Imagined Conversations Between My Parents While on a Family Vacation

Good evening, Substackanistas. We are back from our vacation, ready to dig in and take the satire bull by the horns. But before we do, here is some post-vacation-with-family venting, courtesy of Anthong DeThomas…

MOM: I’m going to the front desk. I want to embarrass our adult children.

DAD: I was just there to do exactly that by getting a ridiculous number of washcloths that we won’t use.

MOM: Perfect. I’ll ask for a problematic number of towels and a pillow with impossible attributes.

DAD: Don’t forget to take your walking sticks and that terrible hat you purchased for this trip.

MOM (already wearing the terrible hat): Way ahead of you, dear.

DAD: This hiking trail is so breathtaking and peaceful. Let’s ask everyone we see where they’re from.

MOM: Great. Then we’ll never make it to the viewpoint.

DAD: Are we going to physically struggle even though we asked to do this specific hike?

MOM: Yes. I’ll make a scene about my knee and say I’m light-headed. Just make sure you don’t drink any water.

DAD: What water? I didn’t bring a drop of water.

MOM: You’re going to be dehydrated and will legitimately need help. This is exactly how we wanted this to go.

DAD: Yes, but are we doing enough to make us late for the special dinner reservation the kids made?

MOM: You’re right. I’ll sit down immediately and have a hot flash.

DAD: I’m glad I wore my laceless step-in shoes to this high-end dinner.

MOM: And I’m glad I have a matching pair that I’m also wearing.

DAD: How hard of hearing should we be throughout this meal?

MOM: Let’s alternate randomly between not at all and very.

DAD: Perfect. Then you can yell-ask our children when they’re planning to have children.

RESTAURANT MANAGER: Someone said you needed to see me?

DAD: Yes, I want you to turn up all of the lights in the dining room so I can see things better.

MOM: Also, I’m cold. And very warm.

RESTAURANT MANAGER: Okay, I will check on you a lot throughout your entire meal. Anything else?

MOM: Yes, can my husband ask you questions about the construction of this building when he gets up to walk around while the rest of our family is still eating?

RESTAURANT MANAGER: Yes, but I don’t know anything about that.

DAD: Perfect.

DAD: I never thought I’d be in a hot-air balloon watching the sun set. This is a perfect moment.

MOM: Yes, it is. Let’s tell the kids about your follow-up appointment with the cardiologist.

DAD: Okay. But make it sound worse than it is.

MOM: Of course. Then I’ll make a speech about how much I’ve enjoyed this time with our family in front of the guy operating the hot-air balloon.

DAD: Great. I’ll record a video of your speech from really close to your face.

MOM: Do you think we’ll ever get more embarrassing than this?

DAD: God, I hope so, but let’s just focus on making this perfectly nice trip humiliating.

MOM: You’re right. Let’s ask the kids to drive us to the airport really early tomorrow.

DAD: But our flight isn’t tomorrow.

MOM: I know.

(Both parents laugh and then kiss in a way everyone can hear.)

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