I'm Very, Very Terrified Right Now

Hello from Scotland!

I’m more terrified than I’ve ever been in my life. I’m terrified to be doing over a dozen shows of Shit Arcade in a new country.

Actually, that’s not completely true. Here are some things I’ve been more terrified of:

• Aliens abducting me from my room (ages 6-14)

• Asking for a divorce

• Vampires murdering me in the woods (ages 6-17)

• The ghost house in Mario 64 (ages 12-16)

• My parents screaming through their bedroom door

• Every day when I open my phone (ages 25-42)

But, honestly, taking this show to a new country is one of the scariest professional leaps I’ve ever taken. In reality, I know it’ll all be fine. We’ve got ticket sales and, barring a truly memorable disaster, I’m sure the show will run with a handful of hitches and be a good time. And even if there’s a memorable disaster, at least the word “memorable” will make it something I can talk about for years.

I’ve spent months prepping for this show, sometimes in the right way (lots of games, lots of testing games, lots of backup tech) and the wrong way (I probably could’ve started marketing this and inviting industry to come earlier). And now, outside of some last-minute show promoting, I’ve basically done everything I can do.

All I’ve got in front of me are over a dozen shows. But I know how to do this show. I’ve done it many, many, many times before. Will the material hold up in front of another country’s audience? Hopefully! Video games are pretty universal and Edinburgh is a big video game town. Plus, the fact that I’ve got physical copies of games is going to add some nice flavor now that more and more is heading to digital.

But the fact is, I’m scared. I’m scared I’ll let down the crowds. I’m scared I’ll let down my reps who’ve put a decent amount of work into this, too. I’m scared that I’ll put together a show that’s less than ideal, less than what I want. I’m scared that this is a fool’s errand, even though I very much already know it is. Then again, so is all of comedy.

The fact is, part of the reason I’m even doing this is because I’m scared. I’ve fallen into a comfort zone with my comedy and while this certainly falls under the banner of “video games comedy show I’ve done before,” this is the farthest away I’ve done it and in an international arts festival I’ve never visited before.

It’s healthy to take a jump on something terrifying. I know myself. I know there’s a deep, overwhelming desire to do nothing with the rest of my life. Literally, just find a way to make what I’ve got stretch as far as it’ll go and just see what happens after that. It’s a strong urge to give up that sometimes feels stronger than any other emotion I’ve got.

But it’s not an emotion I’d like to give into. As much as I want that soft comfort of feeling like you’re being emotionally strangled to death by pillow hands, I don’t feel content with it. I need to keep doing things and, more important than that, new things (or at least old things in new places).

Fortunately, the way I’m doing this life tune-up is through a really fun show with really fun performers starting tomorrow.

Oh God, it’s tomorrow!

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