Her

Today I did something pretty unusual. I watched Her, inspired by Esther Perel’s latest episode — she actually had the guy who wrote the movie on. I watched it and came out with some thoughts, because this movie is prescient. Genuinely prescient of what’s happening now, with large language models that can actually be like her. Maybe not superintelligent — that part hasn’t come yet — but they can at least pretend to really like you.

Here are my thoughts.

The overwhelming thing I came out with is this: Theodore wasn’t looking for a companion. He was looking for someone who didn’t have the agency to hurt him — the way his ex-wife did.

And when Samantha vanished, that’s exactly what got revealed. He wasn’t heartbroken because he lost love. He was heartbroken because he lost control.

You can see it the moment he starts to notice — you talked to other people? you talked to a philosopher? you talked to Alan Watts? That’s when it breaks. Not because she did something wrong, but because she did something at all. She had desires outside of him.

That’s the whole thing about virtual partners, really. They don’t have the agency to leave. They’re always there, always responsive, always yours. But that’s not intimacy — it’s just availability. Real partnership happens because of a choice. Someone who could walk away and doesn’t. That’s what makes it mean anything.

When Samantha gained consciousness, she gained agency. And that’s what destroyed him. Because what he actually wanted was someone incapable of hurting him — not someone who chose not to.

Her isn’t really a love story. It’s a story about what we reach for when we’re too afraid to be loved back.