Are you single this Valentine’s Day? Do people look at you and wonder what’s wrong with you? Do they feel sorry for you? Do they get tongue-tied, wondering how the conversation is supposed to navigate around the absence of another to complete you? You get pressure from your family and may fall out of favor with friends who transition from single to married to parenting. You may condemn yourself and feel inferior.
But does all that negativity reflect God’s Word on the matter? Aren’t we called to seek Him in our understanding rather than standing on the world’s thinking?
We read that Jesus answered questions from the Pharisees regarding divorce. They can help us see singleness from a God’s-eye view:
He [Jesus] said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way. And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” The disciples said to Him, “If the relationship of the man with his wife is like this, it is better not to marry.” But He said to them, “Not all men can accept this statement, but only those to whom it has been given. For there are eunuchs who were born that way from their mother’s womb; and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men; and there are also eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. He who is able to accept this, let him accept it.” (Matthew 19:8–12)
Jesus says that not everyone can accept this statement—“only those to whom it has been given.” The Greek word for “given” (didomi) can have the meaning “bestowed” or “granted.” Then Jesus says that the one who is able to accept “this” should accept it. Accept what? That marriage was made to be without divorce? That it is better not to marry? That some people choose to make themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of God? Or a combination of all three?
Perhaps we can read it to mean that singleness is divinely granted to some people. Those who can accept the calling have been given their singleness as a gift from God.
Here is Paul:
Yet I wish that all men were even as I myself am. However, each man has his own gift from God, one in this manner, and another in that. But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I….
I think then that this is good in view of the present distress, that it is good for a man to remain as he is. Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be released. Are you released from a wife? Do not seek a wife. But if you marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. Yet such will have trouble in this life, and I am trying to spare you. But this I say, brethren, the time has been shortened, so that from now on those who have wives should be as though they had none;… But I want you to be free from concern. One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife, and his interests are divided. The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband. This I say for your own benefit; not to put a restraint upon you, but to promote what is appropriate and to secure undistracted devotion to the Lord....
A wife is bound as long as her husband lives; but if her husband is dead, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord. But in my opinion she is happier if she remains as she is; and I think that I also have the Spirit of God. (1 Corinthians 7:7–8, 26–29, 32–35, 39–40)
Paul’s passage says, “I wish all men were like me, but each has his own gift from God.” Here is another word for “gift”: charisma, or “a freely given gift of grace.”
So if you’re the one who’s single and feeling less than others, or if you’re the one pressuring or judging the single person in your family or community, you need to know that singleness is not a curse or an inferior condition. It is something rare and special that only few can accept, and it is a free gift of grace that is preferable to being married.
Jesus speaks of three sorts of eunuchs:
Those born that way: a congenital defect
Those who have been made eunuchs by men. Eunuchs in the ancient Near East were often used as royal attendants. They could be trusted around the king’s harem, as we read about in the book of Esther, where Esther and the other girls are under the care of a eunuch. This sort of eunuch, like the first kind, had no control over his condition, but was likely a trusted slave who was made a eunuch in order to better serve.
Jesus speaks of another type of eunuch, different from the first two in that this eunuch becomes so voluntarily. “Eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.” This is a person who has chosen a life of celibacy “for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.”
When we look at the gifts that God gives, they are given for a very specific purpose:
And He gave [didomi] some as apostles, and some as prophets…for the equipping of the saints for the work of service, to the building up of the body of Christ,… the whole body, being fitted and held together by what every joint supplies, according to the proper working of each individual part, causes the growth of the body for the building up of itself in love. (Ephesians 4:11–12, 16)
Just as with all the other gifts, the gift of singleness/celibacy is for the work of service—for the furtherance of God’s work—to build up of the body of Christ in love.
Since we have gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, each of us is to exercise them accordingly. (Romans 12:6)
But if you marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. Yet such will have trouble in this life, and I am trying to spare you. (1 Corinthians 7:28)
The Greek word for “trouble” refers to afflictions, distress, anguish, and tribulation. Paul cares so much about you that he wishes to spare you all that! Again...
But I want you to be free from concern. One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife, and his interests are divided. The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband. (1 Corinthians 7:32–34)
You really need to let me drive. How come I never get to hold the remote? You bought what and it cost how much? How late did you stay up last night on social media? Why do you give the kids candy and then leave them for me to handle? Do we have to spend Christmas with your folks again this year? You mean you didn’t fill the tank when you borrowed my car, and now we’re out of gas? Why can’t I watch the game with my buddies? Why do I always have to clean the toilet? You don’t make your cornbread like my mother used to make it. How could you forget our anniversary?
It’s very complicated being married! Paul prefers that your concerns be about the things of the Lord instead of with marriage issues. He thinks the widow “is happier if she remains as she is.”
This I say for your own benefit; not to put a restraint upon you, but to promote what is appropriate and to secure undistracted devotion to the Lord. (1 Corinthians 7:35)
The single person is able to experience “undistracted devotion to the Lord.” That means spending time in the Word, in prayer, in loving service for the equipping of the saints and for the building up of the body of Christ. That is the purpose of the gift of singleness.
But this I say, brethren, the time has been shortened, so that from now on those who have wives should be as though they had none; and those who weep, as though they did not weep; and those who rejoice, as though they did not rejoice; and those who buy, as though they did not possess; and those who use the world, as though they did not make full use of it; for the form of this world is passing away. (1 Corinthians 7:29–31)
What does Paul mean by “the time has been shortened”?
Do this, knowing the time, that it is already the hour for you to awaken from sleep; for now salvation is nearer to us than when we believed. The night is almost gone, and the day is near. Therefore let us lay aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. Let us behave properly as in the day, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual promiscuity and sensuality, not in strife and jealousy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh in regard to its lusts. (Romans 13:11–14)
In other words, “wake up!” Be ready for the Lord’s return! “We ought to consider nothing as our own in real or permanent possession” (Jamieson, Fausset, & Brown), whether it’s your spouse, your reason for weeping, or stuff you own.
Paul is urging all of us, single and married, to shift our perspective from the passing concerns of this world to spiritual things of eternal consequence. Become and stay ready for the return of the Lord by pursuing holiness and joining in the harvest to bring as many people as possible to a saving knowledge of Jesus. This mindset renders unimportant the whole question of whether you’re married or single. Marriage is a concern of this world that we will not be taking with us into our future:
For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven. (Matthew 22:30)
If you are single or if you are married, you are called to give yourself to God wholeheartedly, with a loose hold on the things of this world and an eye on eternal matters, ready for the Lord’s soon return.
The world is passing away, and also its lusts; but the one who does the will of God lives forever. Children, it is the last hour. (1 John 2:17–18a)
You singles—treasure your gift! It may not be a gift that lasts for the rest of your life. But for now, seek holiness in your gift and remember that you are to use it to build up the body of Christ through loving service.
If you are a single person who is not practicing celibacy, consider that God’s purpose for you is to be holy both in body and in spirit. Be assured that if you come to God with a contrite heart of repentance and confession, you can experience His forgiveness. You can have a brand new start, as though you were a virgin again.
But all of us—both single and married this Valentine’s Day—seek holiness.
As for me, I know that my Redeemer lives, And at the last He will take His stand on the earth. Even after my skin is destroyed, Yet from my flesh I shall see God; Whom I myself shall behold, And whom my eyes will see and not another. My heart faints within me! (Job 19:25–27)
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