💛 Zombie Mia wants sleep

You open your email. Nothing happens.

Absolutely nothing.

My 4am post time change brain is struggling to function properly, even though I keep trying to convince it that it’s 5am.

"Mia?” you call out, searching for me.

I appear in the middle of the room, groan, and stretch my hands out in front of me. “Zombie Mia wants sleep,” I moan. “I’m so tired…”

A redhead appears next to me. It’s Minnie—whose book I half-finished editing before the clocks changed. “You have to help her,” Minnie pleads, grabbing both your hands in hers. “If she doesn’t snap out of it soon, my life will be over!”

“Aren’t you being a little dramatic?” you ask her. “I know Mia’s your author, and you want her to finish your story, but…”

“You don’t understand! I’ve spent all week drooling and staring into space because that’s all Mia’s been able to do. And you don’t want to know what happens each time she dozes off.”

As if no cue, a bunch of letters appear in the middle of the room.

fbgyyyyyyyyyyyyvbfvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvgiyb

Minnie screams. “Run for your life!”

The letters start flying around and bouncing off walls. Minnie runs around the room screaming, while you search for a solution. Last time this happened, my computer keyboard malfunctioned, and there was an attack of the Us.

This time, I’m curled up on the floor, fast asleep. I’ve got my head on my open laptop, and you realize what’s going on. “Mia,” you cry, shaking me awake. “Get off the keyboard.”

"What? Huh?" I wipe some drool off my face and then snuggle up with my keyboard again.

Another cacophony of letters appears around us.

gkjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjgffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffasj

The letters target the poor, terrified Minnie, and you decide that enough is enough.

You also realize you can’t leave me in charge of this adventure. Not in my current state.

You snap your fingers, and my laptop disappears. A giant mug of coffee appears next to me instead. And by giant, I mean big enough for me to sleep inside.

“You don’t plan to drown her, are you?” Minnie asks, still panting from her run. “I know being attacked by letters isn’t quite what you signed up for, but…”

You shake your head. “Of course I’m not trying to kill her.”

“Oh, good.” Minnie sighs in relief. “You know, we should start serving these at Jewels Cafe. Coffee bath. For $99.99, you too can swim in your favorite brew. And smell like it, too."

“I wasn’t planning on a coffee bath,” you say. “I just thought about how Mia could use a lot of coffee, and this happened. I guess I should have been more specific.”

Minnie giggles. “It smells nice though.”

You nod as the scent of caffeine permeates the air and I finally start to stir.

"Coffee," I moan, the way a zombie would moan ‘brains.’

I extend my arms out in front of me, eyes still closed, in search of the heavenly brew.

Since the cup is too large to move closer to me, you rotate me until my hands touch the porcelain.

My eyes fly open, and I moan. "Coffee." I stare at it for several seconds, blinking. “Huh?”

“Just drink it,” you say.

"How?" I ask, too tired to figure out how one would drink from a person-sized mug.

“Giant straw?” you suggest. One instantly appears, stretching from the coffee to my mouth.

“I think you’re forgetting something,” Minnie says.

“Oh, right. Hold up, Mia,” you say. “You don’t want to burn yourself.”

You snap your fingers, and a giant fan appears above the giant mug, cooling the coffee down.

“I meant milk and sugar,” Minnie says, turning to me. “How do you take your coffee, Mia?”

“With almond milk,” I say. “Not by choice. If I had it my way, I’d be chugging double-doubles,” I yawn. “But they’re too caloric. So I’ve had to settle.”

“Well, today, there are no rules,” you announce, as a giant bottle of cream and jar of sugar float up to the coffee and dump their contents inside. A giant stir stick appears, and mixes everything up.

I lower my lips to the straw and drink. Then drink some more. The amount of coffee in the mug doesn't visibly change, but some color comes back to my cheeks, my eyes no longer look so glazed.

"Much better," you say. "Now, come on."

You snap your fingers again and we appear on the beach. But the effects of the coffee don’t seem to last, and I circle a section of soft sand and curl up on it like a dog.

"Never mind," you say, transporting us again. This time, we end up in Rubber Duckie World, the themed water park from my book Rubber Duckie Shifter Next Door.

Instead of the sandy beach, I’m now fast asleep on top of a duck-shaped pool floatie.

You swap your clothes for a bathing suit, and jump into the water, splashing me. I stir. Briefly. Then go back to sleep.

You decide you've had enough and knock me off the floatie.

I fall into the ice cold water and instantly snap awake. I come back up to the surface, sputtering. “I could have drowned!”

“I would have transported you somewhere safe.”

“Safe,” I say dreamily and the pool becomes a giant bed. I curl up in the middle and doze off again.

"You are a lost cause," you complain.

My Not a Vampire husband appears next to you and nods. "She's been like this for days.”

He's wearing gym shorts that hang low on his hips. You stare at his tanned, muscular chest, which is a far cry from vampiric pale.

My Not a Vampire is yummy, and I'm too tired to keep him fully clothed. Plus, while I write at 5am, he works out... and I love the view.

He chuckles, wipes some sweat off his forehead, and pulls on a shirt. "Since Mia's out of commission, let’s chat,” he says, gesturing for you to sit. “Ask me anything."

It's probably your chance to get some spoilers about my next book, or some intimate details about my life… but the first thing that comes out of your mouth is, "Do you drink blood?"

"I do like a Bloody Mary from time to time,” he says, “but here in Canada, we prefer Caesars. Clamato juice, celery sticks, vodka."

"Not what I meant," you say, changing the subject. “So, Mia’s taking the time change pretty hard, huh?”

Not a Vampire nods. "She opens chapter 18 each morning and just sits at her desk, moaning ‘bed’ and ‘sleep’ from time to time."

"Have you tried giving her coffee?"

He nods.

"Is she going to bed at a decent hour?"

"I try not to keep her up too late," he says with a wink.

"And she’s still on chapter 18? Of how many?”

“Thirty-three. It was supposed to be thirty, but Mia added a few more chapters in edits. She’s past the half-way point now, but until she adjusts to the time change, I don't think she'll make any progress.”

You nod. “Does it usually take her long to adjust?”

“Longer than most.” He smiles lovingly at my sleeping form.

Not a Vampire nods. “You know how they say it takes 30 days to form a habit? Mia needs at least a year.”

“A year? But by then there’ll be another time change.” You shake your head. “And most people adjust to time changes in a day or two.”

“Sorry, that’s not what I meant.” Not a vampire smiles sheepishly. “Just that it takes Mia ten times longer to adjust to things. So most people need a few days to get used to a time change… Mia needs a few dozen. It might be an ADHD thing. Or just a Mia thing.”

You send me a sympathetic glance. “Hopefully she’ll be fine by next week.”

Not a Vampire nods and glances out the window. "The sun is rising. I should go."

You gasp. Vampire!

"It's time to wake up Mini Mortal," he adds. "Wouldn't want her to be late for March Break Camp. We signed her up for dance camp, which is just a sea of squealing little girls in pink dresses.”

“What kind of dance?”

“Ballet, Jazz and hip hop. They’re having their end of week performance today for all the parents. I can't wait!"

"Let me know how it goes,” you say.

"I will.” He walks up to me and places a gentle kiss on my cheek. "Mia, time to wake up. We need to get Mini Mortal ready for camp."

I groan, stir, and go back to sleep.

"Never mind. I've got it," he says with a chuckle, waving to you. “See you next time.”

You also get the sudden urge to tell me how the time change is treating you…