The U.S. World Cup Domination Needs to End

The camp I am working at in New Hampshire right now has staff members from all over the world: Mexico, Japan, Ireland, New Zealand, Zimbabwe, Australia, Provo Utah—I’ll let you decide which is the most exotic.

While it sure is cool to get such a wide range of different cultures, dialects, experiences, and perspectives, it has lately been leading to some awkward interactions—like when I had to face my Australian friend and talk to him about the U.S soccer team absolutely dominating the Australians—by two points. Which, I guess, can be a lot in soccer? Probably? No one really knows, because in America our only experience with soccer is in little league where we’re encouraged not to track the score lest feelings get hurt, and the most stress happens over who was assigned treats at the end of the game.

Sure that means conversations can get awkward, but then I always have awkward interactions when I can only carry on an intelligible discussion with Australians if the topic is Bluey. So, why am I saying that this recent dominance of the U.S. soccer team is a big enough problem that we need to address it? Well, I think we all know what happens when people don’t stay in their lanes. When Troy Bolton decided to showcase his singing chops on stage in High School Musical, he unleashed the wrath of Sharpay and her brother, causing a rift that would eventually extend upbeat choreography and melodramatic conflict through three sequels and a TV series.

In the same way, when I decide to proselytize to my students that cargo shorts are definitely making a fashion comeback, they will scoff at me relentlessly until I can distract them by repeating “6-7” over and over again.

Basically these examples show that no good can come to us from having a talented soccer team, especially when the U.S. has only had a professional soccer league in our country for thirty years. Thirty years! That means that if our soccer league were a person, they would not even be mandated to get a colonoscopy for another 15 years! In contrast, the English Football League (Soccer? I guess?) in the U.K. is old enough that they would have gotten so many colonoscopies that the gastroenterologist would know the league on a first name basis and they could chat about corner kicks and polyps as if they were sharing pictures of great-grandkids.

“Whelp, too late now, Marty!” you wring your hands in dismay. “We’ve have bad enough luck that we have a good team on our hands.” If the world had not already been resentful for our hand in driving up oil prices and sinking the global economy, they sure as heck are not going to put up with a public who thinks that offsides should be indicated with a yellow flag thrown onto the field followed by a five yard penalty and a repeat of the down.

Do not dismay, my patriotic citizens. There is still hope. As a resident of Utah, I feel I am particularly well-equipped to help us get past this mess we find ourselves in. You see, just because you have a decent team, does not mean you have to win. That’s right, I am suggesting that we apply the skills that bottom feeder NBA teams have been mastering for the last decade or so: tanking. Or, for the less delicate out there, losing on purpose.

How do we accomplish this? First, it helps to have a lot of vague injuries that sound invented by a screenwriter for a cheap doctor TV show: “lower back soreness,” “hip tightness,” “chronic indifference.” That way you can bench some of your best players.

Sometimes sitting the stars backfires and you might have the bench players fired up because they have a chance to prove themselves. In that case, some timely substitutions can do the job. Third string players work, but also team managers, the guy from the third row that maybe had a bit too much to drink, the local Dungeons and Dragons pros—all are excellent options for quelling the enthusiasm of a team determined to win.

If all else fails, you can do things like accidentally send your team to the wrong stadium or hypnotize the players into believing that their own goal is their target. The method does not matter so much as the outcome: complete and utter decadence of the U.S. soccer program.

With that in mind, I think we can all agree when I say: “Go Team U.S.A.! Go all the way to Inglewood to play your match against Turkey (Inglewood, New Zealand, that is—definitely not the California Inglewood)!”

Marty Reeder is a young adult author and high school English teacher. For more ideas on how you can support U.S. soccer’s culture of losing (something he considers himself an expert at), please send queries to writingreeder@gmail.com.