What If Self-Doubt Is Part of the Engine?

I was staring at my computer screen with a near-blank document staring back at me.

It was 11:21 pm, and for the past ten hours, I had successfully checked off every ‘important’ item on my to-do list.

(Don’t worry, I took appropriate bio and meal breaks to make sure I was taking care of my mental and physical health.)

I was feeling very productive.

But now it was time to finish the speech I had been hired to write for a client.

Or at least start it.

I looked over my handwritten notes from the client meeting.

Nothing.

My eyes shifted back to the blank computer screen.

Nothing.

I looked over the notes again.

Nothing.

Back to the screen.

Still nothing.

No ideas. No angle. No thread to pull.

“Okay,” I wondered, “maybe this is the time I come up empty?”

And the nasty little voice in the back of my head answered, “That’ll teach you for being so confident in the meeting.”

It may also have called me something derogatory that rhymes with “some lass,” but I managed not to take the bait.

You’d think that after all these years, that voice would have quieted down.

It could have, for example, considered the body of evidence of completed assignments, or at least been drowned out by the daily flood of motivational messages on social media telling me to believe in myself.

I used to think the goal was to get rid of self-doubt, to banish that inner muttering forever.

But I know now that self-doubt isn’t always the enemy.

Often, it’s the very thing that makes me go back to my notes one more time.

And here’s the reassuring, scary thought: Maybe I do better precisely because I’m so damn afraid that I can’t.

So no, I don’t think the answer is to “just believe in yourself” or pretend the doubt isn’t there.

Maybe you know that voice too — the one that reaches for the steering wheel because it thinks it has the map.

But it doesn’t. I do. And you do.

Self-doubt may be one part of the engine that drives me, but that doesn’t mean I should let it drive.

— Just don’t let it drive. —

Otherwise, I would have gone off the cliff a long time ago.

And that speech I was working on?

Well, truth be told, the first draft didn’t go over so well, but I didn’t give up. I kept the parts that were worth keeping and scrapped the rest. I continued to refine it and made sure it sounded just as good in the client’s voice as it did on paper.

The day after the presentation, my client emailed me: “Everyone said I nailed it. Thank you.”

Thanks for being here. I’ve been writing glimmers & gratitudes for a few years, mostly for myself, to help me make sense of my world and maintain a sense of optimism. If this newsletter can help you do the same, then I’ll consider the effort a success. I welcome the conversation. Keep in touch by commenting here or through any of the social media channels listed on my websites. (Or both!)

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