Ben and his husband share tasks as much as they can. What surprised Ben is that he isn’t subject to the comments, criticisms and subtle judgements many mothers face, but is instead congratulated for doing the bare minimum.
Ben and his partner have found that, with the support that comes from an equal partnership, the hard days are somehow a little less hard. There are difficult moments too, subtle assumptions, questions about where their son’s mother is and quick, polite corrections.
They have to pay more attention around Mother’s Day and check with the school that their son won’t be asked to draw a card for mum. It’s not ‘pure harmony’ at home, he says. They have the usual disagreements most couples have, but to avoid anything escalating, tasks are discussed and divided. They also have full confidence in the ability of the other to do everything needed for the household to function – which is not always the case in heterosexual couples, where women in particular become more proficient in domestic tasks.
Breadwinners paperback is out soon
This specialisation can lead to women losing trust in their partners to get it right and end up ‘gatekeeping’, leaving them detailed lists or constantly checking in – something I’ve certainly done in the kitchen. It’s demotivating at best, demoralising at worst for the partner trying to help out if someone else is hovering about telling them they would do it differently. Even if you eat later than planned, as long as it’s nourishing and everyone is fed, that’s the most important thing. Even if you’re more proficient in the kitchen, without leaving your partner to it they’d never learn to improve.
Clearly those of us in heterosexual relationships can improve upon how we counter gender expectations and the stereotypes. Given that there is a clear link between unequal housework and unhappier relationships, we would all do well to remember that dividing tasks at home is better for the entire family’s well-being, leads to closer bonds and allows both in the relationship equal time to focus on work.
If this sounds a bit simplistic, take that as a positive, and know that we can all start by communicating how much time each of us spends on tasks and then dividing them according to either skill set or time available. If one in the couple is the higher earner by a large margin, be aware that continuing to prioritise their career and working hours will push this gap even higher.
If one of you works part-time, then divide leisure time away from children – for those who have them – equally, so that each person can hold on to their own identity and follow their own passions. Carving out equal leisure time will allow each partner to pursue their own hobbies and foster more gratitude in the relationship, hopefully making them feel more fulfilled and present in family life. For those reading this without children and considering having them later, noting these patterns early on and discussing who will take on which areas of housework and childcare will help prevent future resentment building up.
Often it’s only once children are in the mix that couples confront expectations of divisions of care, because until then nobody has the responsibility to be home at a particular time. The earlier conversations can be had, the greater chance you’ll have of tackling these responsibilities more equally from the outset. If you need another reason to do this, discrepancies in how couples perceive their division of housework can be a major source of relationship dissatisfaction and can even lead to divorce. When couples disagree on their division of housework, even if men believe they contribute equally, women often feel they shoulder a heavier burden. This perception gap leads to lower relationship satisfaction for both partners, with women more likely to consider separation.
Resentment and hostility can also fester. Remember that one person in a relationship tends to do more invisible work, which often isn’t realised by the other because it’s so hard to measure. If couples take stock and recognise these contributions, and divide what can be divided, it is bound to lead to greater relationship satisfaction too.
The first step is the awareness of what needs doing, followed by making a conscious effort to divide and conquer. So, take note: if you’re the one who persistently anticipates needing to do laundry, but your partner will only do it when they have run out of underwear, then talk about it. It may be that they don’t see the need to do it as often, or simply don’t think about it as much because you’ve always anticipated it, leading to greater resentment over time
You might also like:
Breadwinners is packed with research, real-life stories, and practical advice for navigating the power dynamics at play in our lives. Buy it for a friend, or consider leaving a review or rating here (you don’t need to have bought it from there to do so).
No posts
Comments
Nothing yet. Say the first thing.
Sign in to join the conversation.