A quick letter to Keith Urban...let's meet in Philadelphia

Dear Keith,

K-Urb! Big news! I’m performing some of the letters I wrote to you over the last ten years this September in Philadelphia. These letters date back to when my daughter was getting her gender neutral B-mitzvah. Now she’s a rising senior at Bryn Mawr and my PR point person and success coach. If it weren’t for her I’d be on my couch with Tink watching my goals drift away. I truly hope your girls, Faith and Hope are pushing you forward in your life’s mission!

Mate, there’s a lot of dad stuff to report.

First: Maddy, graduated from Masters.

It’s a utopian private high school. Their graduation tradition is for all the girls to dress in white, carrying white baskets with rose petals and the boys are in white pants with navy blazers and rose corsages. When they announce: CONGRATULATIONS CLASS OF 2026! All the kids throw the rose pedals into the sky creating haze of red locusts that is so beautiful you can’t believe you’re seeing it and just when you realize you should have your phone ready to take a picture it vanishes.

So, officially I am no longer a Master’s dad, and now an empty nester. It’s like being divorced except my wife is still living with me. Even though you’re divorced and I’m not, we’re both going to be empty. Do you miss Nicole?

You’be become part of my Algorithm. I keep receiving headlines about your betrayal and Nicole sleeping with boys half her age. I know it’s all probably half truths. So write me with the truth, if you want.

I really want to find a way that we can connect and be friends. Both of us have 18 year old daughters who watch Off Campus (everyone is watchin it.) Even I started watching. In today’s shows college students have adult ways of talking about sexuality and take off their clothes to expose their washboard abs when they go to wash their hands. Every afternoon has an R rated possibilty. This is what our children are watching.

Anyway, I’ve made some new pins. These 13 year old girls in the Darien, Connecticut yogurt store really loved them! I was visiting my wife at Silverhill Psychiatric hospital getting some frozen yogurt on the way home and the girls asked me where I got the pins. The want me to set up an Etsy shop!

My wife has been really, really sick with the same overwhelming depression that came fifteen years ago. I wish I had someone to talk to about that. Psychiatric Hospitals are the worst. Those creepy rooms where they do the intake forms and they take away your wive’s shoe laces. It’s so unnecessary. It’s like they just want husbands to know how sick their wives are they can’t be trusted with thier own shoelaces and it’s totally absurd, but we we still just drive off like everything will be fine.

In the meantime…I’m gaining weight eating frozen yogurt.

I wear my pins on my clothes and usually people ignore them. I have one pin that says “Hug me ASAP.” Donna, the receptionist I call to make my dental appointments, came out from behind her booth and hugged me!

So things are looking up. Let’s connect. For a walk about.

Michael pickles Dermansky