Good evening, Stacksubberwubbers. There’s been a lot of buzz this week about New York Times columnist Ross Douthat moving over to Bari Weiss’s 60 Minutes. Douthat’s exit means the Times is in the market for a new pundit for its opinion pages. Contributor Fiona Taylor wrote a helpful guide to help The Old Grey Lady choose a replacement.
HABITAT: Op-ed page of a formerly relevant magazine.
DISTINCTIVE CALL: “Some say the culture wars divide us, but I believe fighting actually brings us together.”
DISTINGUISHING FEATURE: Will find one radical social media post from an account with nine followers; uses it to build a 1,200-word piece about how socialists are poised to take over America.
HABITAT: Fourth-generation family-owned newspaper editorial board.
DISTINCTIVE CALL: “I once met [NAME OF A SUPREME COURT NOMINEE] at a fancy cocktail party, and he is perfectly lovely and rational. No need to be hysterical about your rights, ladies.”
DISTINGUISHING FEATURE: Went to Choate and Brown. Has never had a job he didn’t get because of his family connections, but lectures readers about the “real world.”
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HABITAT: New York Times bestseller list, and a weekly column.
DISTINCTIVE CALL: “As a man with a deeply unhappy wife, here’s why divorce is bad for society.”
DISTINGUISHING FEATURE: Writes extensively about morality and virtue, but recently traded in his nagging bitch of a wife for his much younger research assistant.
HABITAT: 30+ years with a weekly opinion column.
DISTINCTIVE CALL: “Hillary the Hawk, Donald the Dove.”
DISTINGUISHING FEATURE: Wants to take Thanksgiving off each year, so she lets her cranky conservative brother lecture her readers.
HABITAT: Op-ed page of elite newspaper
DISTINCTIVE CALL: “It’s classist to assume a blue-collar politician is dumb—unless she’s a hot Latina who used to sling drinks.”
DISTINGUISHING FEATURE: At a commencement address at his Ivy League alma mater, tells the graduates they wasted their time and money because AI will take their jobs. Says they all should have become plumbers. After being booed, writes an entire piece about “the ungrateful youth.”
HABITAT: Spotify, YouTube, Netflix specials.
DISTINCTIVE CALL: “Why Hunter Biden’s dick pics undermine the argument for universal healthcare.”
DISTINGUISHING FEATURE: Promotes the cure for the obesity epidemic in kids: zero vaccinations and an exercise program of dodging bullets in gym class.
HABITAT: Billionaire group chats, X, The Free Press.
DISTINCTIVE CALL: “Boys are in crisis. Data centers in space may be the answer.”
DISTINGUISHING FEATURE: Considered an expert by his followers despite a track record of absolutely zero of his predictions ever coming true. Also: deeply racist.
HABITAT: Op-ed pages, editorial boards, magazines on their last legs.
DISTINCTIVE CALL: Has several variations:
“As a white man, let me lay out why racism no longer exists.”
“One man’s perspective: how women have ruined feminism.”
“Rich white straight men like me are society’s real victims. Here’s why.”
“As a man born into wealth, here’s why the Democrats lost the working class.”
“How ‘woke’ is destroying America”
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: Hackneyed ideas, no investigative journalism background, and a face for print. Recently hired by 60 Minutes.
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