Reflections on growing up in the Bay Area

Left to right. Mother JoAn, Father Clair. Brother Wayne, Mel, Brother Russell (in front of Dad).

There is a story behind getting our sailboat from where we were living in Lafayette, California to the Puget Sound. Initially, our father set sail with Wayne to make the journey up the coast. Wayne got so sick that they had to return before getting very far. My father then set sail alone and made it as far as Point Arena when he started to sink due to some damage to the boat (I don’t recall how that happened). He was rescued by the Coast Guard. The boat was towed back to Lafayette where it was ultimately hitched to the back of our car. We drove up to Washington. Most of the stay as I recall was on Orcas Island (one of the San Juan Islands). Our family friends the Dormans joined us there for a time. Jillian Dorman was my close friend at the time. We both went to Pinel School for 6 years together. Her father was one of the founders of the school. Based on the SummerHill philosophy that children can chart the course of their own education and that teachers are more like resources for learning.

Of course there was a lot brewing under the surface including our father’s desire to leave the marriage and our mother’s depression. All three of us went to Pinel. Being in a very unstructured environment for a fairly long period of time had an impact on all of us. The big plus for me with Pinel was the access to lots of creative opportunities like starting my study of textiles through weaving and dyeing fabric for example. We also had access to a full ceramics studio with a wheel and a kiln. We explored raku firing in a hole in the ground. Writing poetry was a favorite subject along with spending time in our library. Sometimes we would get so bored that we would ask to learn algebra or some other academic subject. Teachers could often be found playing backgammon or the guitar. Unfortunately, some of the Elders at the school including parents, teachers and student teachers were engaging in sexual relationships (I later realized the abusive nature of these) with students.

Pinel Brochure cover. Martinez, California.

It was a shock later when I was 12-13 and we all went on a camping trip with Pinel except our father. Upon our return home, we found that our Dad had moved out. Later he would call me on the phone to tell me that he wasn’t coming back. I can still remember where I was when I received the call. I had curled myself up sitting on a ledge near the kitchen where there was a phone attached to the wall.

My father had done some construction work for Barbara and her then husband. Shortly thereafter, they would move in together and she would get her marriage annulled. Barbara was larger than life and my Dad was thrilled to be with her. Our mother suffered deeply after he left. She was stretched beyond her capacity to cope, so we all ended up having to fend for ourselves. None of us faired well from the divorce except our father and Barbara.

A big turning point for me was when I decided to move into an ashram at age 16. I couldn’t wait to get out of our Berkeley flat that became our home after the move from the house in Lafayette. My father had appointed me the family grocery shopper and cook at age 11. I continued this role to a large degree until I moved out.

The main thing that stands out for me looking back is how alone I was without parental guidance. Also how unsafe it was for me to grow up in Berkeley without protection from predators. Nobody had taught me about my own value and how to say no. The ashram provided some refuge, but I also was subjected to a good deal of neglect in that environment. The impact of the yoga practice was profound. I had all kinds of far out experiences that I talk about in some of the podcasts I have done. Ultimately, I would realize that I had been part of a cult and would be grateful that I left the ashram after 9 months. My parents would visit on occasion, but I didn’t see them often. I never moved back “home” and started college at age 17 at college of Marin.

Mel, Wayne, Russell, Barbara (second wife of our Dad), Clair. Walnut Creek, California.

Before marriage, our mom was a journalist. She loved to write and was a naturally social person. She had degrees Far Eastern studies as well as journalism. Later in life when she lived in Seattle, she would get a Master’s degree in Social Work and Women’s studies.

I often thought growing up that she wasn’t happy being a mother. It would have been so much better for her to have been able to continue pursuing her interests. She helped our Dad with his construction business and ended up getting a job as a Nursery School Director (when I was appointed the cooking job at age 11). She often seemed unhappy and unfulfilled. Our Dad on the other hand was a dreamer who saw himself sailing around the world and writing a novel. He also dealt with severe back pain my whole childhood which gave me the job of being his personal massage therapist. At the time, it was called rubbing his back. He took medication that put him to sleep after dinner. The rest of the time he was working in the field or in his home office. We lived in a 3000 square foot custom designed and built home that was one of his first projects when I was 9.

To be continued…..

Mel, Emily and Jayne. Provincetown, MA, October 2023