Middle Woe exists because some days, the meeting has no agenda, the form requests another form, and the person in charge has absolutely no idea what they’re ...
POSTED AT THE MANOR GATE To all householders of Middle Woe, Last night’s storm has turned the parish windmill backwards. All flour is now returning itself to grain. Please adjust your recipes accordingly. Compliance is expected. Thomas Clodwell, Reeve of Middle Woe
POSTED AT THE MANOR GATE Notice is hereby given, Owing to the excessive reporting of minor ailments, the Office of the Manorial Clerk regrets to announce that the village is presently experiencing a shortage of official quills. Until further supplies become available, notices may be inscribed upon suitably prepared bark, cabbage leaves, or, where absolutely necessary, the door of one's nearest…
POSTED AT THE DOOR OF ALL HALLOWS CHURCH To the faithful of Middle Woe, In an effort to encourage good conduct amongst the parish, I have reluctantly agreed to introduce the Parish Turnip Reward Scheme. Parishioners may earn Turnip Stamps as follows: Attending Sunday Mass without heckling the priest – 2 Turnip Stamps Refraining from throwing turnips at the choir (however tempting) – 3 Turnip…
TO ALL HOUSEHOLDERS OF THE MANOR OF MIDDLE WOE Good morrow, It has been observed that several oxen have taken it upon themselves to plough their own furrows. Whilst this demonstrates admirable initiative, it does not constitute acceptable agricultural practice within the Manor of Middle Woe. Further incidents may result in a formal complaint being lodged against the owner and his tithing, who…
Let it be known, that following routine inspection, the bridge over the River Woe has been declared structurally unsound. There is, however, some confusion, as there has never been a bridge over the River Woe within the parish. Residents are therefore requested not to use it until repairs have been completed. By Order of Thomas Clodwell, Reeve of Middle Woe
NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN that certain Parishioners have been observed in flagrant breach of proper herb-substitution conduct, namely the wearing, wielding, fastening, flourishing, dangling, balancing, or otherwise displaying parsley, nettles, and turnip peelings in place of the Official Parish Protection Herbs. Such conduct constitutes a violation of the TURNIP (The Unauthorised Regulation of…
Notice is hereby given, A shortage of official Parish Protection Herbs (rosemary sprigs) has been reported. Please do not attempt to substitute with parsley, nettles, or turnip peelings, no matter what Brother Geoffrey claims. Nicholas Marsh, Parish Clerk
Let it be known, there has been an increase in the number of residents with summer related illnesses, and the apothecary cannot keep up with demand. Agnes Nettlewood has offered her own questionable remedies. Nobody has taken her up on this offer as yet except for Brother Geoffrey who mistook her remedy for ale. Please continue to cough into your neighbour’s cloak until further notice. Nicholas…
By Order, Carrot disputes must henceforth be settled by Conkers–Stone–Shears. The conkers must be of sound character and free from decorative varnish. The stones, sourced from the village green, must carry no personal grudge. The shears must be sharp, though all efforts to test this have ended poorly. Despite the new measures, Mr Pottle's beard remains notably uneven following his recent carrot…
Householders, In an effort to maintain order within The Drunken Goose, landlord Toby Maltspigot has introduced a new policy: all disputes must now be declared in writing prior to commencement. Patrons are asked to complete Form 42B (“P.U.N.C.H. — Proposed Uncivil Neighbourly Confrontation Hearing”), specifying: the nature of the disagreement, the expected volume level, and whether throwing of…