If Kieth and Nicole can't make it work, what are the rest of us going to do?

Dear Keith,

I’m so sorry about your pending divorce. I really want to help you. Nicole Kidman is without a doubt one of the greatest women on the planet. If you’d just called me before you stood under another woman’s umbrella. (That’s code for having an affair)

I’ve been obsessed with how single women have these colorful small umbrellas like kaleidoscopes. After a Friday night improv show, everyone came outside in front the theater. It was drizzling so I spontaneously stood under this young woman’s pink and yellow flower umbrella as we were chatting. I was so excited to be under this umbrella I felt like I was in high school. She invited me to join everyone at Pioneers, the bar next door. More than anything, I just wanted to stay under that umbrella but it was time for this pioneer to go home.

It’s not super glamorous being faithful to a woman. I understand the impulse to find a new umbrella but you’re a dad like me, a family man and it’s time for you to strip yourself completely of your pride, schlump in a chair and apologize and then you would become the most charming man on earth. If you can convince me I want to be the man at the party playing the guitar, you can convince Nicole that you’d been possessed by the devil and now want to come home.

In all my previous letters I’ve wanted your help and friendship but now I am offering you mine. I can set you up with my couples therapist on the upper westside. She still works on ZOOM. She’ll give you and Nicole a sounding board.

You guys can get back together, and go to Community, the healthy brunch place in my neighborhood with my wife takes forever to order gluten free toast, no tomatoes, no peppers, and an iced matcha with no sugar. If you join us I guarantee you’ll make it to your 20th wedding anniversary.

Write me back, ASAP (as soon as possible)

Love

Michael Pickles Dermansky