How to Talk with Teens About the Epstein Files

Content warning: This article contains descriptions of sexual violence, including child sexual abuse. Please read at your own pace and take care of yourself.

For years, I lived inside a fantasy that I could somehow protect my daughters from sexual violence. Not only from the act itself, but for much of their lives, from the knowledge of it.

When they were little, I believed that if I gave them empowering language, taught them about consent, and limited their exposure to the news, Google, and social media, they might be spared the burden of knowing that our world doesn’t just contain monstrous sexual predators, it is run by them.

That fantasy does not survive adolescence.

If we are lucky enough to raise children who reach middle or high school without experiencing sexual violence themselves, they will still learn about it. And often, they will learn about it in ways we least expect.

Last week, the local middle school class clown was running through the halls, stopping kids at random, grinning as he asked, “Do YOU know what’s in the Epstein files?” Other boys caught on and started joking that they were one of Epstein’s victims.

This is how these stories arrive in teen’s lives. Not through carefully planned conversations. Not through health class. But through jokes, rumors, and fragments stripped of context.

Then it happened. My child asked me, “What are the Epstein files?”

I had been thinking about writing this article for weeks, after my students and some parents kept asking for my opinion, knowing this moment of reckoning was not going away. But when it lands at your own kitchen table, it hits differently. Suddenly this is no longer an abstract cultural conversation or an academic exercise. It is about what our kids are absorbing, and what we are teaching them through our silence and our minimization.

Even if you are not a survivor of child sexual abuse, sexual assault, or sexual coercion, this moment has likely activated your nervous system in unexpected ways. If you’re crying randomly, having difficulty concentrating, feeling more anxious, you’re not overreacting. That is an appropriate response to reading detailed accounts of horrific, systemic abuse of children that was facilitated by many powerful people who face almost no consequences. I know it has messed me up in ways that are surprising to me.

The special flavor of anger that I have been feeling though is not because I learned something new about Jeffrey Epstein and the crimes he and his disgusting friends committed, but because of how the public is responding to the knowledge of so many associated bad actors. Specifically, the response to the powerful doctors, lawyers, financiers, celebrities, and spiritual leaders who are complicit or even just associated with him and stayed silent. For example, according to court documents and investigative reporting, Epstein paid a physician to manage the survivors’ reproductive consequences of his abuse. That physician remains employed as an OBGYN at a large medical center in the US.

Meanwhile, we are being flooded with commentary about the release of the Epstein files and what they do or do not “prove.”

“Well, those emails don’t mean he’s committed a crime.”

“It’s not illegal to party on Jeffrey Epstein’s island.”

“They aren’t pedophiles because the victims already went through puberty.”

At what point did we all become criminal investigators? Jurors? Judges? We do not need to determine whether something meets the legal threshold for prosecution in order to name it as deeply unethical, dangerous, and harmful. That reflex to narrow the conversation about the Epstein files to criminal technicalities is not neutral. It functions to protect the powerful and silence the harmed.

Years ago, when sexual assault allegations against Bill Cosby began to accumulate, I wrote about our cultural instinct toward victim blaming. That work eventually led to an invited article in the Huffington Post, where I described the cognitive dissonance we experience when someone we admire is accused of sexual violence. Coaches. Fathers. Pastors. Uncles. Mentors.

When that cognitive dissonance sets in, we rush to make the story less threatening. Surely it is exaggerated. Surely someone misunderstood. Surely the victim is confused, lying, or complicit. That narrative is easier than changing our behavior or confronting the reality that someone we admired was capable of profound harm.

Hierarchical institutions are breeding grounds for sexual abuse precisely because of this belief. We do not want to imagine that the coach, the minister, the principal, or our grandfather could abuse or assault someone. Not because we inherently distrust victims, but because believing them forces us to question entire systems we have organized our lives around. If what they are saying about our leaders is not true, we can go on as usual. If it is true, we need to change our behavior.

Once sexual violence is acknowledged, reporting it becomes yet another barrier, especially within large institutions, depending on what the climate is like there. People within institutions can easily fall prey to the bystander effect, where individuals assume someone else will act. The larger and more powerful the institution, the more accountability gets diluted, and silence ensues.

In the case of the Epstein files, there is no question that he committed these crimes. But he was never positioned as a hero anyway. What is destabilizing now is that many of our heroes, big and small, are being named alongside him. People whose work we consume. People whose guidance we follow. People whose authority we trusted. Former and current presidents of the United States.

We are accustomed to corruption among the usual suspects of hedge fund bros, minor league politicians, entertainment industry elites, and even artists. What has shaken me to my core are the individuals in these files whom we look to for healing, humanitarian leadership, and spiritual guidance. These leaders are supposed to make us feel safe and confident in the world.

That is where the Epstein reckoning actually lives.

The question we should be asking is not whether every named individual can be proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. The question we should be asking ourselves, is who gets to be admired, supported, and elevated in the spheres of medicine, philanthropy, wellness, and spiritual leadership? In my humble (yet expert) opinion, not people who rode on the the ‘Lolita Express’ to ‘Rape Island.’ We aren’t buying your supplements anymore. We aren’t listening to your podcast. We aren’t taking your meditation class. You will not deliver our babies.

A culture that supports the accused instead of the abused, perpetuates the cycle of violence because it teaches the next generation what is acceptable.

And this is where teens are watching us closely.

When we minimize the behavior of powerful men, when we soften language, when we treat sexual access to teen girls as morally ambiguous rather than fundamentally wrong, we send a message. That message is not subtle. It tells young people that men’s desire is inevitable, that girls’ bodies are negotiable, and that power insulates people from accountability.

We cannot let that narrative lead.

This moment matters because it will shape what our children believe about sex, power, consent, and justice. They are learning whether adults are willing to name harm honestly, or whether we will continue to look away when the truth is uncomfortable.

What we normalize now becomes the world they inherit.

If you are wondering whether you should talk to your teen about the Epstein files, or how to respond if they bring it up themselves, here is my guidance.

What follows is the maximum I think needs to be shared. That does not mean every family should share every part. You get to decide what fits your teen’s age, temperament, and emotional readiness. Think of this as a menu of talking points, not a checklist.

1. Acknowledge and validate. Avoiding the topic does not protect teens or kids. It simply sends them to Google, YouTube, and TikTok to fill in the gaps.

   Begin by asking what they already know. Then ask them what they think about what they shared and how that information makes them feel. There will likely be some sort of acknowledgement that ‘it feels scary, even though it didn’t happen to me.’

   This is where adults often lose the plot. Teenagers may have limited life experience, but they do not have limited insight. They understand power. They understand danger. They know, especially teen girls, that stories like the Epstein files make the world feel less safe. Naming that truth helps them feel less alone.

2. Who was Jeffrey Epstein? Jeffrey Epstein was a very powerful businessman who was also a dangerous sexual predator. For decades, he used his money, status, and connections to exploit and abuse girls.

   Like many predators, he did not act alone. Other people enabled his crimes, protected him, stayed silent, or participated directly. He was convicted and imprisoned, and he died in jail before further accountability could occur.

   You do not need to provide graphic detail. Clear and direct language is enough.

3. What is sexual abuse, rape, and sex trafficking? Your teen may hear terms like sexual abuse, rape, sex trafficking, or pedophilia. It helps to define these plainly and accurately.

   1. Sexual abuse generally refers to adults engaging in sexual acts with minors. Anyone under 18 cannot legally consent.

   2. Rape typically refers to sexual violence involving penetration of genitals without consent. Again, minors cannot consent under any circumstances.

   3. Sex trafficking occurs when people are coerced, manipulated, or forced into sexual acts, often repeatedly, for someone else’s profit. This includes children and teens. It is important not to use terms like “underage prostitutes” or “child pornography.” Children cannot engage in sex work. What is being produced is child sexual abuse material.

4. What are pedophiles? You may also hear debates about pedophilia or pedophiles. Pedophilia refers to sexual attraction to pre-pubescent children. Many people who sexually abuse teens are not pedophiles by that narrow definition, but they are still perpetrators of sexual violence. Some argue that Epstein was a hebephile because he was attracted to mid-to-late adolescents. Arguing technicalities about pubertal stage or legality misses the point and often serves to excuse harm.

5. Address “the files” without sensationalizing them. Explain that the Epstein files are court documents being made public. They show which powerful people knew about his actions or were connected to him.

   It is also important to name that the way these documents were released has caused harm. Survivors’ identifying details were exposed, while many powerful individuals’ names were redacted or protected. That imbalance matters.

   Do not elaborate on graphic details of the abuse. If your teen brings them up, validate that it is disturbing, then redirect. Emphasize that repeating or consuming explicit details is not necessary to understand that harm occurred. One way we honor survivors is by respecting their privacy and focusing on accountability rather than spectacle.

   It is always appropriate to say, “My heart goes out to the survivors. Please stop talking about this at school.”

1. Power and Accountability. Talk about how wealth, fame, and influence can be used to hide wrongdoing. Emphasize that no one should be above accountability, regardless of their status.

2. Our Imperfect Justice System. Teens may ask why more people involved with Epstein were not arrested, charged, or prosecuted. This opens the door to discussing how legal systems often fail survivors, especially when perpetrators are powerful and can spend lots of money on defense attorneys.

3. Institutional Betrayal. Many people named in the files held positions meant to protect others: doctors, lawyers, journalists, educators. It is normal for teens to feel confused or betrayed when institutions fail. Naming that betrayal helps teens understand their reaction is reasonable.

1. There are plenty of good people doing the same work as the bad ones we elevated. We can look to them now. Finding not just talented leaders, but those who are oriented toward justice is not difficult. But we have to check some of our own biases to ensure that they can rise to the top.

2. There are many people fighting for justice. I’m always reminded to look for the helpers in terrible situations. Mr. Rogers taught us that there are always people helping and people we can go to for help. There are many people doing ethical, justice-oriented work in medicine, education, advocacy, journalism, and law. Prosecutors, judges, victim advocates, therapists, teachers, and journalists have worked tirelessly to expose harm and support survivors.

   

3. The survivors are brave and working together. Survivors themselves are brave. But that is not the same as being invincible. We need to communicate with survivors and about survivors with great care and respect. Speaking publicly often retraumatizes people, yet many still do so to protect others. We are not where we should be in how we treat survivors, but progress has been made. Listening, believing, and refusing to minimize matters.

1. Jokes, memes, and minimization of these crimes are not harmless. For survivors, they are retraumatizing. They reveal how society might respond if you ever told your own story. In K-12 schools, when this behavior goes unchecked by staff, it creates a hostile learning environment for all students.

2. For teen girls, this story lands differently. Moving through the world knowing that grown men may sexualize you is unsettling. You do not have to be a survivor to feel disturbed by that reality. It can make ordinary interactions suddenly feel unsafe or confusing.

   Teen girls deserve validation. They deserve to take up space, to be loud, to be believed. Too often, we socialize them to stay quiet, avoid conflict, and prioritize others’ comfort over their own safety.

3. Men, particularly dads, need to speak up. Women are exhausted. Men have a critical role here. We need men to speak up, challenge other men, and model accountability. Dads can show their children what it looks like when good men refuse to excuse harm or defer to power at the expense of girls.

   That, too, is part of the lesson teens are watching for.

   Share Teen Talk Tuesday

   For Survivors…

I believe you. It was not your fault. You deserve care.

If you yourself are having a difficult reaction to this news (or any news of sexual violence), there is nothing wrong with you. Your nervous systems is simply recalling and processing what lives underneath memory (so-to-speak).

If you are in the United States, you can contact the RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800 656 4673 or chat at rainn.org. You can also reach the National Child Abuse Hotline by calling or texting 800 4 A CHILD or visiting childhelphotline.org.

If you are outside the United States, international sexual assault support resources are available at https://www.rainn.org/international-sexual-assault-resources.