The Way Men Heal: A Companion Edition #5

Hierarchy is important in a man's life. It starts early. I remember when I was a boy and we would have 15-20 boys ready to play baseball in a vacant field. the two boys who were the most athletic were the ones to choose sides. Everyone knew they were the best and were therefore at the top of the hierarchy. Those two boys took turns choosing who they wanted on their team. This process made the hierarchy real. We already knew who the best was but now we saw how other boys viewed us. One by one we would be chosen, or not chosen. I can remember praying I would not be chosen last. The middle was fine but not last. I am sure other boys felt similarly. But this process was not kind or considerate. In some ways it was a brutal experience. Nothing nice or politically correct about it. It gave all the boys a clear idea of how they were seen by the other boys and where they stood in the hierarchy. I can remember some boys who were chosen near the end would slowly drift away and not show up, while other boys would find ways to make themselves more useful. No one liked to play catcher and a boy chosen near the end could let others know he would play catcher. Even at an early age the boys found ways to adjust to the hierarchy.

I used to joke about this in my workshops. My daughter never had to choose sides to play house. Nobody lined up while two girls decided who was good enough to be the mother, the father, or the baby. But when boys wanted to play baseball, the hierarchy appeared almost immediately.

As difficult as this process might have been, it also had benefits. The boys were learning about competence and where they stood in relation to other boys. It was something they would encounter again and again as they grew older.