💛 A Vampiric Debate

You start reading and suddenly find yourself in the audience of ‘The Mia Show.’ I'm on stage, sitting in a yellow armchair. I'm wearing a red leather jacket over a floor-length black dress—which is probably a poor outfit choice considering the decor… and the topic of today's show.

I smile warmly. “Welcome to the Mia show.”

A sign appears above the stage, prompting you to clap.

You let out a whoop. “Go, Mia!” 

I grin. “Today, we're here to disprove some allegations made by Mia's bestie, Eva Delaney. Eva claims that Mia's husband is a vampire,” I add, talking about myself in third person. “We'll bring her and Mia out here in a minute—"

“Hold up,” you interrupt. “How are you going to bring yourself out?” 

“I was just planning to switch seats…” I shrug, but I can tell you’re not impressed. “Okay, fine. You’re right. This show is going to need a different host.”

I get up from my seat. You blink and find yourself on stage in my stead, sitting in the yellow armchair. 

“I know yellow isn’t for everyone,” I tell you. “So feel free to change the color scheme. It is your show, after all.” 

The decor changes and the large glowing ‘Mia Show’ sign above the stage now has your name. The applause sign lights up, prompting the audience to cheer. 

“Oh right,” I say. “Audience.” 

I snap my fingers, and the seats instantly fill up with characters from my published books. 

“If you’re not familiar with them, I created a tab with all my books, sorted by series, in reading order…” I tell you. “But then my ADHD kicked in and I lost all motivation to add hyperlinks or make the list pretty. Sorry.”

“That’s okay,” you tell me, since it isn’t the reason you’re here.

“The same is true for characters in the audience. I wanted to add links, but if I waited until I could work up the energy, there’s a good chance we’d both be a year older. Better to get on with the show.”

You agree and take in the audience. A heavily pregnant Amber is there with all three fated mates, and you wonder who’s watching Jewels Cafe in her absence. Hopefully, being on the show didn’t force them to close for the afternoon.

You’re relieved to see that at least Violet had the forethought to only bring two of her mates, and left her bear shifter in charge of the library. You never know when someone might drop  by with a reading emergency. 

Zoe Wynter is with all three mates—no surprise there, since they all freelance—and Minnie is blushing scarlet as she glances from Damien Starr, the rock star seated to her right, to the hot, muscular prisoner on her left. 

But the audience doesn't just have my Silver Springs Characters. My Rubber Duckie Shifter is there with his mate and the kids. All three pastry shifters are in the audience with their fated mate, and the donut shifters with theirs. Granny is here, too, decked out in an ugly Christmas sweater, surrounded by her hot shifter mates. Even my Mia Sands characters are in the audience, and my gaze lands on a certain fitness influencer, Mr. Fit, who looks extra yummy since he ‘accidentally’ materialized in the audience shirtless.  

As the applause sign lights up, they all whoop and cheer for you.

You wait until they quiet and clear your throat. "Thank you, and welcome to the..." you pause, glance up at your name lit up above the stage, and smile, "my show."

Everyone cheers again.

“I could get used to this,” you say, making them laugh. "Today, we have two special guests,” you add, “Mia Harlan, whose husband is..."

"Not a Vampire," I fill in helpfully.

"That is yet to be decided," you say. 

I frown at you, wondering if I made a mistake when I chose my replacement host. 

“And Eva Delaney, who—”

“Is a vampire,” I call out.

"Am not," Eva says, joining us on stage. She's wearing a red tail coat with silver buttons and dark leggings. When I invited her on, she insisted it was a pirate thing, not a vampire thing, but I beg to differ. 

"Are too," I shout.

Eva lets out a vampiric hiss. Okay, fine… she just frowns. But if you happened to picture a vampiric hiss, it would really help my case. She looks right at me and says, “Your husband is the vampire, and I have proof.”

You turn to the audience. "As you can see, we have a heated debate at hand."

Eva glances at the audience too and frowns. "Stop, stop, stop,” she says. "The entire audience is full of Mia Characters. She's clearly cheating."

The audience gasps in outrage.

"See!" Eva cries. "They’re all on her side.” 

No one argues, because it’s true.

“I need Sapphire here,” Eva says. “And Bob.” 

The two appear in some empty seats in the front. 

“Hey, a free show,” Sapphire says.

Bob claps. He’s the only one clapping. 

“Where are the hot guys who take off their clothes?” Sapphire adds.

“This isn’t magic Mike!” Eva snaps. 

Sapphire scoffs. “Boooring.”

Juniper and her three men appear, one of them in a hat with a big feather and a sword in one hand. He looks around at his new surroundings. “Witchery!” He shouts. Juniper grabs his arm and yanks him into a seat.

Storm and her men appear, too. One of them is so small he sits on her shoulder, and another is a purple-skinned pixie who flies around.

Finally, Cal and her crew from the Star Pilot series appear. Rux, blue eyes narrowed and a big ass blaster strapped to his back, says, “This is dumb! Everyone knows vampires are tiny and buzz a lot.”

Cal sighs. “Those are mosquitoes, Rux.”

“They’re tiny vampires!”

“Why are human sized vampires hard to believe in? You’re a literal shapeshifter.” Cal says.

“Phenotype imitator,” he corrects.

"Much better," Eva says. 

“Almost,” I tell her.

The seats rearrange themselves, with Mia Characters on the right, and Eva Characters on the left. Some seats in the middle are empty, which gives me an idea. I wave my hand, and characters from our co-writes appear: Neph from Moonlit Nephrite and her mates and Diva the espresso machine from an Espresso Machine's Guide to Love and Mischief and her city shifters. 

You suddenly spot a large monster made up of coffee beans on my side of the audience and shoot me a questioning glance.

"Long story," I tell you as a steaming mug with your favorite fall beverage appears in your hand.

Eva gets a coffee, black—a fitting drink for a vampire, if you ask me—and I get a pumpkin spice latte. If I don’t, Amber will never forgive me. 

A bowl with chocolate-covered coffee beans appears on my lap, and I pop one in my mouth. The coffee monster in the audience growls, but I ignore him. 

You turn to the audience. “So, back to the reason we're all here," you glance at me. "Why are we here, Mia? I know we're debating who's the vampire, your husband or Eva—"

"Obviously it's Eva," I say.

"No, it's Mia's husband," Eva says.

"Right, right…" you say, “But why now? This debate has been going on forever. What’s changed?”

I point an accusing finger at Eva. "Ask her.”

Her characters in the audience gasp in outrage. Mine cheer. The ones in the middle are too busy debating whether a pumpkin spice latte is magical, or basic, to pay the show any attention. 

Amber overhears and scowls. “Pumpkin Spice Lattes are like romance novels,” she says.

“Because they both have spice?” Violet, the librarian, giggles.

“Didn’t think of that,” Amber snorts. “But no. They’re both looked down upon because they are primarily enjoyed by women. And we shouldn’t be ashamed of consuming them.”

She proudly holds up a mug of decaf PSL and takes a sip. “Yum!”

I jump to my feet before the debate gets fully derailed by PSLs. “It's all Eva’s fault," I shout.

Eva jumps to her feet, too "It's not my fault I found your husband's lair and sleep coffin,” she tells me. 

"My husband does not sleep in a coffin.”

"Then how do you explain this?" Eva demands. 

A photo appears on a large screen. It's Eva, standing in front of a coffin. 

Everyone in the audience gasps. Whispered conversations break out. 

“That’s a hurtful stereotype!” Sapphire shouts. “Not all vampires sleep in coffins!”

“You just ordered one, Saph,” Bob says.

“Not now Bob, I’m being outraged!”

Zoe Wynter jumps to her feet. "That was clearly photoshopped."

"No, it wasn't," a brunette gets to her feet. She's sitting smack dab in the middle of the audience, but she isn’t a book character. She's Mia and Eva's editor, Katie. "I took this photo. It’s 100% real."

Eva nods. “And it belongs to Mia’s husband.”

“Does not,” I shout. “It belongs to you.”

More gasps ensue. Mia's and Eva's sides of the audience jump to their feet and start hurling insults at each other. The characters in the middle try to keep the peace—while continuing to debate about pumpkin spice—but it's a losing battle.

"Silence," you shout.

A lit sign appears above the stage that says 'quiet' and everyone dutifully returns to their seats and waits to see what you have to say.

"I'm excited to hear both sides and their take on this new evidence."

Damien Starr coughs. "Doctored.” He coughs again.

Minnie and a few other people in the audience laugh.

"We'll hear what both Mia and Eva have to say"—a sign appears above the stage, prompting you to add—"After we take a commercial break." 

The granny from the audience materializes on stage and smooths out her ugly Christmas sweater. “I never thought my golden years would include getting cozy with three supernatural hunks,” she says. “But life has a funny way of surprising you, especially at Christmas.” She holds up a copy of Granny’s Christmas Shifters by Mia Harlan. “That’s me!”

She returns to the audience and Eva stands. “This debate is brought to you by The Magical Rooster. Enchanted sex toys for all your needs, now 100% less cursed.”

In the audience, Juniper–the store owner–lets out a whoop.

Suddenly, you're back in front of your screen. 

"But what about the actual debate?" you demand.

"Next time," I call out, my voice echoing in your head. “If you’re a paid subscriber, don’t forget to vote below and let me know where I should host the actual debate!”