The Dumb Phone Life

I have a complicated relationship with technology. My lifelong love affair with sci-fi was kicked off when the Disney Channel played Flight of the Navigator on repeat one summer. As an adult, I devour tech and econ news the way some of the primmest of librarians are consuming Heated Rivalry right now. I am still (somehow) a believer in the human connection the internet provides us despite a lot of the harm its caused. But I am absolutely disgusted with the current leadership in the field. These bimbos are marching us into the most unimaginative, boring, tedious, painful future possible. Just because.

If there is one thing about me, I am a Deeply Uncooperative Woman when I do not respect the intelligence of the person attempting to have authority over me. If I see the vision and skillset in a leader, I will follow them to the ends of the Earth. But the second I can look into their eyes and see that they are A) Dumb, B) A nit-picky by-the-book hall monitor type, or C) A little bitch, I am about to become A Problem. Its great news that I have a knack for entrepreneurship because I do not respond positively when people try to push me around and tell me what to do. And that’s exactly what these social media titans are trying: They are bullying you and you are taking it.

Our phones have become the default remedy to every silent, boring moment. You’re supposed to be bored sometimes, its ok. That’s where all the good ideas are. You’re supposed to make mistakes and learn how to troubleshoot from there. That’s where the mastery and innovation is. Our lives are a little too optimized and convenient so we don’t get to have those moments anymore.

I was already feeling a little grossed out with myself when I noticed the amount of books I read in a year was so much lower than it used to be. The infinite scrolling of Twitter and Instagram made me lethargic and boring. I didn’t make art anymore, barely sought out new music. I had lost confidence in my basic ability to learn new skills. I felt like a catatonic version of myself that was operated by a little leech draining the personality out of me. I felt pathetic and that will never sit right with me.

This was around the time of the inauguration where All The Boys got on stage to oh-so subtly signal to us that they will be taking it from here. And then those clips of Zuckerberg on The Joe Rogan Experience started circulating. You know, the ones where he is suddenly Dominican for some reason and whimpering about how social media needs an injection of masculinity? Immediately the primal Little Bitch Switch flicked on in my brain and, after an elaborate Sailor Moon-style transformation sequence, I became my final form: A Problem.

As desperately as I wanted the Barbie Flip Phone, it seemed really wasteful to throw out a totally usable iPhone 13. That and despite the distractions available, there are apps I need to operate in the modern world. Barbie can’t call me an Uber or pull up my flight tickets when I need them. (And I totally respect that, she’s a very busy multi-disciplinary career woman)

It made more sense to simply turn my smart phone into a “dumb phone” by removing a lot of what was on it. I gave myself and my devices a digital lobotomy.

Social media, in this context, is not the problem itself. Its the constant access to it. I have accidentally found myself in a position where having a presence on it covers my rent and pays my taxes. I’m not sure how this happened either, but I’m here for better or for worse. I cannot completely eliminate socials from my life, but I don’t need them on me all the time.

This includes not only social media, but shopping apps. Ever notice how browsing Amazon sure feels a lot like thumbing your way through an eternal Instagram feed? That’s on purpose!

I did an audit of what I really needed to operate MAXIECORP and moved the essentials to my iPad and desktop which both stay at home at all times. A tablet is so much clunkier and more unnatural in your hand than a phone. Its harder to get lost in the sauce when you’re staring at such a huge, goofy product. If I need to check my replies or post something, I can log in and get it done, but I’m not really tempted to linger. When I leave the house with my empty phones, those quiet moments of brilliance while riding the Amtrak are mine once again.

I’m sure there are some you can turn off. You don’t need to let them bother you. One thing I found really useful was to keep email on my phone, but only have the notifications on for my professional accounts. As for my personal email on my other phone, I really do not need a real-time alert that my electric bill has arrived. That can wait until I get home. Nothing bad happens if you let it wait, I promise. Curating your settings to have a few less beeps and boops will do wonders for your nervous system.

Don’t kid yourself. Podcasts are sneaky little bastards. Just because you are not looking at a screen while you consume it, it doesn’t mean content isn’t overstaying its welcome in your brain. I don’t think podcasts are bad. My biggest Early Adopter Brag is that I started listening to podcasts regularly in 2005. But they have a way of tricking you into thinking you are learning or being a responsible citizen by consuming like 8 different reactions to the same news cycle. I have made it important to be in silence more as well as being more intentional about having music in my life. Music gives you the reigns back of your own thoughts. Podcasts smother out your own thoughts. Time and place.

I do still have Substack on my phone actually. I got the habit down of reading the longform essays on my phone before the Notes feature really took off like it did this year. I really like that the top of the page will tell you how many minutes long the read will be. Over the past year, I would use that info to track how my brain was progressing the same way I would track reps at the gym. I was a little worried when Notes became more prevalent, but fortunately and unfortunately, the algorithm here is… not great. That sucks as a creator who relies on visibility, but as a consumer, I can be in and out in 15mins before they start showing me repeats. I kinda hope they never improve upon it!

I’m feeling much more confident in my own thoughts and opinions, which I didn’t even realize I had been lacking. I know if I dis/like something rather than feeling suspicious that I was influenced to dis/like it. I feel prepared to defend my positions rather than just accidentally repeating what I heard a podcaster say, which I see happen in conversation constantly. I’m reading books again. I’ve learned to cook this past year. I’m writing better stuff and enjoying the process of it. I am spending significantly less money because when I don’t have shiny items shoved in front of my face every few seconds. I don’t have a craving to consume the way I did. In the real world, I can look around and see I have everything I want and need. And that’s so neat!

I’m a believer that the dopamine spikes and drops of social media are real. These apps are messing with us mentally, financially, socially, and internally and it becomes really obvious once you distance yourself from it. Once your brain and body are “off the stuff” and your chemicals begin to self-regulate into a more natural balanced state, going back on high-speed socials like Tik Tok after a few months will make you nauseous. Literally, you will physically feel a difference offline and will wonder why it was ever worth it. This is entirely anecdotal and I don’t know what is scientifically happening in your body, but I definitely feel the difference.

And finally, just to really play to the id, it does make you marginally superior to other people and that feels good! Lets just be for real and say that! You don’t have to be a dickhead who writes a public essay about it (👀) but if social competition motivates you, fuck it, lean in!

Deep down, we all have those ugly, underdeveloped, animal parts of ourselves that we shouldn’t access often, but sometimes they do come in handy… Accomplishing something that most people could never stick to is huge. A little smug satisfaction is an excellent consolation prize and you are allowed to (privately) enjoy that (within reason). Tell’em Max said so.