsugi my heart over the years we were together is that kintsugi is the basis of intentional friendships - they help each other put the pieces back together in a way that highlights how uniquely beautiful each & every one of us has been created to be.

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