Lifelong Anorgasmia

I followed every Mormon rule with exactness.

Kept my hands where they belonged,

my thoughts clean,

my future sealed like a letter

I didn’t dare open.

Not yet.

In dreams, my body moved on its own,

and I let it.

No rules or law

to shame me.

But when a boy kissed me,

I felt warmth I could control.

And I did.

I folded it away,

When I married you,

I thought my body would understand

like a switch flipped

by vows.

You were gentle.

You knew the names of parts

and so did I by then.

Still, I floated just above it—

watching,

waiting

for something to arrive.

It didn’t.

Years passed. Five children.

A different kind of fullness.

And then one night,

I listened

to the whispers of my dreams:

messages my body had been sending all along.

I didn’t give up.

I kept returning, again and again,

until my body finally spoke,

and I answered her.

💕💕💕💕💕

Author's Note:

Anorgasmia refers to persistent difficulty or inability to experience orgasm, even with adequate arousal and stimulation. It is more common than many realize, yet it remains under-discussed and often misunderstood. Rarely, the roots are strictly physical or hormonal. More often, the causes are psychological, cultural, neuroanatomical, physiological (i.e. clenched pelvic floor): usually a complex interaction between these. If this poem resonates with you, you are not alone and support is available. I’ve compiled resources on science-backed current treatment options here, and if you'd like to be part of new research 100% anonymously you can share your journey/story here. I'm a psychologist with decades of training and still, I struggled with lifelong anorgasmia until I was 40 years old. Even after I'd been happily married and had five children. I could only orgasm in my dreams because I could not let go while awake, no matter how hard I tried. In my case, purity culture played a significant role in how I came by my anorgasmia, and pelvic floor therapy and dream analysis/lucid dreaming is finally what healed me so I could have them while awake too.

If you are experiencing difficulty with orgasm, consider speaking with a qualified provider such as an OBGYN, urogynecologist, licensed sex therapist, or pelvic floor physical therapist. A collaborative approach utilizing creativity between you and your care team is often the most effective. There is still a culture of silence surrounding anorgasmia. The more we name and share these experiences, the closer we come to better research, better care, and more effective treatments for everyone.

Dr. Kristy Money is a neurospicy writer and shrink. She’s writing a book on anorgasmia and her writing/poems have recently been published or are forthcoming in McSweeney's, Past Ten, Trampoline, Blood and Honey, Instant Noodles, and Waffle Fried. She lives in Austin TX with her husband, five kids, and chihuahuas Dolly and Elvis.