No. 43: Hello, I'm 39

I turned 39 this week, and being in the last year of my 30s has me pausing to look at my life and ask, “Okay, what’s next?” Next April, I’ll be done with my time in the Legislature. Eight years in elected office (plus two years running), and a chapter of my life I never expected but poured my entire self into will be DONE! As abruptly as it began. Here’s the themes for this year that I do know. Dunno what I don’t know.

1. Closing out my legislative chapter.

This is the final full year of my term in the Nebraska Legislature, and with that I’m processing grief, frustration, and pride all at once. Trying to make peace with what I couldn’t fix or accomplish, and trying not to forget the wins we did have.

2. Figuring out my next era.

I’m planting seeds for what’s next, including growing Shop Five Nine and Ceremony, testing new revenue streams (corporate gifting, writing, travel consulting …? Anything political? Don’t know.). I’m exploring what it would mean to move deeper into retail, media, or creative consulting work. Realizing how many options I actually have, which is exciting and also paralyzing. I don’t want to do as much outward-facing work anymore - I don’t want to do work that is reliant on social media presence or posting or content. I don’t want my income to be tied to clicks or eyes…I hate that. It’s the worst thing about being self-employed right now. We need to do more word-of-mouth and less discover page. I’m figuring it out…

3. Rooting my life in Omaha.

I’m trying to buy a house. I’m envisioning a home with a garden Ash loves in a walkable neighborhood near the businesses and spots I love spending time in. Big windows, lots of light. I’m picturing this as a forever home—something stable and grounding, after so much flux and instability. Or, do I just buy the place I’m renting now? I can’t afford it but.

4. Ash, always.

My daughter is 15, growing up fast, and everything I do is with her in mind. Is it possible she will be driving in a year? Could she ever really graduate high school and go to college? It happens to other people, but could this happen to me as well?? ????? ?? Having a teen girl is thrilling, terrifying, hilarious, exhausting, and filled with moments that split your heart wide open. I’m so proud of her perspective, her sense of justice, her humor, what a great friend she is, and I want to keep building a life that makes her feel safe, seen, and free to become exactly who she is. She’s becoming it!!! Before my eyes!!

5. Mutual aid, hyper-local advocacy.

As I look toward my 40s, I want to live with more intention and less urgency, and give more of my energy as an activist and advocate to the people nearest to me. I’ve spent years working inside systems, and I’m proud of that. I think the next chapter of advocacy for me will be hyper-local. I want to get more involved in mutual aid, in direct support, and helping people outside of institutional means. Smaller work can still be big, and I need my fight in the future to make room for my own healing after a decade of institutional work.

6. Travel.

I’m planning international trips, using points like a magician, and finding some light side work out of it helping a few clients book cheap trips and building itineraries for them. This year will take us to Berlin (taking the kids), Cassis (my political consultant’s birthday), Mexico City (Taking Bobby to see Oasis haha), maybe Berlin again for the marathon (my friend Kimberly is running, never me), London (long layover, lunch with Helen), Barcelona (vintage sourcing trip with Bobby), and who knows where else if a cheap round trip ticket pops up. I’ve always wanted to do Christmas or New Years somewhere away from home, but I’m not sure this will be the year.

I was talking to my colleague and friend Danielle Conrad about this the other day. My 20s were really about doing what felt like “shoulds” — nothing I didn’t want to do, but just checking off the adult grown-up things and trying to push push push all the time for more and more achievement, in a way I would not ever care to do now. Business, marriage, house, baby, business, divorce, single life wildness, business, hustling, pitching, buildouts, business. Kinda killing myself in this imagined competition against literally nobody. Honestly I’m glad I spent my 20s doing that. I got it out of the way. The pressure to achieve is not here because now I get how temporary those achievements are.

I entered my 30s with no real plan, but the years made one for me. As the months and years unfolded it became obvious that it would be about public service, the honor of representing Nebraskans, and being a State Senator, which after 7 years I am still not used to. I do look back on this decade with regret, and that is because I have not lived with much intention because I was so focused on survival. Sometimes I’m so full of regret, and you’re not really allowed or supposed to be, and given that I can’t go back and change anything, it does no good to have regret. But I do feel that the sacrifice wasn’t worth it. (Caveat: None of my opponents in elections would have been better at all, but.) This work is extremely depressing. I can’t really overstate how poorly I’ve handled it emotionally, and that has also been embarrassing for me. And I did not identify or verbalize that feeling until sort of recently, and I don’t know what to do to heal. But I think that as time goes on and I think more about it, it’ll become clear.

That’s for the 40s!

• Theater Slippers from The Wax Apple. They look like little pea pods, and they’re made in Tainan City, Taiwan by Mr. Lee, who apprenticed with Madame Chiang Kai-shek’s shoemaker. These solid satin styles are made especially for The Wax Apple. One of my favorite online retailers. There are also a few pairs available at Ceremony in-store.

• Issey Miyake Pleats Please pants. I’m on my fourth pair. I have one pair that are wider and have a waist tie. I have a navy cropped pair (which fit normal on me) that are skinny. A straight leg black pair. And a burgundy cropped pair. I also have a few dresses and shirts, but I wear the pants much more because they fill the function of sweatpants to me. When you wear the dress, you look really really dressed up. But when you wear the pants, same material, you just look stylish abd minimal but still feel like you’re wearing something really comfortable and casual. Never buy full retail— look for them on poshmark, ebay, the real real, etc.

• Keds Champions. How about the suede ones?

• Pinky Loafers from Intentionally Blank. They are like wearing a ballet flat, but a loafer. Soft like butter, bendy, great for all day at the office, pressing through an airport, or walking around the city. Everyone is different but on me, there are no blister points. Silver is a neutral, but they’re also available in black.

Thanks for reading. I am first and foremost a shopgirl. The best way to support me/my family/my staff, help me pay my rent, and validate the work that fulfills me is by supporting my businesses Five Nine and Ceremony, or by subscribing to this newsletter! I’ve been a small business owner here in my neighborhood for 20 years and I’m so grateful to get to do this. It’s really a dream come true every day. Take care.