Reading · Matriarchy Report

Since reading Belle Burden’s divorce memoir “Strangers,” and talking about it obsessively here on MR and seemingly with every woman that I know—one question has come up again and again.

How do we make sure this doesn’t happen to us?

In case you missed it, Belle Burden’s bestselling memoir follows the sudden collapse of the author’s 20-year marriage when it’s revealed that her husband is having an affair, and he leaves the family home the next morning never to return.

Much of the tension of the book comes from the financial precarity that Burden find herself in because she had left her job to stay home with their children and support her husband’s career. And she has a botched, non-updated prenup that leaves her vulnerable. (All this despite the fact that she comes from glamorous old New York money and has family trusts).

As I wrote about here, Burden’s story resonates with women because aside from the Martha’s Vineyard locale and the dollar signs, a story about the financial fallout of marriage being dumped on the female partner is not extraordinary at all.

Many splits are rife with financial inequity. Research shows that divorce triggers a severe gendered financial imbalance: women experience a significant drop in household income (from 25% to up to 50% for older women) and standard of living, while men's finances tend to stabilize or get this—even improve. This is driven by the same inequities built into marriage itself—a gender pay gap and inequitable childcare responsibilities.

Burden’s memoir might be the best thing ever to happen to prenups and postnups, as women are now looking for ways to make sure they don’t get “Belle Burdened.” I love that the book has opened up this sometimes-taboo subject for women and has them talking about it, and I knew exactly who I wanted to talk to about this. Cindy DiTiberio writes the Substack The Mother Lode, and the first time I read about postnups as a real thing to financially protect women in marriage was from her.

So this week I talked to her about postnups and prenups and how to get one. It was such a fun and satisfying conversation with lots of great comments and questions! Just the freedom of talking about this openly with other women was a breath of fresh air. (If you attended, thank you—it was the best!)

Here are my top takeaways from our conversation, and you can watch or listen to the whole conversation below.

(See the notes at the bottom of this post for links to resources and articles mentioned in the video).

Women do not make “stupid” financial decisions in marriage that leave them vulnerable. Rather, they are conditioned and coerced into accepting unequal terms in marriage and in divorce settlements. In the event of a split, the state will not protect you. Part of deciding to get a prenup or postnup is acknowledging along with your partner that protecting both partners equally in a legally binding document is a priority, and a necessity in a culture and legal system that is set up for gendered inequity. Equity is love. Safety is love!
If you didn’t get a prenup, it’s not too late at all. A postnup is a real thing. Like a prenup, a postnup is a legally binding document that you mediate with your partner to create terms that both of you are comfortable with in the event that the relationships ends. It’s like a will that way, and similarly you’ll need to hire lawyers who can lead you through the process and complete it. It can cost upwards of $2,000, so it will be an investment in yourself and your relationship. You can return to your postnup and prenup and update it at any time as circumstances change, and you should.
If you leave the workforce to do family caregiving, you can protect yourself and honor that labor. You can build in terms in a prenup or postnup that will protect you financially if the marriage ends. Having this in place ahead of time not only creates equity and peace of mind in the relationship, it honors the real cost of care work and makes it a family value.
If you are the primary earner in the relationship as well as default parent or caregiver, a pre/postnup can help you, too. You can build in terms that protect you financially in that situation as well, so that you don’t end up paying alimony to a partner that didn’t contribute equally in the relationship. Many women find themselves in this situation, as marriage continues to benefit married men more than women, and women who work outside the home continue to pick up more work at home, too.
These conversations might get difficult. But again, equity is love, and safety is love! Working through these terms can give you peace of mind and let you sleep at night, and establish equity as a partnership value and family value. If you find that your partner is not amenable, that will be useful information for you to have in terms of assessing and continuing the relationship.

As Cindy says, it’s important to create these documents and agreements as an insurance policy. You want to do it while you both have good feelings toward each other to avoid an acrimonious and inequitable split. Which nobody wants! The state will not have your best interests in the event of a split, so look out for yourself and your family now to give everyone the best possible long-term outcomes.

Also, isn’t it romantic to know that both partners are in the marriage because they choose to be, not because they are trapped financially? Swoon!

Do you have experience with a prenup or postnup? Follow-up questions? Tell us about it in the comments!

How to get the postnup that Belle Burden should have had

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