Why women REALLY leave

Note: This a rough draft of the INTRODUCTION to the book I am now just finishing up (The Conscious Relationship). I am looking for a “publisher” (or working with others) who are dedicated to educating couples about the harm of patriarchy on relationships. This topic will ROCK the world of couple therapy so brace yourself!

THE CONSCIOUS RELATIONSHIP: HOW TO HEAL YOUR MASCULINE AND FEMININE WOUNDS AND FIND LOVE AND INTIMACY

INTRODUCTION [DRAFT ONLY]

Never before have relationships been as problematic and conflict ridden as they are now.—Eckhart Tolle

After 22 years of marriage, I left my husband. We had a beautiful home and have two amazing daughters, but frankly, I gave up. Although I loved him, and truly tried everything, I could not figure out what was wrong nor how to make things work. Now I know exactly what is going on and I wrote this book to share what I discovered.

After leaving the marriage I spent several years studying the research on relationships and marriage. To my surprise, I discovered that the real cause of relationship problems is not what we are told. It is not because we simply fall out of love. It’s not because we don’t have the skills or are not trying hard enough. It is not because men and women or are just too different.

The real reason why couples struggle is both invisible and hidden. In deed it is rearely even mentioned in relationship books! In a nutshell, the real reason most relationships fail is because of our subconscious beliefs, fears and assumptions lurking in our psyches. These are formed over our entire lives and reinforced all day every day, yet few marriage counsellors know about them. And they are wreaking havoc on men, women and relationships.

My first discoveries

In my research, the first thing I discovered was that there are thousands of books on how to repair relationships and just as many seminars and relationship coaches. In North America relationship advice is a billion-dollar industry! Here is a quick overview of what I discovered:

· you are not alone; the relationship crisis is real and persistent;

· current solutions don’t often work;

· many men refuse to talk so communication often fails;

· your problems are not due to sex (as you are often told);

· the real cause is invisible and hidden, so it’s not your fault for not knowing what’s going on.

Each of these is discussed here, followed by the benefits of reading this book.

FACT 1. YOU ARE NOT ALONE

It is quite easy to see that the gap between men and women in Western society has never been as wide as it is today. At the global level the divide has risen to an astounding level, never before seen in recent history. In the last five years alone everyone on the planet has witnessed constant news of this including:

· the Epstein files showing years of intentional rape and murder of women and girls;

· sixty-two million men visiting an online “rape academy” to learn how to rape their wives;

· the recent documentary on the “manosphere,” where millions of young men join together to berate women;

· the growth of the multi-billion-dollar pornography industry and AI automated female partners; and

· the so-called male loneliness epidemic.

At the personal level, things seem just as bad. The divorce rate in 2025 the United States 2025 was 44% and 70 percent of these divorces were initiated by women. The marriage rate has plummeted with some individuals never intending to marry at all. The love between men and women appears on the verge of extinction.

However, if you step back and look at the bigger picture you will see that, both the global and personal “trouble” is actually nothing new. Although the divide is more visible, having been pushed in our faces in the media and now is seemingly wider and deeper than ever, the root cause has existed for many many years. We have been living in a society that not only allows this divide but actually promotes it. I call it a loveless society.

The good news is that these current events are causing something important to happen. They are driving us to become so outraged that we wake up from the illusion that things are fine. And when we get upset, we begin asking the bigger questions like: How did we get here? or “Where did we go wrong?”

The very good news is that we are, in effect, squeezing a giant society-wide pimple that has been infected for centuries. And we now have the opportunity to release all that pus and begin to heal. Without the poison and pain, we will be able to restore lasting love between men and women. One couple at a time.

FACT 2. CURRENT SOLUTIONS DON’T WORK

The terrible tragedy is that so many couples today are unhappy. They don’t know what’s really going on and they try everything. Many couples fall into the trap of thinking they either have to stay and put up with it or leave.

And many of those who stay find themselves sticking together in unhappy, dysfunctional or sexless relationships As authors Paul and Paul state, too many couples are starving for love because they don’t know what to do:

Millions of unhappy married couples respond to each other with irritation and anger because they do not know how to do otherwise. Starving for love they give each other pain. Frustrated in their locked-in relationship and pushed by painful feelings, they either act quickly or thoughtlessly or do nothing except wallow in their own suffering.

After years of coping, one day, many couples wake up and realize that there is no relationship left. As well-know depth psychologist John Welwood says, many couples’ harbour resentment and distrust for years until they simply can’t hold it in any more. They wake up one day and realize they don’t really feel seen or know, as he says here :

It’s as though a reservoir of distrust and resentment were ready and waiting to be released, which the tiniest incident can trigger. Even caring and compassionate people often carry within them a fair share of unlove and righteous grievance, which can suddenly erupt under certain circumstances. … For others [it] might not wreak havoc until well into a happy marriage, when one or both partners suddenly wakes up one day and realizes they don’t really feel seen or known. [p 5

At the same time, they are told that it’s just a rough patch and told to read books, attend workshops, seek couples or sex counselling. But nothing seems to work.

As for my marriage, I bought several books and truly worked hard at communicating, but nothing seemed to work. As a lawyer and conflict resolution expert, I literally tried every tool of communication. Yet my former husband brushed off our problems, saying it was just a rough patch and our issues were minor, temporary or would work themselves out.

As you will see in this book, although there are thousands of books on how to fix relationships, they have barely impacted the divorce rate. Even though couples spend billions of dollars annually on books and therapies, many of them simply do not work or do not last. Why? Because none of them deal with the ROOT CAUSE of relationship problems.

FACT 3. HE WON’T TALK ABOUT IT

As for me, here is the worst part. When I raised my concerns, my husband refused to talk about it. When I said we need to talk he just shrugged and said that all couples have problems and I was too sensitive.

When I pressed him, he actually got defensive and, on a few occasions, walked away, which completely surprised me. He told me that he loved me deeply and was not intentionally treating me badly. Indeed, he was incensed by me even suggesting it. But, still, he would not talk about it. Over time it slowly became impossible for us to talk about what was going on or how we were feeling. It was as if a wall had formed.

One day I went to a counsellor about a work issue and mentioned my marital problems. I told her about what was happening and that I had lost hope in my marriage. At that point she walked over to her bookshelf and handed me a book by psychologist Terrance (Terry) Real. She said that it described my situation perfectly. She was right. I went home that night and read it from beginning to end!

In his book, How Can I get Through to You? Terry Real explains why men do not want to talk about their struggles. As his book title suggests, many women find it hard to get through to men. Real observed that many men find talking to their wives is so difficult that it becomes impossible hurdle to overcome and prevents all chances of working things out. In fact, as Real discovered, it is directly related to the way men were raised as boys. As he says,

…a traditionally socialized man find himself relatively incapable, and mostly unwilling, to sit down with his own feelings, bring them to his wife in a thoughtful and constructive manner, and straightforwardly negotiate his wants and needs. Such skills of introspection and communication in personal relationships are as foreign to conventional masculinity as direct assertion has been to femininity.

Related to this fear of talking is the hesitation that many men have of seeking therapy. Michelle Takie found that men are often afraid to go to therapy due to the perceived discomfort, confusion and anxiety. Here are her words:

If they show up at therapy at all, their typical response is that their wife told them they needed to be there. They have no idea how to process their emotions, so they resist even wanting to talk about something that may be wrong. They hate feeling discomfort inside, and more than that, they hate talking about it out loud. They feel like they are in uncharted territory and are confused and anxious. Of course they experience dread. “p 153 Michele Takei

Although many couples think this is minor “communication issue,” the problem is much bigger and deeper.

As you will see in this book, our socialization is to blame. Girls and women grow up learning to value intimacy and caring while boys and men grow up learning to be lone rangers and value achievement. Boys and men learn to downplay relationships and even see intimacy as “feminine” or weak. Girls and women, on the other hand, enjoy relationships and also tend to be skilled at communicating and relating.

FACT 4. IT’S NOT ABOUT LACK OF SEX

As for my relationship, not only did our communication fail, but so did our intimacy. In fact, one lead to the other. As we began to talk less, I felt more distant and lost my desire for intimacy. Like many women, I slowly no longer felt close to my husband and the passion drained out of our relationship. I berated myself for no longer having desire, not knowing what was happening.

Indeed, a few months before leaving my husband, we went to see a counsellor together. We each took turns listing our concerns with the relationship. I had several. But my husband had only one: lack of sex. Looking back, I wonder how many men think that having more sex will solve their relationship problems.

Although many couples find that their desire for sex changes, it’s helpful to understand the deeper causes. Again, Terry Real provides the explanation. Many women are raised to value connection and thus lose their interest in sex when they do not feel connected or cherished. This is something that many men do not understand. He discovered that, for many women, it is not about not wanting sex at all but an unwillingness to please their partners after long periods of not being seen:

The unspoken anger spills out as an occasional rage and everyday coolness. Feeling uncherished, many wives unwittingly shut down their own sense of pleasure, as well as their willingness to please their partners. And even if women try to accept and forgive, eventually passion drains away from the marriage along with their authenticity. [p 53 Terrence Real

This is reinforced by sex educator Emily Nagoski in her recent book Come Together. As she says, that our male and female conditioning and gender-based rules of behavior are one of the biggest barriers to healthy sex:

Perhaps the most ubiquitous and the most insidious barrier between us and our full erotic potential is the “gender mirage”— the idea that because you were born with a particular set of body parts, there are highly specific rules you must obey about how to live in that body and be a sexual person. [p 295

As you will see in this book, our socialization is to blame. Over their lives, men learn to shut down and women learn to shut down their desire for closeness. Men tend to feel rejected or attacked while women tend to feel uncherished and unseen. Both feel defeated and hopeless. And all of this is caused by our subconscious beliefs we acquired long ago.

But here is the important part. It’s not just a few beliefs; it’s a whole collection of hidden ideas and assumptions that are buried in our psyches. And most couples are unaware of them, their origins or their impact.

FACT 5. THE REAL CAUSE IS INVISIBLE AND HIDDEN

The importance of our socialization cannot be overstated. Unlike the hundreds of relationships books I only a handful even alluded to our socialization.

Thus, it’s no surprise that couples don’t know about their socialization. Unless you studied sociology, you would not likely know about how you are conditioned to fit into your family, your culture and your whole society.

Here is what you will learn in this book. Each and every one of us has been intensely socialized from the day we are born. We are told exactly who we are and how to behave day-in and day-out. We are molded minute by minute by family, peers, teachers, media and society, day-in and day-out. This process of socialization often happens by osmosis as we watch and copy what we see.

This conditioning is reinforced 24/7 in our society. It is constant, intensive and normalized to such a degree that we can’t see it at all. Over our entire lives these messages are reinforced, engrained and instilled until they feel as if they are natural.

And these ideas lurk buried deep in our subconscious minds and run our lives from behind the scenes, functioning automatically without our awareness. As therapist and author Dr Shefali says:

Our beliefs about life and people shape every moment. The more we believe, the more we are contoured by these beliefs. The more strongly we adhere to these beliefs, the more rigidly we are attached to them. [Shefali p 344]

Not only does this socialization harm you, but also your relationships. And even worse, many therapists can’t see it.

As for males and females our socialization is very specific. Males are squeezed into blue boxes of expectations and females are forced into narrow pink boxes. We are told that we must have very distinct characteristics and must play different roles. Boys must be tough, unemotional and independent. Girls must be pretty and agreeable: sugar and spice and everything nice.

Mostly through the media, we are sold a version of relationships and marriage based on sexual attraction and romance. Millions of messages pornify sex and demean women while distorting the true masculine. We are told that there is a “war of the sexes” that keeps women and men fighting and blaming each other, diverting their attention from the real cause of the problem.

As a result, both men and women find themselves living unconscious lives under the control of their hidden ideas. We harbor out-dated beliefs, fears and assumptions about ourselves, our relationships, and our expectations of men and women and they are wreaking havoc, causing us to argue, fight and avoid intimacy.

In her recent book, Come Together, Emily Nagoski sees this socialization as the main barrier to healthy sexuality and intimacy. She refers to it as a “tonnage of lies” that we have been taught about gender, and calls it a “gender mirage” because it prevents us from seeing each other as we truly are. Here are her words:

This mirage of rules you and your partner are supposed to follow based on the genders you were assigned are, I believe, the most pervasive and persistent barrier we face when we try to [have healthy sexuality]. P 221

And worse, our whole society promotes this programing, keeps it hidden from us and convinces us that it’s natural when it’s not. We are told that male-female relationship problems are individual and psychological. The truth, however is that these problems are shared by almost all couples and caused by our socialization; our programming.

SUMMARY

In summary, you now know that:

· you are not alone;

· current solutions don’t work;

· he won’t talk about it;

· it’s not about sex; and

· the real cause is invisible and hidden.

You now know that the real cause of relationship problems is because we have been mislead. We have been misdiagnosing the problem and been offered solutions that don’t work. We tell couples to talk more, build man caves and have more sex, when none of these solutions lasts.

In doing so, we completely overlook the deeper cause, which is our invisible and hidden subconscious beliefs, fears and assumptions. These beliefs begin to form on the day we are born and are reinforced over our entire lives – from parents and teachers to the media and even pornography. We learn how to behave as boys, girls, men, women, husbands and wives.

Therefore, the only lasing solution is to surface and shift our subconscious beliefs and not be controlled by our conditioning. In other words we must become conscious, as described here by Dr. Shefali:

When we are unconscious or unawakened, we allow our mind to be unexplored and unexamined. We are fully asleep. We look awake, but we are, in effect, asleep. We remain captive to the past and all the cultural identifications that go with it. Dr. Shefali [p 343]

ABOUT THIS BOOK

This book is for couples and their counsellors who are looking for a lasting solution for relationship problems. You will learn about why you behave as you do, why you get stuck and how to break your patterns and loops. Specifically you will learn:

· how your socialization happens and the harm it causes;

· how your subconscious beliefs, assumptions and fears are directing your life;

· how to surface your own programming (both male and female);

· how to heal your masculine and feminine wounds; and

· how to create a loving and conscious relationship.

This book is unlike any other relationship book in three specific ways. First, you may not need therapy; second you won’t need to learn more skills and finally, you will enhance your self-awareness, heal and empower yourself.

Benefit 1. You may not need therapy

Although I highly recommend therapy, for most people it’s time consuming, expensive and invasive.

It can be easier for couples to surface their unconscious beliefs together in private by reading about the very real beliefs and assumptions that most of us in Western society inherit as we grow up. Since most of us acquired them, they tend to be generic.

You can also do this work at your own pace by choosing your sections and reading it at your leisure. You can take your time reflecting on your own beliefs and own behaviors in the quiet of your living room. You can see which ones seem to be impacting you. Ideally you can talk to your partner about it and see the extent to which you are both being controlled by your psyche.

By doing the work alone or together in private you can reduce feelings of vulnerability and shame and even lessen emotional reactions since you have more time to process the information.

Most people who are able to see their hidden beliefs are deeply relieved. When they understand the cause of their patterns, they see that change is possible. Peace is possible. Love is possible. Those who recognize, surface and heal their programming not only free themselves but also improve their relationships.

The important thing is that you can take it or leave it. It could be that you are one of a million who were not influenced by our culture. Maybe you are one of the few who knows about your subconscious programming and are not being held hostage by it. Maybe you do not automatically react, but respond from full awareness. Then this book will be an affirmation for you!

Benefit 2. You won’t need to learn more skills

Although skills are critical to relating, by the time we are adults, most of us can articulate our thoughts and listen fairly well. It’s not the skills of speaking and listening that are problematic, it’s the barriers that stand in the way. Like shame.

Therefore, unlike most other relationship books, this is NOT a book on developing skills. Nor is it a book about how to treat each other better or being nicer or more respectful.

Unlike other books, this book provides a flashlight into your mind. Once you observe the inner working of your psyche and see how your outdated beliefs are causing you to behave badly, you change from the inside, not the outside.

As you become aware of your hidden thoughts and fears and face them, your ability to listen and communicate improves automatically. Just be being conscious of your resistance, you will be more open to hearing your partner and responding appropriately.

Benefit 3. You will become self-aware and heal

The real benefit is profound and extends beyond your relationship and out into the world. As you read you will begin to see how this work can be a powerful tool for self-awareness and healing.

Rather than drifting along day to day, you can see each difficulty as an opportunity to clear out your limiting beliefs and operate more from a place of clarity and love. As psychologist Tery Real suggests, your relationship can actually be the way to become both whole and thrive:

The truth is that relationships do not make us happy. Relationships are the crucible in which we work on ourselves, in which we have the opportunity to stretch and grow, and, if we are fortunate, thrive.

As your relationship improves with your partner, you will also feel a ripples effect on your family, and especially your children. Sometimes we forget the impact our relationship has on our children , particularly as role models.

Armed with this self-awareness you will feel more empowered and better able to deal with situations that arise in your relationship and outside of it.

THANK YOU

In conclusion it’s important to repeat the obvious. Unless you look inside at your subconscious beliefs, your relationships problems will never go away.

As bestselling author Richard Schwartz says (in his book, You are the One) your efforts will be like moving the deck chair on the sinking Titanic:

So, we’ve all been set up— victims of a cruel joke. . .. We don’t realize that we never had a prayer. Most self-help books and couples therapy approaches collude with this cruel joke. They try to help you fix something that isn’t fixable, which makes you feel more like a failure when it doesn’t work. Shifting the deck chairs around won’t avoid disaster when you’re on the Titanic. [p 19]

A thank you to women

As a final note I want to thank women for doing this work. In my case, one of the biggest barriers I had in writing this book was my resentment towards my former husband. I thought it wasn’t fair that a woman (who caried the weight of the relationship) also had to write a book about it. I was also angry that so few men were interested in figuring out the real cause of relationship problems. However, after healing and reading about the brutal way in which we socialize boys and men, I came around. I finally realized that if women did not take the lead, change might never happen. As for me, I see it as an honor to write from my own personal experience. I borrow the words of Author Sara Stover

I knew that I was transforming my inner hell into a collective heaven in order to help others do the same.— Sara Stover p 8

Since women, more so than men, have both the interest and skills to lead this transition back to love, they will probably be the ones carrying the burden of change.

So, thank you for doing this, not just for yourself and your relationship, but also for the men (and boys) you love. As author Michelle Takei reminds us: “Contrary to popular male-myth, a woman doesn’t try to change a man for her life for her own good; she does it to improve their relationships and the quality of men’s lives.”

A thank you to men

Some men will struggle with the contents of this book. This is because they may not have heard much about the socialization of boys and men --and it’s brutal. The harm we cause to men and boys is shocking and disturbing.

If I could give you one piece of advice it would be this: Listen to the women. Even this might be difficult but when women feel heard, they tend to open their hearts. Many women have been holding their ideas and suggestions inside for years. Author Martine Valee suggests the following:

To every man I would say this: Find the strength to bear the truth of your women. You have been trained not to listen, not to hear, not to recognize. You must change these attributes. Your world and you, yourselves, are in danger of being lost. By holding the reins and not sharing them, you lead the horse of your destiny off in one direction, and you are blind to the outcome. Valee p 88

And I would like to thank you to for reading this book. It shows not just how much you care about your partner and your relationship but also suggests that you care about yourself as a man. You care about the way you show up, care about the impact you have and care about being a role model for the next generation. This takes a huge amount of bravery. Thank you for doing this inner work. It will be worth it.

I mean what are your options?

END

Please visit my website if you want to learn more about me or my other books. MaureeFitzgerald.com