The Courage to Be Disliked

For the longest time, I thought being a good person meant being agreeable

• Being understanding.

• Giving grace.

• Avoiding conflict.

• Keeping the peace.

• Making sure everyone felt comfortable around me.

• Making sure nobody had a reason to dislike me.

And if they did, I would spend an unhealthy amount of time trying to figure out why.

• What did I do wrong?

• Did I say something offensive?

• Could I have handled it better?

• Should I apologize?

• Should I explain myself?

• Should I try harder?

Looking back, I realize I wasn't keeping the peace. I was people-pleasing. And those two things are not the same.

Recently, I've been on a very strict medication. I'm not about to go into details, but it involves my mental health and my heart/stress levels.

Sitting in my doctor's office one day, listening to instructions, medications, side effects, lifestyle adjustments, I had a very uncomfortable thought.

I could literally drop dead one day. Not today, hopefully. Not anytime soon. But one day.

And suddenly, a lot of the things I had been carrying started to feel smaller.

• The need to be liked.

• The need to be understood.

• The need to constantly prove that I'm a good person.

• The need to keep fixing relationships that only I seemed interested in fixing.

• The need to make sure nobody was upset with me.

It all felt exhausting. Because if my life ended tomorrow, none of those things would be what mattered.

What would matter?

• The memories I made.

• The people I loved.

• The places I went.

• The laughter.

• The moments of joy.

• The life I actually lived.

• The times I was genuinely proud of myself

• The things I achieved, for myself (not for the applause of anyone)

Not the endless effort I put into managing people's opinions of me.

Now, before someone misunderstands me, this is not permission to become unkind.

Some people genuinely need grace.

Life is hard. People are carrying burdens we know nothing about. The economy is difficult. Relationships are complicated. Everybody is fighting battles.

I understand that.

I believe in kindness.

I believe in compassion.

I believe in extending grace where possible. But I am also learning that extending grace to others should not require abandoning yourself.

Because somewhere along the line, many of us learned a dangerous lesson.

• We learned that being good means being endlessly accommodating.

• We learned that saying "no" is rude.

• That disagreement is disrespect.

• That boundaries are selfish.

• That expressing hurt is drama.

• That walking away is cruelty.

• That protecting your peace is somehow a character flaw.

So we stay. We tolerate. We over-explain. We remain silent. We smile through disrespect. We accept treatment we would never advise someone else to accept.

And we call it maturity.

But maturity is not the inability to disappoint people.

Maturity is understanding that sometimes people will be disappointed by your decisions and you must survive that.

That is the courage to be disliked.

• The courage to be disliked is not about making enemies.

• It is not about becoming difficult.

• It is not about being rude.

• It is the courage to say: "No." "I disagree." "That hurt me." "I cannot do that." "I don't have capacity for this right now." "This relationship is no longer healthy for me."

And then allowing people to have whatever opinion they choose afterward.

One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn is that knowing someone for a long time does not automatically mean they treat you well.

History is not the same thing as health. Length is not the same thing as quality.

Some friendships survive for years on familiarity alone.

Some relationships survive on guilt.

Some connections survive because one person keeps carrying them.

And when you finally stop carrying them, they collapse. Not because you failed. But because they were never standing on two legs to begin with.

I used to think every broken bridge needed to be repaired. Now I know some bridges remain broken because only one person was maintaining them.

And trying to rebuild every bridge can become another form of self-abandonment.

The older I get, the more I realize I do not want to spend my life keeping score.

• I don't want to spend it replaying conversations.

• Wondering who likes me.

• Wondering who doesn't.

• Trying to convince people to see my value.

• Trying to earn a seat at tables where my presence is merely tolerated.

That sounds exhausting. I want to spend the time I have being happy.

I want to make memories.

I want to go out more.

Take pictures.

Love the people who love me.

Do meaningful work.

Serve God.

Laugh loudly.

Write honestly.

And sleep peacefully at night.

Because life is too fragile to spend it performing. Too short to spend it proving. Too precious to spend it chasing approval.

And maybe the courage to be disliked is simply this: Realizing that being loved by the right people is far more valuable than being approved of by everyone.

And maybe adulthood is learning that not everyone needs access to you.

Not everyone needs an explanation.

Not everyone needs to agree with you.

And not everyone will like you.

That's okay.

You're not ice cream.

(And apparently I don't even like ice cream 😂).

So you'll be good.

All my love,

Star Girl Mercy ❤️