“Demon cavefish” have been discovered lurking in caverns beneath a contaminated U.S. Army base in Alabama, a new study has found.”
When the lede starts with ‘Demon’ and contains the words ‘contaminated U.S. Army base,’ in it, I am psychologically required to read the entire article and go far, far down a rabbit hole about whatever demon the mustard gas made happen in the groundwater of Huntsville, Alabama.
It just be like that for me. Especially with a picture of an eyeless fish that looks a bit like a shark to anyone who glances at it, but is most definitely a shark in the verdant fields of a mind as busy as mine. A demon shark. Made from radioactive waste.
Holy jeebus, we are all going to die. Where’s Godzilla when we need him?
OK, calm and center. Read the whole thing before freaking out, Wendy.
“Biologists have named the pale, eyeless creatures Demogorgonichthys arcanus, after the monstrous Demogorgons from Netflix’s “Stranger Things” and the underworld demon of Greek mythology from which the Demogorgon name derives.”
Um. This is not helping. Someone get me a paper bag, please. How big are they? How BIG ARE THEY?? Tell me now so I can place an appropriate amount of C-4 in my moat. (Don’t act like you don’t have a moat, or C-4, for that matter.)
“The new cavefish had a pronounced hump behind the head, a longer, flatter snout, and unbranched fin rays,” Niemiller said. “We returned a few days later, before a storm system forecasted to dump several inches of rain moved into the area. On the next trip, we confirmed that nearly half of the cavefish we observed were this new species.”
Super. Can we please mention the size and relative amount of damage one should expect if we mayhap upon a Demon Fish while scuba diving for radioactive shrimp under a military base that used to create CHEMICAL WEAPONS, and buried these weapons in the ground so this groundwater became a creature feature, starring, Demon Fish? I feel certain there are very likely giant, globulous, blood-sucking jellyfish within this little slice of hell on earth, too.
Please advise forthwith, thankyouverymuch. We’ll check our messages when we get back from selling our radioactive shrimps to Walmart. (I’m not sure where that came from, as I do not scuba dive, nor do I sell radioactive shrimp. I apologize.)
The article goes on to further describe the Demon Cave Fish as ‘sightless by choice’ because it lives in a cave and the need to have eyeballs was pretty nil, so they eventually grew over with these special little skin patches that are so fucking scary I can’t stand it.
Maybe, just maybe, they stopped having eyes so they quit startling the shit out of each other when they got close enough to see one another in the dark. And maybe, just maybe, they didn’t choose to have their eyes grow into weird little holes that look a lot where my breast cancer was removed, maybe it was because…
“The conditions in Bobcat Cave have likely been influenced by the history of the military base above it. Redstone Arsenal made various chemical weapons during World War II. At the end of the war, vast quantities of chemical munitions were buried at the site, along with chemical weapons from overseas, like British mustard gas and nerve agents and other toxic weapons recovered from Nazi Germany”
I mean, would it be beyond the pale to consider that these fish might have had their eyeballs burned clean out by underwater mustard gas ground farts and didn’t choose it at all?
In my best Ancient Aliens narrator voice:
Perhaps.
Also, further reading confirms that these creatures are only a centimeter long, so it will be at least 20 years before they get big enough to need Godzilla. Do protect your Sea Monkeys, though. I’m sure the eyeless bastards would gladly eat Carmine and Estrella Seamonkey if they got a chance.
Until next time, revel in the wonders of science, even if it’s uncomfortable. And stop polluting the water, wouldja? Cheesus Pleasus, it’s creating new species of potential boogins and we have more than enough demons in this world already.
Please be safe out there. And remember to turn it up.
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