Mads: Frieda and the Count's New Von Dieter's

My Boston friend and I were watching The Phantom Gourmet the other day. It was a Saturday morning, and we hadn’t gotten up the energy yet to get off the couch and do anything yet. I don’t know that either of us were paying attention, until we heard this:

“Next up, Boston’s trendiest street has an interesting take on an old fast food classic.”

“It can’t be…” my Boston friend said.

But it was. The Phantom Gourmet was doing a feature on the Count and Frieda’s bizarro Von Dieter’s we’d helped them open near the Hynes Convention Center.

“Think you know Von Dieter’s? Well you ain’t seen nothin’ till you try out this unique location on Newbury Street.”

We saw clips of the Count, Frieda, and all the characters talking with patrons and working with staff behind the counter.

“This isn’t like your usual Von Dieter’s,” the Count said to the camera, his massive burger head barely fitting in the shot. “We try to make everything Von Dieter’s does, with a twist.”

“Like the Big Diablo, their take on the Big Dieter, only with a kick of heat, both in the jalapenos and spicy special sauce—and even the bun itself is spicy.”

“People come in here, and they think, ‘this is really good! No offense, but I thought Von Dieter’s was just junk food.’ We always say, ‘none taken!’ ” Frieda said.

“Other favorites include the Von Veggie, Von Dieter’s all vegetarian burger.”

“It’s a black bean and quinoa mix, with just the right amount of fresh rosemary and shallots.”

They showed a hipster guy eating a regular burger with a figure next to him, this one looked like “Tisk Mister.”

“Adults also like to come and be children for a bit.”

“Believe it or not, the Good Time Meal is a big seller. Part of it is our meat: because we’re only one Von Dieter’s, we don’t need factory farmed meat, we can get locally sourced beef from small farms, so the burger itself tastes better; but also, people seem to love our ‘Marvelous Heroes.’ ”

“He’s talking about the action figure knock-offs they include with the Good Time Meal. Our producer loved the ‘Nomar, the Sub-Mainer’ figure in particular.”

They cut to Blood Moon Man playing jazz on the piano, while Boston Hipsters ate burgers and fries in retro plastic booths.

“From great music, to great food, check out this new take on an old fast food classic.”

“Come and see us, let us change what you think fast food should be.”

The show went to a commercial of Brian Gurry selling windows.

“What do you think about that?” I said.

“You know what I think…” Gwen said. Neither my Boston friend nor I even knew she was there. “This is just like episode 16 of season 2 of Star Trek: TNG, ‘Q Who,’ in which Q puts the Enterprise in contact with the Borg for the first time, setting in motion the events that led to them trying to assimilate all of humanity later in the series. You sir, have set in motion the Baron, and he’ll be coming for you like the Borg came for Earth.”

“Shows what you know,” I said. “I already set the Baron in motion back in West Virginia.”

My Boston friend stood.

“Don’t encourage her, Mads. Gwen that’s two Star Trek: TNG references in two days. You know what that means.”

“No, do I have to?”

He nodded.

“Fine.”

She went over to our landline that was hanging off the side of the wall, and dialed a number.

“Yeah, Paulie? I want a dime on the Devils over the Rangers. No, the money line. Yes, a dime on the B’s over the Preds, and a dime on the Stars over the Sharks.” She hung up the phone. “Are you happy?”

“Hey, I don’t want to bet on hockey any more than you do, but this is for your own good.”