Breaking the Impasse

Every time there is a possible threat of a government shutdown, it reminds me of how entrenched both sides of the political spectrum have become in their positions. In fact, they seem to be playing a version of “chicken,” or perhaps looking at one another until one of them “blinks,” and gives up their position. Situations like these frequent government shutdown scenarios regularly occur between co-parents when they cannot agree on something.

I recently had a case where two parents are separating; they have a young child. Each parent wanted the child to attend a different school. The mother has moved about an hour away and wants to enroll the child in a school in her town. The father wants the child to continue to attend the same school that is located near his house (the current school).

There is no way for these parents to compromise, as they can only send the child to one school. This is not something that even King Solomon would be able to help solve, as there is no way to “cut the baby in half.”

This scenario highlights how two parents can communicate incompletely. To resolve the impasse, it was important for both parents to understand each other better rather than, as happened previously, make assumptions about each other’s positions based on what they were feeling at that time.

That is why I prefer to use a “transformative” method of mediation. This approach has the focus on the person, not just their point of view (e.g., emotions of fear, powerlessness, etc.). In engineering terms, it may be called “root cause analysis” (that will be a subject for another article in the future).

By helping both parents work through their feelings (i.e., recognition, respect, etc.), I was able to help both parents rediscover the confidence they have in making their own decision (empowerment) as well as listen to what the other parent is feeling (recognition). With these concepts in place, it naturally caused both parents to soften their previous positions toward one another. A workable solution was then able to be reached.

The purpose of transformative mediation is not to force compromises onto parents; rather, the goal of transformative mediation is to re-establish effective communication between the two parents, which would promote healthy conversations leading to more successful agreements and ultimately healthier outcomes for both parents and their children.

By achieving this level of communication, the parents discussed and came to an agreement; they did this with the understanding of what would be in the best interest of their child.

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