Last week, I got my issue of the latest BUST magazine in the mail as well as a few more from the publication itself. I wrote a feature on Hayden Panettiere and her new memoir: This Is Me: A Reckoning.
I reread it and cringed a little, not thinking it was my best work. (this happens sometimes. not my best work, not my worst work… I hardly reread anything I ever send to print.) But I remembered my conversation with Hayden and felt warm about our time together. On Saturday, Evan, Marcelline, and I went over to Idaho for a family birthday celebration and I brought a copy of this BUST issue to my teenage niece, thinking she might like it.
Sunday night, after I had taken my Melatonin and was beyond exhausted, I got the notification: “Hayden Panettiere Dies at Age 36.”
“NO!” I gasp-yelled aloud, by myself in my dark living room.
The piece I wrote for BUST1 is a feature on Hayden Panettiere and her book. The following is an essay about my time reading Hayden’s book, my personal thoughts on her life and the people in it, and our time talking…
Trigger Warning: Domestic Violence and Addiction.
When the (partial, redacted) Epstein Files were released in January, I started to recognize how many horrible things happen behind closed doors in Jackson Hole, because men with money can literally get away with anything in this country and people in Jackson have so much money. This place protects rich white men like its canon. “Jackson Hole” appears 241 times. Wilson Wyoming, Teton, Jackson, WY, and other combinations appear dozens of times themselves. I shouldn’t be shocked that no news outlets here have really dove into that, but I am.
I didn’t know about Brian Hickerson beating Hayden Panettiere until I told a friend about my BUST assignment and she replied, “Did her boyfriend get arrested in Jackson once?” It was only because a neighbor overheard a domestic dispute behind closed doors in Jackson and called the cops that Brian Hickerson was arrested for hitting Hayden in 2020.
I hated that this place I love and live in has been such a hard place for so many women—for Hayden, who I was about to interview. I read the parts of Hayden’s book about how her drinking and opioid addiction were entangled with her abusive relationship with Brian. I hated him. I watched this maddening video of the absolute creep basically getting away with everything:
I saw that Hayden was seen with Brian Hickerson a week before our interview and my heart sank. I intended to ask her about it the morning of May 6th, during our Zoom meeting. She had been so convicted in the book that he was wrong for her. And then six minutes before the interview, I was emailed by Hayden’s people telling me I wasn’t allowed to ask about her former or current romantic relationships.
On Zoom, of course, the first question I asked was how she was doing.
“I’m doing great,” Hayden told me. “I feel great. I feel healthy mentally, physically.”
I can’t believe that 102 days later she was dead.
Hayden and I talked about her early years as a child actor. She LOVED acting and loved performing, but when she got older in the heyday of paparazzi, she felt like she couldn’t move, couldn’t stumble, couldn’t gain weight, without it being on the front page of a tabloid the next day. She couldn’t breathe. I brought up a quote from another interview where she said, “I wouldn’t wish child stardom on my worst enemy.” (on Instagram I wrongly stated that she said this during MY interview. apologies!!)
She told me, “Once you cross over that threshold into stardom, there is no going, ‘I’m not sure I like it here.’”
It was too late for Hayden and she never had any say in it. Hayden’s childhood was a huge part of the most difficult decision she’s ever made: giving full custody of her daughter, Kaya, to Kaya’s father, who lives in Ukraine. She gifted her child something that she was never given.
“My daughter is growing up in a completely different world and far away from this industry. She’s getting to grow up as a normal kid. With privacy.”
I couldn’t help but feel the magnitude of this gift—something I so wish Hayden would’ve had an ounce of through her life. Hayden was given “happy pills” to deal with the stress and anxiety of fame at the age of 15. She was criticized about her body and choices almost daily by the media. Her mom was trying to squeeze every ounce of money out of Hayden. Her brother was trying to break into Hollywood and expected Hayden to make it happen for him when he didn’t have the spark for acting himself. Hayden’s dad was arrested for domestic abuse charges against her mom. I didn’t even know where to start with how to navigate her trauma and confessions in this book and in her life.
The morning of our interview, Us magazine published a cover story about Hayden coming out as bisexual in the book. For a couple minutes, I wondered if that should be my focus. But that story felt like such a small detail compared to the one in This Is Me when Hayden was (unsuccessfully, thank god) sex-trafficked to an A-list actor on a yacht by her friend. I am obviously so naive about how prevalent sex-trafficking is. If it could happen to a famous teenager, of course it’s happening to so many other young girls. I thought of the Epstein files. I thought—naively, still in May—that we were going to collectively burn all these pedophiles and sex-traffickers to the ground. I wanted her to give names. I asked her if she’d confronted them.
“I don’t have to address them and sit them down and have a one-on-one conversation with them about it. But they’re gonna read about it or they’re gonna know somebody who read about it. And it’s gonna get to them.”
I was so unsatisfied with Hayden’s answer. I wanted something to respond with, “WE RIDE AT DAWN FOR YOU, HAYDEN!” But I had to respect her wishes. She had just published a wildly honest tell-all memoir.
My heart aches now remembering all the things Hayden and I talked about that had broken us both. We both dealt with postpartum depression. We both turned to alcohol in a new way during that postpartum depression. I told her I was newly sober. We talked about how lonely recovery can be. I couldn’t imagine if I was in the public eye.
We both had younger siblings who had long battles with addiction. Her brother Jansen died in 2023.
“I wish I could tell you it gets better with time… but the grief morphs.”
I told Hayden how sorry I was and how I spent years trying to ready my nervous system for what felt like the inevitable death of my sister.
“There’s no ready for that. There never will be,” Hayden said. “I’m sorry to hear you’re going through that.”
I told her my sister has actually been clean for two years now and she said, “Fantastic. That’s fantastic. Good. I’ll keep her in my prayers.”
I didn’t know Hayden. I only spent 27 minutes with her. But she was such a kind presence and such a generous interview. I listen to my recording back and hear Hayden’s care and genuine interest in me. I tried to end the interview by applauding her for writing such a vulnerable book. I tell her I know a little bit about how hard it is, because I’m writing a book that’s a collection of personal essays. I told her it was about shame.
Hayden: How do we process shame? That should be an entire book of essays.
Me: Yeah, the working title is The Patron Saint of Fuck-Ups.
Hayden: Oh, I love it. It sounds right up my alley.
(we both laugh.)
Hayden: Well, I will read it.
Me: Oh, thank you. That is very kind of you.
Around a month after my interview with Hayden, the one where I wanted to ask her about Brian Hickerson and to tell her to stay the fuck away from him, I was privy to a loved one being involved in a domestic violence situation. I was shocked at how normal it was for this woman. How she immediately brushed it all under the rug and said she needed him and that she egged him on and how no one should worry. I realized how little I understood about the psychology of an abusive relationship. How much more complicated it was than I’d understood just a month earlier, talking to Hayden. There was nothing I could say, beyond, “I’m here for you. I love you. I’m here if you ever want to burn that man-child to the ground Earl Had to Die style.”
I thought of Hayden Panettiere. How she was doing. How she had been seen more and more with Brian Hickerson. How I’m not her friend, I’m just someone who interviewed her. How she’s not my friend, but she said she’d read my book. How it seemed Hayden had never known a moment of peace in her life and how I wanted to burn everyone who was supposed to love and care for her down Earl Had to Die style, because of it.
Tonight, I listen to as many sweet moments of our 27 minute interview as I can stomach. I skip through her reliving her pain and try to find her happy moments. She seemed so good. Her voice was bright and clear as she said,
“I just hope that by sharing my stories and really, really allowing myself to go there and be completely an open book, pun intended, that it will help people out there who are struggling to overcome their obstacles and help them feel less alone. Let them know that they’re not by themselves and that they can make it through it.”
Rest in peace, sweet Hayden. Thank you for those 27 minutes of togetherness. You made me feel so loved and so much less alone.
Jam Of The Week: Phoebe Bridgers – Lost Weekend.
(this album has been on repeat since Friday, especially the title track. new vinyl—purchased! Pitchfork calls Lost Weekend “the loneliest music Bridgers has ever made” and that makes me want to just weep. loneliness has been such a theme of my sadness this past year and now it has a soundtrack.)My BFF Sent This Book.
(I’m excited to read it, but damn do I have a large stack of TO READS for someone who reads as slow as I do.)I Wanna See This Film.
(when do you think it comes to Wyoming?? lolz. maybe this year’s Frank’s Fall Film Festival??)Evan Gifted Me These Candle Sticks.
(I’m obsessed.)I Smell Like This Lately.
(I wanted a summer scent to let my winter scent take a break, but I love warmness. plus my mom and my forever 27-year-old mentor Anne always smell like amber, so this comforts me.)Getting One Of These For Lunch Notes.
(but which size??)91 Joyful Things.
(Ariel is the best.)I’ve Watched This A Hundred Times.
(“that’s fuckin’ ohana.” “why do you smell that ballsack sleep pants kid??”)I’m Excited-About-A-New-Shower-Curtain Old
(okay, but the dark orange color, right?)Sex-Ed Is So Important, Y’all.
(a young nurse-in-training at the hospital I was at in Idaho put my catheter in the wrong hole.)Yup.
YUP.
It’s been an emotional week. Thank you for being here week after week… or even if you’re new! Thank you for being here, regardless. Sharing our vulnerabilities and hard times with each other is when we remember we’re all just humans out here, doing our best. I’m doing my best. I know you are, too. You’re amazing.
xxo,
Rachel.
Thanks for reading The Messayist! This post is public so feel free to share it. Sharing really helps with all the internet numbers things that help me eventually someday sell a book… one that Hayden Panettiere would’ve read. 💔
I emailed my BUST editor, letting her know about Hayden and asking if they were going to put the feature online anytime soon. For the reasons that make me respect BUST even more, the magazine is going to wait until this dust settles to publish my Hayden Panettiere feature online. And they’re no longer on any newsstands, so the magazine is subscription only. If you want to read my piece in the next week or so, you have to invest in print media and subscribe to BUST magazine.
And while you’re investing in writing, you should really buy and read Hayden’s book.
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