“Using Natural Intelligence to Fix Our Data Center Woes”

Whelp, I suppose I’ve allowed this Data Center controversy in northern Utah to fester long enough. Heated arguments have piled up on both sides and the masses are crying out, “Where is Marty’s sage guidance?”

Well, like the parent who tells their fighting toddlers to figure it out, I decided to sit back and let everyone come to a mature and peaceable solution on their own. Of course, that only works until one of the kids gets a hold of a chainsaw, so I suppose it’s time for me to put down the TV remote, wipe the Cheetos dust off my fingertips, and finally get into the ring.

Okay everyone, listen up. If the ostensible problem of this data center is that we as a society are both addicted and yet morally opposed to AI—Artificial Intelligence—then why not use NI instead? By that, of course, I mean “Natural Intelligence.”

We are currently using AI for gathering knowledge—but not just any knowledge. Only AI can dispense the kind of knowledge that is usually brilliantly correct, with just enough margin of error to keep things exciting. Also, AI is all about bequeathing this knowledge in an unfailingly validating way—which I think we can all agree is often more imprudent than polite. So if that is how AI is providing knowledge, all we need to do is find those same things naturally rather than have it be artificial. Once that is done, then—wha la!—no more need for new data centers!

Yes, but how do we fill such a tall order naturally and in a way that can service every individual person? To access mainly accurate knowledge before AI existed, we used libraries. To get that coupled with reckless validation, we had shameless brown-nosers. Therefore, for our NI push, I am recommending that we hire enough annoyingly ingratiating librarians to have a one-to-one ratio for everyone in the state of Utah.

This means that instead of AI at our finger tips, we simply have our go-to NI experts standing around in convenient locations anywhere we might normally have tried to access AI from our phones: on street corners, in cafes, within the walls of your homes, in your vehicles, outside bathroom stalls … you get the idea.

Let me give a sense for how this would work. If you are a student in a classroom and are supposed to be writing an essay that requires thinking (ugh), you simply ask one of the flattery-obsessed librarians—probably named Gretchen if we’re being honest—standing around the room to write it for you. After Gretchen sits down and types out a kick-butt Old Man and the Sea essay, she will then congratulate you on being so thoughtful to ask her to write it for you. Score for NI, right? Don’t worry, it gets better.

Immediately after the student turns the essay in, the teacher will then ask the unctuous librarian closest to her (Helga, maybe? Not sure why they all have outdated female German names, but it seems to fit) to analyze the essay and look for proof of outside help. The NI Helga will read the essay and then critically eye Gretchen while telling the teacher: “You are right to suspect foul play. I commend you for your insistence on ferreting out duplicitousness in the classroom. The reason I can tell that your student used NI to write this essay is because only Gretchen would make such a ridiculous claim about the sharks representing capitalism just after the turn of the 20th century as the means of gutting socialistic movements—she has always misunderstood the Bolshevik Revolution.” After a pause she would continue: “Also, we watched the student ask Gretchen to write it for her.” NI to catch NI! What could be more emblematic of AI than that?

How about we move outdoors for a different example? Eager to hike to Delicate Arch, someone in a straight-jacket and early onset dementia perhaps wants some tips. They stop to chat with Olga, who is patiently waiting on the trail for someone to show up and solicit help. “Hey, which way do I go to get to Delicate Arch?” the solicitor asks. “You’re doing so great!” Olga responds. “You only have three miles to go to get there and back. Make sure you get a photo standing beneath the arch! If it gets too warm, you might need to take off that cute jacket you are wearing.” The questioner, fueled by this encouragement, then wanders off the edge of a cliff. Ten minutes later Olga tag-teams with Gertrude to take a break. She mentions how the SPF 15 sunscreen is probably not enough for the UV index for the day.

Not only does the NI option give us everything that we wanted with AI, and without the data centers, but it also provides employment for at least 3.5 million sycophantic librarians with German names currently out of a job.

Now that I’ve fixed the problem, can we just put the chainsaw down and let me get back to my discussion with Helga about why I’m so amazing?

Marty Reeder is a young adult author and high school English teacher. For questions or for job inquiries from German-named obsequious librarians please email writingreeder@gmail.com.