Toilet paper math is rigged

A large toilet paper brand insists that 6 of their “mega” rolls equals 24 regular rolls. Another company insists that 36 rolls of their toilet paper equals 39,600 sheets, particularly for their 1100 model of toilet paper roll, the upgrade from the 1000 model. Finally, one company that uses an angelic baby in their logo says their mega rolls are “our thickest mega ever.” One assumes that some kind of breakthrough in toilet paper technology produced an incredibly dense sheet. Notably, their marketing department was proud enough of their engineers to tell us about the accomplishment. To me, it sounds a little alarming.

As someone that struggled with infarctions, because my math teacher died of a heart attack, I’m in particular trouble with this confusing toilet paper math. It’s affecting my daily life. My house has two toddlers, meaning there’s a lot of toilet paper used. The toilet clogs at least once a week because they like to see the roll spin. Their fun and games means I need a plunger in every bathroom. In fact, if a politician ran on “a plunger at every toilet” instead of “a chicken in every pot,” they’d get my vote.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that like marijuana, toilet paper has become too powerful. Mega rolls, with their exponential sheet multiplier effect, have created a dangerous plumbing situation. The government should do something about it.

It’s time to regulate. The government could start a new campaign, starting on Black Friday 2025. That’s a day that involves a lot of toilet paper as we recover from the previous day’s festivities. They can call the campaign “Stats in the Streets, Freak in the Sheets,” to be run by the Bureau of Labor Statistics (because pooping is sometimes laborious, especially after a lot of mashed potatoes with gravy.)

Since we’re recently looking at widespread reforms of the BLS analysis machine, we might as well give them something else to do besides ask people if they have a job or not. This way, the government can examine how much labor is being put into wiping butts in America. We can endlessly investigate companies ripping us off every time we rip off a piece of TP, and promise future prosecution but never deliver. It’s a great jobs program.

You might think this is frivolous, but ask yourself: do you have time to calculate the amount of mega rolls you need in order to make your bathroom tolerable, even enjoyable? Do you carry a calculator in your pocket everywhere you go?

Of course you do, it’s on your phone. But if you’re like me, you don’t have time for that sort of thing. It’s the perfect thing to outsource to the butt-wiping taxpayer, since it’s of public concern. It’s time, everyone, to dispose with toilet paper math.

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