To celebrate my graduation from high school in June of 2003, my mom took me on a road trip from San Francisco to Los Angeles. We drove down the 101 in a rental car and were the tourists we wanted to be. My mom and I have always—even much into my adulthood—been the kind to hold hands. I love holding hands with my mom and walking down the street. Or sitting on the couch, watching TV, holding hands.
In 2003, I was very religious. Instead of a school ring for graduation, I got a promise ring from James Avery. It was a promise that I wouldn’t have sex before marriage. Inside the ring, it was engraved with “Phil 4:13”.
Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through him who strengthens me."
Spoiler: I couldn’t do all things. Turns out, I didn’t want to “save” myself for marriage at a time a little later in my life. But for a few years there, I was very dedicated to Jesus. And I really thought that Jesus believed being gay was a sin. So when I realized I was holding my mom’s hand on Pier 39 in San Fransisco—THE GAY CAPITAL OF AMERICA—I recoiled and snatched my hand back. “I don’t want anyone thinking we’re a couple,” I told my mom.
When we got to Santa Barbara, my mom reconnected with some friends of her’s—Stan and Joanna. Stan worked in radio and showed me his home studio. I was immediately obsessed. We went out to dinner and it’s the first (and maybe only) time I ever saw someone send a bottle of wine back, because it was corked. These were mom’s fancy, cultured friends. Stan was shocked I—as an 18-year-old—didn’t want any of the expensive wine he and Joanna offered me. “It’s okay. We won’t tell anyone,” they kept telling me.
Stan talked about how Beck was playing with The Black Keys at the Santa Barbara Bowl the next night. I didn’t like booze (yet), but I loved music (always).
The next night, June 26th, I took my first cab from my Stan and Joanna’s home to the Santa Barbara Bowl. I bought my first ticket from a scalper—a physical ticket that I paid cash for. I watched and danced to The Black Keys and then Beck, by myself. Feeling a sort of freedom that would pull me forward for the next two and some change decades. I made a silent pact with myself to never miss the important music moments—especially not the live music moments.
In 2008/09/10/11, I had a radio show in Jackson, Wyoming at a community station called KHOL. I was here in Jackson, trying to make it as a graphic designer/writer/music lover. There was much blogging. There were so many website banners designed.
On KHOL, I played a lot of the indie hits that I had become obsessed with and new songs and genres I tried on like party dresses to see what really best showed people (and myself) who I was. Namely, I was obsessed with this mash-up:
Mash-ups were SUCH a thing of the time. Remember Girl Talk???? I lost my flip phone in a field at a Girl Talk concert once.
My friend Andy started joining me on some mornings in the booth, to play some of his favorites. We were the first to play Lady Gaga’s “Born this Way” on KHOL, thanks to Andy.
Andy and I never talked about his sexuality. I wanted so badly to say, out loud, “I know you’re gay and I am so okay with that. I—admittedly—used to not be okay with that and I feel so ashamed and sorry, but I want you to know how much I support you!” But I never said that. It was a confessional I selfishly wanted. To be fair, I don’t think Andy wanted to talk about it, either. Being the only gay guy in a Wyoming town in 2010 was scary. So instead, we played The Black Keys and Arcade Fire and Beck and Lady Gaga and talked about the movie The Room.
Andy and I both left and returned to Jackson like a toxic, lovable ex-boyfriend. Often, passionately, and fully aware of the hold he has over us. In 2012, Andy was living in Chicago, enrolled at iO Theatre, studying improv. I came out to visit him in June, after going to a wedding in Michigan.
“It’s Pride,” Andy said, “so meet me in Boystown as soon as you get here.”
This was the closest Andy ever came to formally coming out to me. But through the rest of the night—my first Pride—it was VERY apparent just how gay and fabulous Andy is. It was one of the most fun nights of my life. I got to dance with a bunch of shirtless ripped men, without worrying about my safety.
Andy and I had liquor poured down our throats from men in only jean shorts, standing on a bar. We danced so hard to Lady Gaga. I was on cloud nine. I wasn’t a bigot anymore. I wasn’t a prude anymore. I had so many mixed drinks and danced with so many gay guys and bought shots for anyone who was nice to me and took shots from anyone offering. I was basically Leslie Knope going to a gay bar for the first time.
And then Andy and I got Chicago dogs and all was right in the world.
Last week, I realized I hadn’t gotten a ticket to Jackson’s Pride Drag Show. It sold out. I was so bummed. I’ve been to countless drag shows and Pride celebrations in my time, but never one in Jackson, Wyoming. During my 2024/2025 stint working at KHOL (if didn’t work out, I don’t wanna talk about it), I became friends with a great DJ and promoter who was putting on the event. I texted Ethan asking if there was any way I could get a ticket. He told me it was really sold out and he was sorry, but he’d had a ton of people asking.
Andy is not living in Jackson anymore—it has broken his heart again in ways that feel unimaginable to the rest of us. As his friend, I feel like screaming at Jackson, “Stay away from him!” But Andy has been here for a couple weeks to tie up many loose ends and also honor his recently passed mother with a beautiful memorial. I texted Andy, thinking there would be no way he was going to this Pride event, but wanted to see.
He said he wouldn’t miss it and that he was going to get me a ticket.
The Pride Drag Show was SO MUCH FUN. I danced with Andy—12 years later—just loving on him and the community so hard. It felt so special to be with Andy for my first Pride and my most recent Pride. HAPPY PRIDE, ALL!!
I ran into Ethan and gave him a big hug.
Me: I made it!
Ethan: I know! I was laughing: Yesterday, I got a text from the organizer of the event, saying that she needed one VIP table and it would be for, number one: Andrew Munz. Number two: Rachel Stevens. *we laughed.* I was like, of course Rachel goes from needing a ticket to being at the only VIP table!
Me: Oh my goddddd that’s great. This is such a good event, too, Ethan. And my first sober Pride! My first sober drag show!
Ethan: Sober? Why? Just taking a break?
Me: Oh, yeah, no sober like for real… because I had a problem.
I think this was the first time I said it like this to a casual friend. I immediately regretted it. Not because of any way Ethan reacted. He was great, but still, I immediately felt shame—self-imposed. I got scared that he would assume that me “having a problem” meant that’s why some of my music career inspirations didn’t work out. It’s also such a declaration: a problem. If I keep talking about it like the problem it is, it’s gonna be a lot harder to ever fuck up again. Why am I putting so much accountability into my words? It’s such a small community. Why am I out here talking about my problems? Overshare Stevens strikes again.
Last night, I got to go see The Black Keys up on Snow King Mountain with Evan and Marcelline. It was the second time I’ve seen them… 23 years later, only shy by a couple weeks of it being to the day.
All the sudden, up on the mountain, my anxiety hit. Does everyone here know I have a “drinking problem”? There were people I didn’t want to run into, but so many more that I did want to see, who I basically ran to. Marcelline ran around with friends, who are my roommate from 2008/2009’s kids (so special!). I watched Marcelline blow bubbles from this bubble gun in so many peoples’ faces—some who I feel like deserved it (my daughter out here getting vengeance), but mostly just people trying to enjoy a concert without that soapy taste in their mouth. The anxiety kicked in harder and I wished I was drinking. I miss the crutch. The escape.
Before The Black Keys went on, I sat with my friend Alaina and we talked about the most important current events—the Summer House scandal and reunion. In this talk about reality television and bad behavior, my friend said something that made me stop in my tracks. I made her repeat it, so I could write it down in my Notes app.
“That which you accept about yourself, no one can hold against you.”
It seems to be a variation on the Audra Lorde quote. Wow. I mean, I know we were talking about reality TV stars, but I needed to hear that. I’ve accepted so many dark things about my own self and my own life and not only does that mean that no one else can hold them against me, but also my life is SO MUCH brighter, because of that acceptance.
I danced to some of my favorite Black Keys songs with my baby girl. Evan and I cuddle and swayed to the music, while my friend captured this sneaky photo that feels like a Normal Rockwellian representation of concerts in Jackson.
The photo seems to show less fun than I was having, but I was so happy, being with the love of my life at this special show. I hugged so many friends and tried to keep tags on all of our kids running around on the mountain together. I didn’t drink as I watched these special music moments. I held my daughter’s hand, proudly. I walked around the concert—hand-in-hand with Marcelline—so grateful for this connection and this love and this music and these friends and this place. Even if Jackson is such a saucy, toxic minx of a gossip sometimes, it feels brighter here when I’ve accepted all the darkness about myself.
Jam Of The Week: PawPaw Rod – Give It To Me Straight.
(obsessed with new PawPaw Rod. the whole album is spectacular.)My God It’s REAL.
(“We did not send this to any dads.” lolz. I went to a TWO HOUR CLASS PICNIC in the middle of the day yesterday… a Monday… definitely a workday.)My Brilliant/Hilarious Friend Wrote About GLP-1s.
(stop policing women’s bodies, okay? let us live!)I Want This Sweatshirt.
(maybe not for $70… but you know what? I do love that publication and their work, so maybe this is how I support them. also, BUTTER YELLOW IS EVERYWHERE.)I Love Cole.
(they are the funniest person on the planet right now. and so fashiony!)V Into This Art Piece.
(how it was made.)This Is Great Music Content.
(uh.)I Think About This Bit ALL The Time.
(it’s so true. Texas public school did me no favors. I know nothing about history.)YUP.
Ha!
Are you excited about Summer? HOLY HELL I AM. Summer of Freedom, we’re calling it in my household. I just need the sun and some bike ganging and some lemonade and some more dance parties with friends and lots and lots of swimming. Hope to see you out there! Thanks for being here.
xxo,
Rachel.
Comments
Nothing yet. Say the first thing.
Sign in to join the conversation.